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Just wrote this as an e-mail to a friend that i could never send but what the hell, i'll post it here. I couldn't be bothered to stick it in my livejournal, plus i never use it. I never expect anyone to read this cus half of it won't make sense. Anyway if you do, you prbably deserve some sort of prize.

I thought about writing you a big e-mail about stuff but i could never send it. The big Eiddwen mouth and what i like to call the Eidd/Rosie network would end up in full effect. Anyway, as far as i know Rowena's fine and stuff. It's all simple yet complicated and weird and stuff. I could tell you and really you're the only person i could tell about certain stuff but it would be repeated and things would be veeeeeery difficult for me. I've already said too much so i shall stop. I wouldn't be saying anything but i've been drinking and it tends to make me a depressive drunk. Actually i will tell you everything because i've just decided this will actually be the e-mail i never send you but i have to write this stuff somewhere before me head explodes. You see the thing is Row, i am crazy about her, like you said i would be. She can do no wrong, although she breaks what i know as the rights and wrongs of bits of relationships all the time. She says she misses me but if she has any time then she sees other people. She spent the weekend with her ex recently. I said it was fine because if she only got to see me she'd resent me for it but now i think of it, ******** it, i deserve to see her, i'm her boyfriend and it means nothing. She won't tell her parents i'm seeing her because it embaresses her. She's ashamed to have a boyfriend with no job. She's ashamed of me. She has lots of work to do, which i know and she should have that as a priority because it's important, but she'll fit other things in rather than me. Like tonight, she's down the pub with Hilly. I know he's her best mate and stuff but she took half a day off uni to do some work before going down the pub with him and told me that she wants to go to bed early so that she can be up for this thing tomorrow. So i come home early to make sure she can talk to me and she calls saying she 'could be out till three'. I know that means that she probably won't even see me on sunday because of the work she isn't doing. She'd never do that for me and it's tonight i realise that. I'd drop everyting for her in a heartbeat but for all her "I miss you" and "I want you" would she do the same for me? I seriously doubt it. I told her a while ago if she didn't want a relationship i didn't want to become Mr Monday Night ********. That's what i've become. I'm a convenience to her. Something to do if she has some spare time, nothing more. So now the questions become is being used worth more than being nothing? I really don't know the answer. All i know for sure is that i'm nothing to her other than something to do when she's not busy. A mere amusement nothing more. So this is the e-mail i could never send you. My real thought's as of November 24th, 2004. I'm sure by Christmas i'll be single and She'll have another toy to play with. I wish these thoughts were due to alchohol but they're not, i think this daily. I dream of her not wanting me. I'm nothing, like i was before. I thpought i could deal with this when the time come but i was wrong. What can i say, you warned me and once again i thought something was better than nothing, but it's not. It drains you. I find myself waiting for that glimmer of hope, and eventually it comes, before the realisation i've been passed up for someone else, anyone else. I'll continue though, smiling till the end. She should never know how i really feel inside. She doesn't deserve it. Maybe i'm blind, i don't know. So this is the e-mail, the letter, i can never send you. My thought's would become public knoledge and soon Row would know and break up with me for sure, thinking it would make me happer and that she could only hurt me, when right now, all i need is her. Time to write the e-mail you'll get. Who knows, maybe some day you'll see this. Well till then, this is me, scared shitless and waiting for the sword of damocles to fall.


Well there we go, think i should've put [/EMO] after it, ah well. Guess i'll wait for my darling girlfriend to call, if it's not too much bother for her.