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Gah. Feelings.
Yeah so its time that I updated this journal. I realize few to no people read this, but I guess its better this way. I can just vent here and not worry about whos reading it, which has happened to my blog. So what Im I going to journal about? Simple, what I can't blog about. How I REALLY feel about Tony. Okay so here goes... (this is harder than I thought) Im not comfortable with him. I guess in a way Im scared of him. I get all nervous any time I talk to him. Butterflies and all. It sucks, I mean I really like him, and maybe thats why I get so nervous. No thats a lie, I know why I get so nervous. Every guy Ive ever liked has worshipped the ground I walked on and been real open with me. Tony well doesnt and isnt. I never know what hes feeling. About me in particular. Sometimes Im pretty sure he still likes me, other times Im not. Sometimes hes warm and loving towards me, and other times cold and distant. . One of my biggest wishes would be him just telling me what he REALLY feels about me. Even if its "I hate you b***h go rot in a ditch" not exactly what Id want or expect to hear, but its better than not knowing. I mean I understand that it might just be hes not comfortable with telling me how he feels and stuff, and im cool with that. I mean IM the one with insecurities, so its MY problem not his. Okay maybe that sounds harsh, but Im a pushover to the nth. I just wanna make people happy. You know? Sometimes I start asking Tony questions, he gives me a half joking answer, or worse yet no answer at all, and I dont push any farther, I just accept it. I dont want to make him uncomfortable or force him to say something he doesnt want to. Manuel always got mad at me for putting other peoples comfort above my own, but I mean my happiness seems insignificant as compared to the number of hearts that could be happy by me being pleasent. Dont get me wrong, this isnt a sympathy post, its not even a depressed post. Ive been unusally happy lately. Im just writing out the emotions that stress me, getting them out in a place that I feel safe and stuff. Well Im going to stop now, this is getting rather long.
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