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~Truth~
I am not as stronge as I let on about this whole break up. I am not really all that happy about it. In fact I fight away the tear's when they feel like comming which is pretty much every second of everyday I know I messed up. He won't talk to me or answer my call's. It hurt's because I really wanted to believe he cared about me. I wanted to call him mine forever. And today I ripped up his picture's from my album, and the tear's almost took over my heart, But I have to act stronge for my family, For myself... And when I took his picture off my wall I wanted to just drop to my knee's and die... But I can't... I can't let him win... And yes with the help of my girl's I will be fine but it will take more time then I am letting on. I am fighting back the tear's right now but I know I'm going to lose... I had to do it at dinner at the fancy food place too. He just crosses my mind so often. It's not fair I have to feel this way because of the one I loved. I wish I didn't have a heart. I wish I could only love though's I knew loved me too. I blame myself so much for starting the fight. Even though my mother say's it was a fair fight, And someone else said "It doesn't matter who started it, He didn't love you if he didn't stay with you" and another one said "If he couldn't stick it out he wasn't meant for you" I wish I didn't blame myself so much I wish someone would tell me it wasn't my fault and mean it. But everyone know's it is... If I could of just kept my mouth shut Holy would still love me. But he doesn't and it's all my fault. He had his brother tell me off. That is the worst feeling to feel, When someone tell's you they love you so much and are in love with you, then dump you, won't talk to you for nothing, and has there brother answer the phone and call you every name in the book it really open's your eye's. And trust me it hurt's to know I was so blind I fell for everything he threw at me. He said he bought train ticket's to come see me and he was due to leave tomorrow (Saturday The 26th) and be here on Easter... But he got his "Money" back. But I know for a fact train ticket's are non-refondable. So either he's lying so noone know's that he wasted that much money or... He just... just lied about the ticket's... And that hurt's too... I havn't a clue why I am pouring my heart out to this jearnal but it's prob because I havn't anyone else to turn too... I need to get this off my mind and I need to feel good again... I wake up at night every hour on the hour looking for the phone because I alway's slept on the phone with him and notice it's not there... He's not there... Because of me... I said I was sorry and that is all I can ever do... I had his ex and best friend tell him to call me at least and he said "I said all I needed to say so uh NO"... I just want to tell him I am sorry for messing up his life and I'm sorry I loved him... I'm sorry I cared so much for something that wasn't real... I'm sorry I'm not stronge like you Rinni. I'm trying so hard to hide the pain I feel everyday... But I know it's my fault and it tear's me up inside... I'm crying now... I don't want Holy back because he let his brother tell me off and didn't say anything... If he loved me angry or not you don't let people do that... So I know I was just someTHING to pass the time... And it hurt's because I really loved him with all my heart... And now I have to pick up the peice's again. He promised not to hurt me like all the other guy's. And the saddest thing ever is... He hurt me the wrost... He promised my little brother (On Speaker Phone) he was comming to play game's with him and my brother cried when he found out that Holy had lied... I wish I didn't miss him like I do. I wish I didn't need him like I do... I wish I didn't love him... It's hard to love someone when your heart is laying broken on the floor... I can't just pick it up because I know the peice's will cut threw my skin and cause me to bleed more... I just want you to know Holy if you ever see this. That I love you. I'm sorry I hurt you and came into your perfect life... I'm sorry I ruined everything you had... But my feeling's for you won't change like your's did for me... I just hope your happy... Because at least one of us is...
~Song Of Thought~
...Missing.You...:...Westlife...
I can't sleep, I just can't breathe, when your shadow is all over me baby, Don't wanna be, a fool in your eyes, Cause what we had was built on lies,
And when our love seems to fade away, Listen to me hear what I say,
I don't wanna feel, the way that i do, I just wanna be, right here with you, I don't wanna see, see us apart, I just wanna say it straight from my heart, I miss you...
~P.S.~
The only good thing that has happened was that I just found out that the kitten's I have been waiting for to be born were FINALLY!... And in 6 week's I will be a mommy *Dance's* Well sorta!
.B.R.E.E.Z.Y. · Sat Mar 26, 2005 @ 03:14am · 0 Comments |
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