Sorry. I don't really mean that. I just thought that a little profanity would start my journal off right. I'm so confused about everything right now. Everything in part of my life is pretty much going as planned but everything and I do mean everything in the other half is completely ******** up. I like being home and getting a chance to relax even when I have to work. I'm in a fairly safe position. Mentally I feel more confident and alert than I have in years. But at the same time my emotions are becoming horribly twisted and it's all mounting up and is just becoming frustration. My thoughts, however prolific and valuable they are, all end up just being a big jumbled mess and I can't do anything about it. Normally I would just meditate to clear my thoughts and start again with a fresh slate but meditation is no longer working. I can't sleep at night and during the day I can't live. My mind is slowly dying inside my body. I mean that I'm physically healthy. Hell I'm more physically fit than I've been in several years. But a body is no good without a mind and spirit that are equally healthy. Decisions that I will have to make concerning my life are coming and passing and I do nothing. All I do is sit idle and let the events which will determine my destiny unfold infront of me. I want so very much to act but I can't. I can not force my self to do the things I need to to ensure my own personal success. Maybe because in the time I've been home from school I've lost my passion for life. I've over-endulged in that which I longed for but could never have. So when I again have to put my life on hold at that damn school I have no idea how it will feel. I know I don't wanna go back. But I'm seriously not sure if I will mentally be able to handle it. Just thinking about makes me cry. And I do not cry. I honestly don't remember the last time I cried. But knowing that everything that had become so good in such a short time will be ripped away from me is honestly the worst feeling I have ever felt. So what the ******** am I gonna do about this. Most likely nothing. Because there is nothing I can do. Either go back to school just to suffer for 5 more months and gain nothing from it or try to stay home and salvage what's left of my life and educational career. I'm not saying I wanna quit school only that if school there is the only option then I would honestly much rather be dead. I say that with all the sincerity I can. I would rather die than go to the citadel. Maybe I'll get lucky and break my leg or something and not be able to go back. Those aren't all my problems though. One of my biggest problems there is the inability to get in contact with those that I care about. That and the fact that the world changes when you're in those walls. It's like a ******** prison. I hate it there. I'm done for today, but I'm not done with this journal.
Kanaye Kujo · Mon Jan 02, 2006 @ 08:28pm · 1 Comments |