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I always imagine the worst will come... I'm imagining it now. I really don't want to be wrong, again. And mom's right, I'm worrying myself sick. My constant thinking about this has been constantly making me want to cry, but I've always been in public, and nobody needs to pity me. It's really been making me retreat into my own mind--not always the best place to be, especially with the beauty of the world dancing in front of my eyes. But, I brought this upon myself. I began to give in... I was losing the fight for my beliefs so that someone else could be happy. Heh, but isn't that just like me. Never really caring for myself: putting others first. Who knew that those qualities could make me so vulnerable?

And though this person may not know it, she has been taking advantage of that weakness, and pressuring me beyond my limit. This can be fixed with a little understanding... but it doesn't take five days to think about this. Unless the thoughts are of something else and I'm just wrong all together. It all depends on her now, anyway, because I'm willing to go on with her.

But if I truly am wrong, and she is a different person than I thought from the beginning, than I'll just have to accept the fact that I can't be with her. It'll hurt me so much, but it'll be for the best. And eventually, I'll be over her. It really saddens me to think about it now, because I just don't want it to be true. I want my fantasy to thrive, and become reality.

Maybe I'll never have my fanatasy. I don't deserve it, anyhow. I'd like to say that I didn't do anything wrong in this situation, but that'd be a lie. I fooled myself to believe that I could have it all. My stupidity, not ignorance, just brought us deeper into this problem: not out of it, like I hoped.

This waiting for her response is eating me alive. The thoughts of losing her is, too.

Maybe this is why I was always so happy before. I used to hide myself in video games, books, tv, etc. I didn't do anything social. Now look where that's gotten me. Social life is just leading me to pain. It has it's good moments, yes, but it's bad moments hurt. Alot. But I can't retreat, now. It's nearly impossible. I'd miss everyone. And I wouldn't be myself anymore. I first became social after starting high school, and it changed my life. I was no longer the girl that everyone made fun of. I was accepted for who I am. Loved. I wasn't judged. Becoming social was the best thing that ever happened to me. But, boy, does it have it's consequences.

I just feel like leaving this world sometimes. I know it's over-dramatic, but I guess it makes me feel better to think about it because I then am forced to think of all the people I'd miss, and all the people who'd miss me. I make myself feel important in that way.

But, what I feel now is that, no one truly cares about my problems. Everyone has their own. And, yes, I might just be searching for some pity points with that statement, but who knows.

Someone out there is fighting a harder battle than me, but this is the hardest one I've had to face. Or so I think.