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Have you ever thought you were important? That there was someone who'd go to every length for you? Well I did. And it was thrown right in my face.

Dear Nobody,

I'm not as important as I thought I was. It happened yesterday. Kirsten came over. Here's the scoop. After a while with me and her dating, I told her smoking, drinking, drugs... I couldn't deal with her doing it anymore. I told her it was either me or those. She said "Okay, I'll quit." Well I told her if she did it again, I'd tell her mom everything. She did it again. I told her mom about her doing pot, drinking, smoking, etc. then She wasn't allowed to hang out with her friends, John and Robey, anymore. Now they hate me. Then she said, fine, I'll stop. And I caught her again. I smelt it in her breath. And I told her that I would deal with it. But... That was because I was coward. I didn't want to deal with breaking up with her. Later, I told her that should would quit smoking or I would break up with her. She stopped... for a while. Yesterday, we went to John's house and I wasn't supposed to let her because her mom told me not to. But I did. I didn't think it would hurt. She wanted to see her best friend and I felt bad so I said, Okay let's go. Well eventually, she asked me to smoke. She said she didn't want to quit. I told her if she did, I'd break up with her. We went back to John's house and she smoked. We walked home from his house and this was our conversation:

Me: Do you feel guilty? Her: No.

Did you go in the house to smoke? We're not allowed to smoke in the house. Then let me smell your breath. Okay, Yeah I smoked. Her: Will you still call me, I mean for good. I don't know, I guess. Me: If you knew that I'd break up with you, why did you do it? Did you think I'd not know? No, I knew you'd know. When we get back to my house, do you want to wait or go home then? What do you want? This is your decision. I'll go then. [silence] Me: It's not like what I want matters. [silence] Her: I want to wait. Okay then.



We got to my house and she was crying. I asked her what she wanted to talk about. She said she just didn't want to leave me. Things happened and I started crying. I told her I couldn't leave her. We stayed together and things went back to normal... for her atleast. She got everything she wanted. Smoking and Me. As for me? I got nothing, but feelings that told me I'm a coward.



I'm a coward. I couldn't follow up with what I wanted. I'm a coward. I went against what I believe. After everything's okay, I'm mad at myself. Mad at myself for being a coward. I feel as though I can't be without her but, my mom always says the right way is never easy, and it is never right to do the easy thing. The right thing is to leave her. But if I do, she may start everything bad again. I love her and I don't want her to do anything to hurt her. I feel as though she doesn't care about us if she smokes knowing how I feel. I can't trust her anymore... I love her though. I don't know how I can sort myself out. Now I sometimes feel as though if I didn't care about us, maybe she would break up with me, just so I wouldn't have to. I thought I was everything to her. I tried to be. And she threw it in my face. I love her too much. Too much than I should. And because of that I can't stand up for what I believe in. I'm not as important as I thought I was. I really am a coward.



Sincerly,

A Coward.