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Talking to fish is not a superpower! |
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Emo, or Emotional Punk, music is okay. Emo people are okay. Music that sounds Emo, but is actually just whiny crap sucks (take that Bowling For Soup!). People who just dress Emo but are not actually Emo (henceforth referred to a Posers) suck. I guarantee most of you just make interpretations of Emo kids based on people you have met. Have you ever met a real emo? Have you ever heard bands like Deathcab for Cutie, or Brighteyes? Doubtful. The people you have met and drawn these conclusions from are either posers or fall under one of several categories.
BoondockSaint16's Field Guide To Properly Identifying Emos --Step One: Identifying the Non-Emo 1. Hardcore kids- similar attire, but different music, which is often referred to as Screamo, or occasionally "I am angry at everything!" music. This agressive, loud, and often chaotic music is easily discernable from the slow, moist music of the Emo. The Hardcore him/herself will often be more outspoken than the moody Emo. Examples- Refused, Raised Fist, Every Time I Die.
2. Indie kids- Not really a social caste in itself, but more of a conglomeration of different castes, often ones contained in this list. They usually drift from one to another, or remain somewhere in limbo, unable to decide what to be. There are those, however who have begun to create their own specialized sect for Indie (or Independant). They can be identified by their clothing, often wearing wool sweaters with clashing, cheesy patterns on them, many with chrismas themed designs. They can also be seen wearing those odd snowcaps that come down to two smalltassle/ties at the sides. Many of their wardrobes look like those of an insane, colorblind clown, or look as if a mutant quilt had puked on them, due to the odd plethora of colors contained on each member. The music is similar to many different styles, but often have unique vocals, a strange instument (accordion, violin, cello), and/or a largely accoustic sound that has not been cleaned. Examples: Modest Mouse, Darkstar Orchestra, Of Montreal, Cursive, and I Don't, So Now I Do.
3. Goths- This is kind of like Emo, but angry at the same time. I really can't see how one can make the mistake of thinking a goth is an emo, but if you could descern that, you wouldn't be reading this now would you? Their wardrobe consists mainly of black and dark colored, baggy clothing, often consisting of silver studs and chains. The music itself is very dark, many vocals in the form of "this is my scary monster voice." Examples: Slipknot, Bolt Thrower, P.O.D., and Disturbed.
4. Punk- Once again, this class is similar to the Emo style, but different enough that mistaking the two is quite hard. This musical style is more upbeat, while just as rebellious as the other castes, often more so. This group is often seen as having vividly dyed hair, and strange styles, such as the mohawk. They wear many different things. The original punk came from Great Britain, and often wore plaid kilts and leather jakets whil sporting the traditional mowhawk. Nowadays this style can range from t-shirts and jeans to track jackets and arm sweatbands, to suits and ties. Example- NOFX, Sum 41, and Refused. 4a. Ska- Almost identical to punk, but involves the use of brass instuments like the trumpet and trombone in their music. Example- Reel Big Fish, Less Than Jake, The Mighty Mighty Bosstones.
5. Jordan Stout- Short, creepy and repulsive, this fiend enjoys the pain of others, and has been known to sneak into his neighbor's houses during the night and drown their cats. He can be identified as having red hair, trapper keeper that he has been using for several years now, pale skin, large, bulbous, red eyes that are unadjusted to sunlight, large, pointed, yellow teeth, a long snakelike tounge capable of lifting an infant from a stroller and placing it in his mouth (I've seen him do it too!), and an overall spite for all mankind. He is seen associtating with convicted felons, sex offenders, and Walmart Greeters. If you encounter this fearsome beast, first dont be stupid enough to think it's an Emo kid. Second, quckly look for the nearest exit and WALK, not run because he can sense fear, to it. If any such exit is unavailiable, move to the nearest defendable area, such as a wall or corner to put your back to, and assume the fetal positon. At that point begin praying to whatever Diety you desire (God, Allah, Shiva, Buddah, Thor, SpongeBob, etc).
6. Oppossum- If you really need to read this, you are an idiot.
--Step Two: Identifying the enemies of the Emo 1. Jocks- The garden variety jock is the enemy of all that is good in this world, and as such, Emos avoid them like Jordan avoids the police.
2. The California Raisinmen- Those purple little freaks hate Emos.
3. Abercrombi & Fitch- an ally of the jock, this organization discriminates against, nerds, geeks, emos, and overall any non-caucasian person. Terminate with extreme prejudice. Laugh about it afterwards.
4.Their Parents- The Emo is convinced that their parents are out to get them, and therefore avoid them like they avoid Jocks, which is like how Jordan avoids the police as previosly stated.
--Step three: Preparing the Emo For Consumption
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--And there you have it, the Idiot's guide to Emos. properly completed in under an hour by your friend and mine, the Boondock Saint.
PS- There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who can read binary, and those who have friends.
BoondockSaint16 · Tue Feb 28, 2006 @ 10:14pm · 2 Comments |
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