Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Hey daddy,
It's me. . .Angela. How are you? Do you miss me? Do you even remember me?
I wanted to tell you I am sorry for ruining everything. I know you loved her. sometimes I swear you love her more than me. You never held her down, you never made her cry, or scream, or run. You never made her keep a secret so dark she hid away from everyone.
I know this isn't what you wanted, and I'm sorry I told....I couldn't hide it anymore. the cuts got too deep and my body got way too thin and everyone noticed. They called me names, they beat me up, they even tried to. . .it wasn't easy and you NEVER noticed. The first time you saw my cuts, you asked if any of them were your fault. When I nodded yes. . .you got angry and told me to tell her "it was stress from school"
Every day I hear at least one song that makes me think of you and every time I do. I freeze. I stopped singing for people. You were right. No one wanted to hear it. They told me it was good but. . .they never meant it. I look at pictures on facebook. I see you, and blake, and her but. . .never me. . .no matter what daddy. no matter how much you hate me. . .I am still going to be your little girl.
I am making straight A's daddy. Just like you wanted. I am enlisted daddy, just like you were. I never meant to cause all this pain. I wish I could see you again. . .before I'm 32. . .I hope you are safe. .I hope you have hope. I hope she is still there for you. . .Blake is getting big. I haven't seen him for three years when I left you but. . .his pictures tell the story. I heard you all told him I ran away. I heard you all told him I didn't love him. . .why. . .you KNOW he meant the world to me. . .first I lost crystal then momma then bubba and serina, then grandma and gary. now, I've lost you and Blake. . and pooh doesn't want me. so here I am newly 18 with no where to go. I am staying with someone I don't really know as a last resort. I still cut. your name is everywhere, I see your face when I look in the mirror. I hear your voice when I speak, and I feel you, every night when I dream my nightmares are so bad I HAVE to take meds to sleep, I still am suffering. . .did you know I was anorexic, did you know I was a cutter, did you know I took pills to try and kill myself or that I was put away in a hospital for two years. no, you don't, you probably wouldn't care if you did.
What did I do to make you want to do this to me? Did I make you angry? Did I not wear enough make-up? were my grades too bad? Did I hurt you? PLEASE DON'T HATE ME!! I LOVE YOU!! your my daddy. and I NEED you!
I graduate in a few weeks. will you be there? I know you can't be but. . .I will still be looking for you. Please forgive me for what I did. It wasn't my choice. I wish I could go back. . .I wish my suicide would of worked so you wouldn't of had to go away. blake needs his daddy. he's only 8 and Jennifer loved you. . .more than I could. . . .

I miss you. . .please come save me. . .am I still your little girl?. . .