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I am in a cradle. It sways gently back and forth. My field of vision, dim. Peeping out at my mother's face. Above her head, a mobile spins fitfully, playing a music box tune.
In the next instant, one year old, two years old, three years old…the memories of those times reappear before me very vividly. Me crawling. Walking on unsteady legs. Trying so hard to say words that I remembered. I couldn't talk very well.
"Ma…ma…"
Her words to me also come back to me like this.
"Tomorrow you can go to your grandmothers."
"Grammy!"
Bright, sunny days. Sweat music surrounding me. Oh the smell of fresh sweets fill the air…
Along the axis of time, these events are truly just several seconds long. Between them, a few very long memories run around my head with ferocious speed. Every moment of these memories that I lived till then become vivid images and begin to spin like a revolving lantern.
Am I going to die….?
Up until now, I have thought this 5 times.
The first time this revolving lantern happened was when I was seven years old.
A family member that was very dear to me have died in front of me, or should I say killed. I remember screaming as tears fell down my eyes. I had a plugged nose from crying so much. A shaky hand holding a gun pointed at my uncle. A yelling man with short hair, you can say he was some what bald. The trigger was pulled twice. No matter what some people say things like this does not happen slowly. In a matter of seconds I watched the modulated face of my uncle next to me leak blood from his head. In a matter of seconds his life escaped him. I looked up at the man as anger filled him even more then before. The worst words spewing form his mouth towards him. He fired at my uncle's chest. The tears didn't stop. I look over at my cousin two years younger then me as she cowards in the corner of the room. What was I doing in the open. Fright racked my body, I couldn't move.
As I could do nothing but cry as he turned the gun towards me, all sound suddenly disappeared. A gentle sensation, a warm sensation, and there was a feeling as if I was being completely embraced by something. It doesn't matter what you call it. I was enveloped in a relief that I had not felt until that moment.
It was just after that moment. The revolving lantern began to move. All the memories I had since my birth till then began to one by one flash through my mind.
It was the first time this happened. I thought that surely I was going to die.
But I didn't die.
Thereafter, whenever I come close to death, the revolving lantern spins. In situations where I may die, such as traffic accident, a fight, it appears suddenly.
It has happened 5 times. That's a little much, perhaps.
I just seemed to run into bad luck.
When I saw my uncle die, I was terribly afraid. A part of the reason was, I think, that I was violently afraid of death. But at the same time, I was fascinated by death. I was caught by it. If I didn't try to go close to it, then I wouldn't see it. I wanted to go as close as I could to it because I wanted to examine it. I was too afraid to do anything that would put me into dangerous situations though. That was the kind of person that I was.
Just a little more. Just a little more and I can maybe see the answer. If I wasn't so afraid. That was the feeling. At that level, I couldn't die I didn't want to. If I wasn't such a 'scaredy cat', I could do it. I wanted to see more and more into the next world. There were times I'd cheer myself up by telling myself that.
MyKittieRawrs · Mon Mar 26, 2007 @ 06:46am · 0 Comments |
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