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I feel like writing about you, about the both of you. I feel like writing all of it...Yes, even the parts that still make us both cringe. Here's all of it...All of us. We met through him, I think he met you here on Gaia and he introduced us. At first I admit I didn't know at all what he saw in you because I hadn't spoken to you at all and only got little bits from him...And when he's excited about something he's horrible at explaining himself.
But you made him happy, I knew that much. And as close as we were back then (he and I that is) I felt protective over him. I threatened you, I know I did. But I did that with everyone Joshua took a shining to. I told you to never hurt him... If I could go back I would have said the same to him because I know how badly he hurt you in the end. Things fell apart for the two of you and I remember one night holding him as he cried over losing you...Little did I know then that he never deserved to call you his. But then again...I never deserved to call him my best friend. I made advances towards you every now and again even though I knew you two were engaged...And I didn't even feel bad about it. I just knew I should feel guilty for it but I never actually did.
Then we finally got together and things were okay for a time. I was so happy to finally call you mine, even if my friendship with Joshua fell apart. Things were good except for my missing you like crazy. I'll never understand it...How I could have missed you so terribly without ever having touched you... But every ******** piece of me longed for you...Every single day. Things were good and I was falling so hard for you so fast...I saw a future with you and wanted it so bad badly. I wanted you for the rest of my life...I never wanted that with anyone other than Anna. Then... Then s**t went south. Went so far south. You wanted things I couldn't give you. You wanted things I couldn't understand. You wanted to be with other people and all I saw it as was a roundabout way of getting rid of me because though I knew you loved me what would be the point in keeping me around if you were getting everything I couldn't give you from someone else? I didn't understand but I tried. I gave you everything I could, even parts I never wanted to give up.
I remember one afternoon...I was breaking under the thoughts of you being with others, of us just not being able to make it work and I texted you... I broke up with you. You friends got a hold of your phone...s**t got so bad my mom walked into my room and threatened to take my phone away from me, that I was becoming hysterical, and I was...
I remember the day I left you for good. I was at the mall with my mom and I'd had enough. I was tired of you not choosing (by this time you had started seeing Derrike) and I broke up with you. I walked away and it didn't hurt...At least not at that moment because I knew I was doing what was best. I came back though, I couldn't stay away. I could feel you at night still and it killed me...though sometimes it would thrill me...When I knew he was there but my hands were still roaming your body. I felt like I was stealing you back for a little while.
And things got worse, so much worse. You taunted me with suicide and a whole slue of other things. It hurt but...the suicide thing didn't. I knew you were still alive and now, now I honestly believe I would know it if something really did happen to you. A part of me would be gone.
I hated him you know, I hated Derrike...Not him exactly but hat he represented to me. The loss he represented for me. I hated that. Hated him as a consequence. I never wanted to get to know him...But...And here's the good part I bet you've been hoping to find... I'm so glad I never shut you out completely. I'm so glad that Anna broke me. I'm so glad that you messaged me that day.
It never ended. It never went away. You never went away. I may have blocked you off but I still had to block you...'cause you were still there.
Here's the part I've been getting to this entire time, I love you. I mean that in every way imaginable. I love you. I love you in ways that mean I want to see you smile, ways that mean I want to protect you, ways that mean i would sacrifice myself for you and ways that mean I trust you to never truly break me. In ways that mean I trust you.
I'm not good with words in the moment and I know that, so I'm going to sit here and try to explain myself as best I can. I'm in love with you both. Yeah, this thing is to the both of you. I was incredibly nervous today, getting on cam with you...That's why i couldn't look at you for very long and I'm betting the feeling of anxiety was clear in my actions...but I was also incredibly happy to finally see the both of you. You dorks, you know...But you're my dorks. ********, I wanted this to be pretty you know. I wanted flowery descriptions of love that has never died and s**t...and though I do have a love for the both of you that has never died (or will never) die...I can't get it right...That's why I'm glad you can feel it, literally.
I love you...that's what you should know. I love you and I'm in this, for the long haul. I'm not running away because honestly? I can't imagine a life without the two of you in it now. After this...life without the two of you wouldn't really be complete... something would always be missing.
-Her Masochist- · Thu Dec 02, 2010 @ 12:03am · 0 Comments |
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