Time to cover ground and spread my word beyond the far reaches of VF, where my journal archive is originally located. Ask for info, I may not be here much longer.
Let's start shall we? I'm too good. That's somewhat of an open statement, so let me elaborate a bit so I can clairify what I mean.
I'm a nice guy, I do anything for people before I would myself, I'd give my heart and soul into something I care about. I'm respecful, and I'm loyal at whatever cost, and I'll resist anything trying to affect my goals. My dreams are what drive me, and I'll turn s**t into gold, and there's nothing that can stop me.
But, with every pro, there is a con. Let me introduce you to my dark side of the moon...
I've always had a particularily strange, and twisted mind; and the only comfort I've had in keeping these urges to commit some of my horrible actions is a friend whom is equally as ******** up. I've confided in him for years, and our personalities just click; so I use him as my support the calming of my growing insanity. I'm harmless really, and my urges are left dormant; and I'd probably end up with a case of self inflicted gunshot wound to the back of the head before I ever went on a killing spree. My friend is somebody I vent to, and helped me throughout alot of the last couple years, as I have helped him when he was in trouble.
Regardless of his company, I still never felt fully satisfied emotionally, or mentally. However, someone I know came into my life, and gave me a chance to make a change to my life. Everything I'd ever had been seeking for in a personality, in looks, in just about every aspect of her being, attracted me in ways I wouldn't have expected possible. It was like, searching for gold, and ending up with platinum; I was convinced I may had been blessed by an angel, and felt like something was right with my life. I still remember the day exactly how it was, and from that day forward expected my life to drastically change for the better; but life isn't all sunshine and rainbows - unless of course you're Jimmy Urine.
It's been almost three years, and the struggle to attain hold of this fantastic plan, built upon plan; dreams I've held tightly for so long, suddenly crumbling in my hands, I try and pick up the fragments, and piece it back together. I've fought for so long, I had given her my heart, and I've been hurt many times; I'm not strong enough to let go, but with impossible strength hold myself together. I feel someday as if things may return to the better days, and eventually succeed; while other days, I wish to surrender to the cold steel of a .45, and let my dreams drift away. I can't handle the soul wrenching agony, far greater than I've ever felt; this isn't my first, yet too much sacrifice would perminantly result in my last.
I've been on this planet for a long time, and regardless of success or failure, I'm set to expire one of these days anyway. Like a carton of milk, we all go sour, and put down the drain of life. I might need to leave perminantly depending on the direction my life takes in the next two days; otherwise I might not be here by the end of the week. I'm a happy guy, really; but the emotional stress of being torn apart from my one true love is killing me in the most painful way possible; a stabbing pain in the core of my heart, I can't stand how I feel. I wish it would go away, but I can't see a way out. This life is killing me, because her love was my life, and I can't survive without it.
The person who came in my life, lifted me high, and I felt like anything would be possible together; I'd always be here for her, and she led my heart to love, but now she's made it fall. I'm sitting here contemplating my next steps, and how much time I feel I've wasted fighting for something I would've sold the world to achieve.
I'd like to say I'm sorry, and I'm angry, how much of a waste of time it was; but, it wasn't, and I'm not sorry. I'll cherish every moment I had, and if I live the rest of my life alone as result, I'll die with those happy memories. I wouldn't live with regret, since it was the greatest moments of my life; I only wish I could have some of those moments back.
There is nothing life could give me in this world which could ever replace what we had, because there's nothing that meant more to me than her.
Now, getting to the end of my entry; not all my posts will be so heartbroken, then again I may never return again, so it's a unpredictible world as I've come to discover. As for me, I'm probably going to see what happens next, and if things go the way I expect; I'll be heading up to Calgary, and dissapearing for I don't know how long. I just would rather escape the pain I'm feeling, and pray for something to save me. I tried so hard, and gave everything I could; but now I just feel so useless, and defeated.
Saving me seems futile when all your heroes are dead, but perhaps I'll live another day. To everyone else out in internet land, I wish you all the best; and live free.
I'd like to dedicate this to someone special as a personal tribute to them Enjoy.
"Scars run deep, down to the bone. Touch my scar and feel the layers of sorrow; Your coldness blows like a chill in the night."
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