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Well, I'm going to start posting my entries here since my other account is to vastly populated with onlookers...

I have on dilemma that you so graciously discovered

Everytime, unintentionally, you show how insignificant I really am: The follow-up

I'm so lost right now. I've been going through this "I don't care" and simplistic mindset. Even I know emotions don't disappear. They are simply the repressed. And no matter how many times you fight it off, the repressed always comes back. This feeling of anger. Deep, controlling, raging. My lost of temper and random violent attacks that go on for hours. I want to let it out. In a scream, tears, someone to talk to.... something. But nothing. This shell I've built around myself, my personality, keeps me from human contact. I want it to go away. I want to be a person again. The happy-go-lucky person I used to be with you. I don't want to be alive simply because I don't agree with suicide; I want to enjoy living and enjoy being alive. I can't simply just fake it and at the moment there's no reason to enjoy it. I'm trying to save you, I really am. Its just not something I can do alone. But I am alone. When I open the door theres noone there. Nothing but the emptiness that I sit in everyday. It's not something you can blame others for, it's my own damned fault. Why do you think I'm hoping this sickness will take my life? At first I thought it would be incentive for me to get off my a** and make the most out it. Then I remembered, death has been around me too much in ways that are all too close for it to motivate me to do better. Now, it's just my alternative way out. And I try not to look at it as a assisted suicide... but figuratively speaking, thats what it is.


Even though, so many months ago... The mind refuses to slip out of what it knows.