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It seems I only post in this journal after suffering quite a bit emotionally.. always soul shattering pain.. I have reviewed the majority of my old posts.. they are so deppressing.. always talking about death.. ___Anthony____ I never really understood death until Anthony passed away two weeks ago.. the funeral was last weekend.. I walked into the funereal home..it was quite save the chitter chatter of his family in the recess hall. My mother and I reached the room...his room. It was a long isle way, with many chairs on either side. It was dark.. I looked yonder and there he lay. Immediatly I began to cry.. We edged closer, and the closer we grew, the more unlike himself Tony looked. They'd dyed his hair black ( It was grey) they stuffed his suit( he was a small man, and unhealthy). His face looked of clay. His skin hard..No essence of life.. I had begin hoping it wasn't him.. that we could leave and go see him in the nursing home.. but the sign in book confirmed it all. Then, as my mind tends to do.. it wandered to the worse scenarios possible.. My mother being the one in the coffin.. shrunken and still because of the drugs.. Then my dad.. always the one with comforting words and whom I am most like. I cried more. always imaging someone new laying there.. and how many people I will lose..and how painful it will be. Then my grandfather.. he has no teeth.. and he already sleeps as the dead. I always find myself checking on him.. making sure he is breathing.. I love them.. I love my family so much..
So now with those thoughts, I have realized, I have matured, if only a bit.. I no longer think of dying..and yet embracing life. I'd never want to put people who love me through the pain of seeing me lying in the coffin, looking so unlike myself.. So many people have been dying..
________ COLLEGE__________ I am preparing for college.. I will no longer be attending UIC, because of the costs and because of the fact, that I want to leave here..and get away.. I thought of Loyola, but it is a catholic school, and still too close. I will be traveling to Indiana for college..nearly 5 hours away, to Indiana University Bloomington.. I have completed research and their nueroscience program.. is one of prestige.. which I want to be apart of.. I will always be a city boy, however.
I will be attending the Pride Parade on Halsted today.. and then its off to a pool party. ____ Her.._____ ..It's tough moving on.. I didn't want to mention Rose in this journal.. .. but she will always be apart of my life.. so its hard not to.. As I confided in Brittany..I honestly pictured a family with her.. I still do somewhat... still am hopefull that she will love me again.. But all I feel from her is..hatred.. which I never thought possible. She has taken a chunck of my heart, that I will never get back.. She has..obliterated quite a bit of my optimisim.. .. so things look so dark now..I dont think I'll ever get married.. and the idea is so saddening.. ..I wouldn't be surprised if she moved on the very second.. this very second..if she met someone.. ..she reminds me so much of Robin.. this is all just a horrible repeat of Robin.. .. I really do think she hates me.. it feels odd, ive never been hated before. ..I mean, if you dont hate someone, why would you say all those things? its nothing but hate.. if she ever read this.. it would probablly frustrate her, as she revealed, everything I do frustrates her.. My breathing, the fact that I am alive, I would not be surprised, if THAT, frustrated her.. that probablly broke my heart worse of all..
Ive always wanted to connect with someone.. to be deeply in love.. and they the same with me..an equal relationship.. I realize I messed up alot in the past..I was also finding myself in the past, not even sure about things.. but she added something to my life.. a structure.. and now that she's gone.. I am lost..again. back to square one it seems.
..its so much I want to say to her..so much..I just wish she understood me.. and would try to understand. she is the only one, that I have ever met, that thinks so horribly of me.. I'd expect it from enemies.. (not even my enemies feel that way..).. not from the one I love..not from the one I think about when I awake, and when I sleep.. not the one I pictured spending the rest of my life with..it feels like betrayal..but thats probablly the wrong word..
..I am dwelling on it again..and the pain is comming back.. I've saved quite a bit of our arguments..I re-read them..to see what i can do..what should I change to make her love me..
we are suppose to trying to start over..2 weeks..of no speaking....perhaps it should have been a month..a year even.. I dont know if it will work..I dont know anything anymore..so unsure.. ..my better mind says it won't.. our relationship is so weak now.. how the hell will it survive college? ..again, she pretty much took all hope I had.. and..burnt it in a very hot fire...
I'm not saying she's the only one..I KNOW i've made so many mistakes..I dont try to pretend I haven't.. and that she is so wonderful for putting up with me..
..if it works, it works and I'd be so happy again.. if not..then I'll probablly be alone the rest of my life..and adopt the children I want.. I wasn't hoping to die a virgin..
Brittany suggested a relationship in real life...we'll see..
How it Began... ..memories
Sventon · Sun Jun 27, 2010 @ 06:06pm · 0 Comments |
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