It's still tearing away at me. No matter what I do, the feeling of despair won't go away, not completely anyway.
I've come to realize that I'm feeling the way I am, because it's what I want to feel. I want so badly to go back to where we were, that all I've thought about is that. As if stopping thoughts like that from grabbing my attention will deminish any remaining likelyhood that we'd move back.
But I know we won't, and that's what hurts the most.
I'm afraid to give up that hope, to accept that where we are is where we're going to stay. And no matter how much I wish, and hope, and dream that we'll go back... it won't happen.
But that goes against what I believe in. I believe that hope, wishes, and dreams have some influence on our existance... maybe it's jsut wishful thinking, but It's what I want to believe.
I'm afraid that if I stop hoping, and wishing, and believing that we'll move back, that we won't... and it'll be partially my fault for giving up hope. I know that sounds silly... but it's what's stopping me from moving on with my life.
I can't move on and accept that we're where we're supposed to be, while still wondering if my current way of thinking will somehow influence whether we move back or not.
I'm not sure what to do. The battle is getting too hard to fight, I can't not start the journey to accepting where we are... it's just human nature.
But giving up hope is so painful... something I'm not sure if I want to do... but something tells me I'll have to eventually, at least for this situation.
[-Mystic Wonders-] · Sun Jul 19, 2009 @ 07:23am · 0 Comments |