There is so much to say because so much has happened. I'm pretty sure I'm not writing anything here to have it read but merely to have it written. I rarely write here and I figure this is as good of a place as any.
I've been lost and confused about a lot of things lately but I also know that a lot of my problems happened to be things I saw coming a mile away and could have walked away from... Hell I should have ran from them screaming... but I didn't because I was being reckless and had this awful thought in my head that I just didn't care anymore. I didn't care what was going on or what I was getting myself into.
In consequence I hate myself more than before and I'm too full of an overflowing emotion to be alright. I've tried to push it away and be alright for so long. Yet I'm not sure anymore if the pushing away was what really should have happened. I'm just flailing around reaching for help now because I feel like I'm drowning in what I had previously repressed. I keep doing this going back and forth and I can't stop where I'm going or what I'm doing or what I'm thinking. I don't know how to really help myself but at the same time I already know it's impossible to expect any help from another to help me, no matter how much they might love me they feel helpless and lost as well. I can't find strenght anymore and it hurts more than I think it should.
I think I'm hurting more that I should in general. I don't understand half of my hurt. maybe it's just too much of a comfortable place to feel sorry for myself and to let the sadness wash over me. Yet it's all stress and it takes up too much energy. If I could just... push it back again I think I could keep going to where I was headed to but I'm just not.
I have hurt so many people along the way. In all my selfish pity for myself I have pushed aside people that I know have cared for me and would have done a lot for me. I just... I'm afraid of relationships and love and closeness. There are so many reasons for this including previous broken trust, fear of physical touch, fear of dissapointment, and so many more things.
Once your heart it open it's too open and it's ready to be torn into a million pieces so it is easier to keep it far away and shielded... But even as I find myself learning how to love and care there is that looming hurt that's already seeming to pour out. I'm not sure anymore. I'm really not sure of much anything at all...
I know I'll be able to pull myself together again but I'm just not sure when and how soon. i just hope that I'll be able to do it soon enough and the such. I'm sure that I'll be able to find some sort of trust within myself that will let me help myself and not have to rely so heavily on the help of others. I think I'll leave it at that. I'm not sure what else I would really be able to say without going into detail which I will not do in the cosequence that I know I would just go into a new rant which I don't think i have the heart for...
KitsusAngel Community Member 
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