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[current mood: sentimental, retrospective, introspective, broken]
My band. Not only am I the only girl, I'm the oldest only girl. I'm only in it to help out a mate, but its getting ridiculous. I used to love playing my guitar until the early hours, making unique sounding riffs that sounded perfect, great for the band i WAS in. When it collapsed, around this time last year, I was shattered by it, and so jumped at the chance to join another band, thinking it would be the same, thinking I could recreate what had already been. How wrong I was- their riffs are dull, clichéd, there's no colour in the music; my soul has been sucked out through this...playing my guitar is now definately a chore, i can't create the riffs i used to, and find it hard to play the ones that already exist. We've been sucked into the system, using the same four-chord riffs over and over again, its unoriginal and I can't get out. He tries to sing with such passion but its obvious that he doesn't believe the words he wrote; he has no idea what he's singing.
I remember dreaming of how it would all work out great; how we'd stay together for a long time, how everything would fall into place. I remember all the lazy summer days I spent with the drummer, jamming for hours in his basement, and how we'd all get together some evenings, just to be there with each other. I remember how it would be warm, the sun would be setting and we wanted to stay there forever, but the rest of the world would'nt allow it. I had my book of dreams, where I scribbled down phrases that I thought may one day work their way into the lyrics of the perfect song we never wrote. There was not a dream in that book we did not believe in at one time or another.

But none of this was meant to be. The band carries on, driving itself into the dust; our music, if it can technically be called that, becoming more forced and unemotional every rehearsal of the "songs." We're drained and yet none of us have the heart to say it; we'll just keep going until the end because we don't want a massive, uncivilised break up, not like last time...in reality its just a lie.

Nothing ever really goes as planned, life changes its melody, and hits more sour notes than the band ever has. Nothing is perfect, we just have to have faith...problem is I have no faith left. Belief is something you shape as you travel through life; your personal filter for reality; and my belief has been shattered by this.

My guitars and amp lie untouched between rehearsals; I can't bear to touch them for fear the four-chord riffs will destroy me; the notebook has had nothing written in it since Christmas; I don't listen to music anymore, it makes me feel more numb than ever. And the worst part? I'm lying to everyone; even to myself and them, PRETENDING that its all going spiffingly well. Story of my life really...

And to think it was all going to be perfect, in the heat of the summer days/daze.

To my band; I'm sorry, I can't stay, I've let us down, but I can't lie anymore. We stink and its better this way. To my parents; I'm sorry you wasted your money on all of this. To everyone else related to the band; I'm sorry for all the heartache.