I ended up deleting that last entry.. This Life and These Lies.... but right now I don't have much guilt anymore for writing it. I was confused is all, he should be able to understand that if he'd actually of gotten to read it, and now that I think about it I've had plenty of experiences now that would lead me to saying those exact words I spoke.
Talking with him like that.. even if he did open my mind and make me not so blinded, the criticism did make me feel ashamed of myself... a whole other event added to my own self-loathing. I really did think about going lesbian at times, really I did, but nobody understands just how much I've become attached to Shuichi. He confuses me, oh damnit does he, and there's a side of him that makes me feel uncomfortable sure, but I haven't rejected him, have I?
Enough about that..
Well the excuse I, or we came up with to get the arguements past us was for me to come over today and watch that Dir en Grey tour dvd called Code of Vulgar. I had already known from him that it was three hours or so, but I was still excited about seeing it... I've gotten into Dir en Grey a lot because of him, and I like them for the obvious reason.
Hmm, my day is how it has been for a while, but today changed for the worse instead. I was already nervous enough thinking he would be mad at me and whatnot, that I had forgotten the previous night to close my window. All the windows have been opened in our house, and since my fan was on it was freezing. I woke up probably from the chattering, having some whacked up dream with Stewie from Family Guy in it (I haven't watched that show in forever O.o) but anyway I guess pulling a stunt like that has got me sick. I've got a small cough now, and it's starting to become that time of year where I always... always... get many sore throats and maybe even strep. I hope not, but this cough sure as hell is annoying.
I wasn't hungry or very tired today because I had some coffee this morning, one cup no less, but I was still panicking since I had overslept. I got to the school fine with Amanda, had fun listening to my sister whine that she was cold in her flip-flops, and even got to talk with Mary. Mary is more of Brianna's friend so I hardly talk to her, it felt nice catching up, but I didn't mention Brianna at all.
Over the weekend I had already had enough homework but just to save some room in my bag I did my vocabulary for earth science so I didn't have to bring my book today. That left me more then thirty minutes on my own after the test, and I was tempted to study Japanese but had instead borrowed a manga from someone who sat near me. It's the second of a series called Desert Coral... I own the first one, it's pretty funny..
I'm actually glad I decided not to study because our speaking quiz that I was so stressed over has now been moved to Wednesday.... I was really relieved, but at the same time I still have to make room for studying when I have essays to worry about. Gah.
World History was fine, don't feel much like bragging about P.E. either, but then again I've become really good at badmitten.... I don't know how but I can just keep swtiching the bracket in both hands, run back and forth, and I usually always hit it. I'll be damned, I'm good at something in that class!!
Blah..
Well I met up with Shuichi afterwards and after nodding at Amanda I left with him to his bus. I have to agree with him though, their new bus driver doesn't do anything when all those kids are yelling and cussing one word after another back there... and he just sits there. Annoying.
*shrugs*
I sat and watched the dvd at long last when we got there, and was relieved when Shuichi's mood changed back to normal... he was pretty pissed off for a while because of that busdriver. Heh heh... well we sat and watched it, but after the first song or so, as entertaining as it is to watch Kyo, he started messing around. He always does that, but now that he knows where my weak spot is I'm at a disadvantage damnit! Grr, well during the time the movie was nearly over he ended up switching from sitting with me and playing Guild Wars on the computer, I didn't say anything and just sat there watching. Kyo and the rest sure know how to put up a performance, so it wasn't like I was completely bored, but around 5:30 when he was still on the computer and the movie had gone off I had almost decided to walk home.
Then my mom called.
She claimed she didn't want me walking home thinking I'd get jumped, and she was going on about leaving the door unlocked since she and Craig were leaving to the gym and Amanda was working. Stupid, but I had forgotten my key. Well... turns out I had to wait for his mom to get home, and after we had watched, I guess, the extra credits from the movie or something we decided to go play a videogame again. He whooped my a** last time and I let him brag about it, but I didn't feel like putting up with it, so he had to convince me to play first. I made it clear I wasn't playing Mario and then once we found the second PS2 controller we played some DBZ fighting game that I'd played with a friend a while ago. I wasn't so bad, I put up a good fight the first half we played, I beat him the first round too, but I guess it was his ego I hurt and he started looking at all the combos and moves. I had forgotten what button did which and had gotten lucky by messing with buttons that entire time, so I don't even need to say the rest. He whooped my a**. Again.
......
I'm hesitating whether I should type this or not, but something else usually always happens when I'm there. Whenever we are wrestling and whatnot he usually, at one point, comes face-to-face to me. I always thought he was more shy then me, but I'm just a coward by hiding my face every time he does that. Every ******** time. God... all my emotions go out of control when that happens, I don't even know if words are enough to explain it. I practically hold my breath, my eyes somewhat widen, and of course the obvious is that I blush like crazy. I'm nervous, embarrassed, and yet.... frustrated at the same time when that happens... I just don't do anything but sit there looking him in the eye or peeking when hiding my face. I'd give anything to have the confidence to do something, but then again that might be taking things too fast. It's just becoming harder for me, and even if this journal is unviewable for now.. if he does read this then I won't be able to look him in the eye for a while... >_<
....
His mom took me home when she got home, I hugged him and it made me feel better then I have in nearly a week now, but once I got home everything changed. I had to at least read half of the chapters assigned to me in English, and after a shower and dinner I sat down and read and read.... but that book is only so entertaining. The page soon became blurred and I decided I'd read enough, figured I'd get on and make an entry before turning in though.
I set my alarm clock this time. I'm thinking now.
Gah... night.
.p a n i c. · Tue Oct 18, 2005 @ 03:46am · 1 Comments |