How could I do that? To my favorite person, or all people.I should be hurt... but I can't do it myself. I have no right to anything, even pain's too good for me. Nothing is bad enough to deal - but I can't deal it to myself. I've tried, cutting the backs of my hands, deep enough to scar but not enough to sever tendons and s**t, but it doesn't work. No matter how hard I try, I throw the knife awya in frustration. I deserve to be hurt, but I can't do it myself. I'm less than a person, I'ma freak who doesn't deserve to be around but I can't bring myself to ending that existance. Maybe drugs... they'd do me in real painfully and then I'd die, just what I deserve.
But I don't even deserve something THAT good. So I should live a lonely, miserable life, live it long and sadly... barely at all. That's what I deserve. Death would end it, pain would excuse it... but I don't deserve release from this.
I can't believe I did that to my favorite person. I just... can't. I SHOULD sever my tendons, go on living, but take away an dexterity I have. I should stop everything, ******** my life and stay living. That's a fate far worse than death. I deserve Hell, with fire and brimstone, demons and devils tearing me to shreads with barbed talons, hooks and claws, but instead I must remain here, because I can't do myself in. I'm a ******** freak, and I deserve no better. I deserve the worst fate possible for doing what I did... I just can't believe I woudl do that. Even now, tears streaming down my face, mind wanting to hurt me, body unable to. I can't forgive myself, I just don't deserve it.
I can't believe I did that. I betrayed the trust of my most favorite, greatest friend. SOmeone I would wlak across blades and burning flames and shards of glass and fight a pakc of ravenous wolves of dire intent for... if she said the word, it'd be done. But... I can't forgive myself, no matter how much she tells me to. I can't.
But I can't end it either. Why can't I end it? I want to, but I just don't deserve it. I have no right to the calming peace that it death. I should be ******** destroyed for this... but.
I'm done. with this, with myself, with everything.
Goodbye.
CartiganMrryl Community Member 
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