Right now...being sick and being away from everyone...its ******** doing my head in. I feel like total crap and I have too much time to think and its really depressing me. I dont understand why I have to get knocked down everytime something ok happens...I feel so bad lately because all I do is hurt or let people down. I dont know what Im doing... Im thinking about what i use to do and I do not want to go back down that path again but I dont know if I have anyone who knows me well enough or truely cares enough to pull me back up...
I dont know what Im typing because my head hurts so much right now that i just want to pass out and be done with it...
I dont want to feel anymore...I want to be numb like I use to be...I want someone to stitch me back together...
I DONT WANT TO FEEL FOR ANYTHING OR ANYONE BECAUSE IT JUST BRINGS PAIN AND DISSAPOINTMENT! but now that ive been shown what its like to feel emotions Im addicted...I love and loath this pain. I love it because I know that I feel but I hate it because its making me so week...I dont have a rock anymore. I being pulled under the water, towards a waterfall with rocks at the bottom and I dont have something to hold onto, to stop this fall. My body and mind and sould is going to shatter and split on those rocks that are called life... I believe I wanted this, I wanted to have life but Its so new, I need someone to hold my hand. Help me when I stumble...just be there...
I think about my death every day, I sit at train stations and watch the tracks and when I hear a train approaching the first thought isnt "Oh is this my one" its "I could step out off the platform, fly for a second and then be no more" I could die...Life is so easy to lose...its so simple for me to just leave here. These thoughts haunt me everyday like dark shadows flitting around me head.
Im not sure what to do anymore...Im so afraid I'll step infront of that train but yet Im so attracted it it.
I hate me, inside and out... I hate life I hate the yelling I hate the screaming I hate the pain ...yet Im in love with it all.
this may sound poetic but its not... its seedy and tragic and ugly. That is me.
L p U i N e A · Wed Mar 14, 2007 @ 04:18pm · 1 Comments |