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I wonder...
Sometimes I wonder what people would feel if I died. Would they actually feel sad or relief? How fast would they get over my death, and act like I was never here? And then of course there's the question if people will notice that I'm gone? I so wanna test this and see what answers I get, but if I wanted true/real answers I would have to actually die, and right now I don't want to die, but who knows how I'l feel tomorrow.
I also have a final question though, did the people in my life actually know me? The question to that is easy, HELL NO! Nobody actually knows how I feel, not even my "close" friends, and especially not my fam. The only two people who I would feel comfortable expalining what goes through my mind, and would actually listen are not here anymore, so I have no one to tell. Everyone around me doesn't want to get to know me, and tunes me out all the time. I do talk a lot, but it to tell the people i "love" more about what interests me so that they can truely know me. All they hear is "blah blah" so of course I won't tell these people my true feelings. I mean if I actually tried to talk to these people they wouldn't listen or they won't understand, so what's the point.
I also think that by how I act, I'm either trying to push people away or see if they are truely my friends. I've been forgotten or ignored by people that I used to hang out with, so I try not to get close to people. Also by being annoying and woresome I'm kinda testing people to see if they will stick by me, or if they will just leave me like everyone else.
I hope this didn't offend any of my friends, but it's how I feel. I feel very alone and like I have nothing worth living for now. My motivation for living is my religion (suicide=hell) and my future. I'm very curious about it and I want to know how I will be. Oh and don't forget about music. I think it's the only thing that keeps me from going completely insane and from being violent.
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