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As so often in the past I've fancied myself an intellectual, so prepare yourself for a pile of random, introspective blather. Or better yet, quit while you're ahead.
Retrospectively, I think this was a good year for me. I got out of a situation that was making me miserable, got out on my own and actually got to live a little, for the first time in almost two years or maybe even more than that. I don't think that I had much in the way of growth - not just yet - because of the immense amount of catching up I've had to do. However, cynical realist that I do tend to be, and despite inevitable downfalls and fleeting trysts with heartbreak, I find myself feeling somewhat optimistic.
Every misstep, every pitfall that ensnares me is merely another learning experience. They have to hurt, from time to time and I'll recover, hopefully somewhat more the wiser and a little more watchful in the future. I can't help but be a little discouraged over the fact that I seem to trip over the same old branch that lies across my path, but now that I've realized that I'm doing it, now that I've made a very strong affirmation of my weaknesses, I'm set off to do something about them.
Growth is a key element in not only success, but survival. If we cannot grow we will stagnate. With enough stagnation regression unavoidably occurs to the point of devolution; devolution of the mind, of the psyche is the greatest defilement, the greatest personal evil.
In age old literature, teachings that predate Christ himself, we are taught that for true and genuine enlightenment one must befall great tragedy. In order to fully reach the pinnacle of catharsis you must first fail.
Failure, or perhaps vulnerability to failure is possibly one of the most endearing of all human traits. To admit that you are weak, and sometimes entirely powerless is humbling at its best. To continue onward in the face of such opposition, such an overwhelmingly powerful adversary is the mark of a true hero. Heroism on the very small-scale, of course, for who can save the world when you cannot even save yourself?
Catharsis in any of it's forms is a wondrous occurrence arising from remarkable setback. Catharsis itself however cannot be perused directly, if historic literature teaches us much at all, one of its great morals is that only when we give up, only when we reach the lowest low can we ever see our way through it. Only then can we emerge reborn, stronger, more capable and truly beautiful like a moth emerging from a cocoon.
This is not a resolution, though my timing is quirky in it's coincidental accuracy. I want to be done catching up. I want to grow. If I do not find catharsis by way of not crossing paths with tragedy, good! But I am not afraid of hitting rock bottom. Every new experience, terrifying as it may be will only strengthen me.
I want to live. I'm not going to allow myself the cop-out of being held back by renegade emotions or fear of being somewhat damaged - we all are, and we're usually the better for it.
I'm going to live.
Whatever life throws at me, I will bend to my will. I will make it mine.
I'm going to live.
Petra Paisley · Fri Dec 26, 2008 @ 06:17pm · 0 Comments |
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