|
Heya stranger, haven't talked in a while... |
|
|
|
|
|
|
This is my journal. I will share with you my rantings, opinions and expiriences. Hopefully someone will find this crap interesting so I'm not wasting my time...
In the beginning... (Or at least where my life gets interesting ~.~)
Ok, I'm going to take you back into the past where our destination will be the 1st grade... You have to have something big to remember it from 1st grade... I was an outcast at an early age. You know, the kid everyone knows but wouldn't even think about inviting to come join in some pathetic game. I had only one friend, I have no Idea what his name is, I forget it... But he was a foreigner. He left in the middle of the year, so I played by myself.
Later that year I was taken advantage by a classmate. He used my despirateness as a means of gaining what he wanted. Although I agreed to everything, I KNEW I was making a mistake when he arranged for us to meet in the bathrooms where I would pleasure him for a minute or so... I didn't realize the affect of how big a deal it actually was untill I was old enough to establish my rights and my wrongs. This had an affect on something else later on too...
Ok let's speed things on up a bit... To the 4th grade. This was the best year and the year that my life went "90 degree angle downhill". This year I met my best friend in the world and my partner in crime. He is still my best friend to this day, nothing has ever got inbetween our friendship... Yet. I know good things don't last forever. This is the year my grades plumetted to flat F's. My teacher was no help either...
5th and 6th grade I was social alone, all except for Jonny my best friend. This is also when I was starting to feel the affects of having no father or father figure since we found out he was a scum bag and my mom and him divorced. No crushes, no girlfriends, no flirting what so ever. I was being given the cold shoulder by love and was left with lonelliness. It didn't make it any better going into middle school. This time instead of being ignored, I was harrassed to breaking point.
By the time I reached 8th grade, I was spiraling into an abyss of depression. Near the end of that year, I attempted suicide and was commited to Over Lake Psychological Unit. (Nut house)
Being there exposed me to a perspective on much worse cases then me and it made me feel not so alone in the hell they call life. Didn't make things better though, just made me feel like I was on an opposing side in a war, building up hate of the enemy inside me. I was still depressed and now angry. I started to notice lost feelings and newer more (what seems like filling) feelings.
In the 9th grade, I flunked and had a horrible summer, or whatever time period it was, when I finally got in a relationship WORTHY of being called a relationship. It ended up a sham when I found that she was just young and expirementing, and that I was just going to be her little 3 week - 2 month expirement. That was when I realised the things I was looking for in a relationship weren't being given to me by any female, the only thing I have ever known was what I already had in myself. With the deprevation of my experiences with the opposite sex, I discovered my facination and sexual attraction to the same sex. I wouldn't fully except this untill the beginning of 10th grade (present) where I told no one, but still expected to find someone with the same feelings and experiences as I. I want so much to know what it felt like to be intimate with a boy now that I knew how unfulfilling it was with a girl. I found out I was bi. I would probably be gay if it weren't for the fact that I was still sexually attracted to the female anatomy.
So here I am today, and trying to make the most out of the time I have to dream about wanting to hold another guy, passing all my classes, and stop to letting my social phobia's get in the way of my life...
Now that I have finished it, I realize how hopeless I'm acting. Such a whiney b***h, and I want to be knocked senseless for it. I'm such a selfish person, and the only excuse I can give for it is a pathetic "disorder" or "trama" I have. If only the nice people I met on Gaia were reachable, for some reason, I believe some of that would help...
 (((Tastes-Like-Chicken))) · Mon Dec 26, 2005 @ 12:59am · 4 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
