Okay, so I need somewhere to whine and this is the only place I could think of that I know no one reads and if they do then, well... You get to listen to me whine, but it won't make sense unless you know me really well and know how I think and who I'm talking about without me saying names.
Hokay. Basically I'm feeling pretty shitty because I'm jealous of someone I shouldn't be. It just always seems like everyone loves her, though. I love her and can see why, but I don't understand why I always, always, always get pushed into the shadows. And I don't understand why girls hate me so much! Seriously! What the hell? It's like a rule that if you're a girl and go to my school you have to hate me. I have TWO friends that are considered friends mutually and I can't do things with one of them and the other is always ditching me. What is it about me that just repels people? I mean... I have friends, don't get me wrong, but I'm not really close to any of them. Meagen's really the only one I'm close to nowadays. And Landon, but we live clear across the country from one another so I can never just go to him and whine that I want a hug because I've had a crappy day. I want my friends to be close to me, but it seems like as soon as they are something kicks in and they just leave me. I don't know if now I just distance myself from people without realizing it or if no one cares anymore. I'm sort of leaning towards the latter. No one ever calls me anymore just to hang out. And when they call at all it's because they want something. Like, a phone number or something. And whenever I call them they're already busy or don't feel like doing anything. And I'm being all emo and whatnot right now and I really, really hate it. I don't like being whiney, I don't like crying, I don't like being depressed, I just want to be able to smile for no reason. Because I'm content. But I'm never content because I'm a selfish whore. I always want more, more, more. I can't just be happy with what I have no matter how hard I try. I should be grateful I have as many friends as I do even if they ditch me. But I'm not. I want to be close to people again. I've always been really social and now all I do is sit at home and angst. The worst part is, I don't think anyone's noticed. I don't want them to worry, but either I'm a really good actress or no one cares. I certainly hope it's the former.
kendra kittyrawr Community Member 
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Community Member