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Well, I made a mistake.
And like a domino effect, I keep making more.
Carrying on from the last journal entry about Johnny, I did get rather tired of trying so hard, and I told him that. Quite a few times, actually.
Each time was always the same. We would argue about feelings for a little and then he would say that he's not going to argue about it. Then the next day things go back to normal.
Very occasionally I thought about trying to get out. But he kept saying how much he loved me. That he truely, truely liked me. No joke. I thought that maybe since he loved me so much that he was going to make me his girlfriend soon. And maybe if we started dating, then things would get better. So I continued to push through.
He had said that he wanted another kiss. And after what had happened in the past I told him that he is going to have to work for it. I wanted him to just pull me in and kiss me. I wasn't going to ask over and over again for a kiss. He said that he was going to do it. Just pull me in when I'm least expecting it and kiss me. That didn't happen.
Things got a little intense at one point.
Johnny's mom was getting married so Johnny's best friend was staying with him for a week. His name was Mike.
I was video chatting with Johnny and this guy kept popping up in the backround, saying weird stuff. Trying to show off. Just being a boy.
The next night I had actually talked to him when Johnny left the room. I mean I guess it was fun. I like talking to new people, and he was kind of flattering. He had given me more meaningful compliments in one night then Johnny had since we met. But I was far from interested in continuing to talk to him. He was really unattractive and kind of immature. He gave off a weird feeling that I shouldn't trust him.
Each night, things kept progressing. Some of it was Johnny's fault. He was encouraging it.
Then one afternoon, Mike added me on facebook and invited me to videochat. I didn't see a problem with it. I wasn't interested in him and I was bored. Johnny wasn't talking to me. I guess he had left to go strip copper. So I talked to Mike. Well we didn't really say much. There wasn't much to say, we don't really have anything in common.
But when Johnny got back he got all kinds of mad at me. I knew he was jealous, even if he would never admit it. Johnny is the kind of person that never likes to say what he really feels.
I told him off. I said that I can talk to whoever I want. No one is going to rule my life and tell me who I can and can't talk to. I had been through that once before and it wasn't going to happen again. I told him that it shouldn't even matter if he trusts me. He should know that I'm going to stay true to him and not ditch him for his friend. I told him that he better straighten up his attitude because he is running out of chances with me.
So after much time spent arguing and prying I finally got him to tell me what was going on. He said he just got really mad because I was talking to HIS friend, on HIS computer, in HIS room, in HIS house.
I guess I kind of understood. But he had no right to get angry with me so I was still mad at him. A few hours later he finally came to his senses and said he was sorry. He told me that he was being over protective and that he really truely likes me and doesn't want to lose me.
After this incident he started saying he loved me more. I still texted Mike. Just as a friend. He was always pointing things out to make himself look better than Johnny, hoping I would change my mind and leave Johnny for him. He kept telling me how good he would treat me. Things got creepy. He became a little obsessive. He sent me a picture of his p***s thinking it would impress me. I kept telling him that he wasn't my type and I wasn't interested. I kept saying that it would never work out. He would be sad for a little bit then go right back to how he was acting.
Johnny's other friend David had recently been dumped by his girlfriend. I was helping him through it because I'm a nice friend. One day we talked about our feelings. I told him that I used to like him and I was very upset by the way his girlfriend used to treat him. I told him that he was a great guy and sometimes I wished Johnny was a gentleman like him and he needs to find the right girl. And for some odd reason he thought that I was his right girl. I did consider choosing David over Johnny a few times. But I couldn't do that to Johnny. Ditch him for his friend.
One day the JROTC went to the rockwall gym. Johnny didn't talk to me all day and I couldn't figure out why. When they got back, David told me that him and Johnny had talked all day and Johnny said that David could have me. I didn't understand why he would say this.
Not long afterwards Mike had texted me. He said that Johnny had told him something but I had to promise not to tell him because he had told Mike not to tell me. I promised that I wouldn't tell. He told me that Johnny had gotton back together with his ex girlfriend (Mike's sister). I didn't want to believe it. But at the same time I wasn't the least bit suprised.
I had texted Johnny, trying to get him to confess without telling him that Mike had told me. He had called Mike and chewed him out so I had to do a quick cover up and blame it on David. I never actually said anything to give Mike away. It was just a guilty conscience.
I told him that he needed to stop lying to me because I'm not stupid. He told me that he was tired of me never believing him. So after much arguing we just stopped talking. Then I made another mistake. Johnny had asked me a long time ago to help him make a fake facebook profile. So I got on and changed the password. I don't think he has even realized it yet though. I added this girlfriend of his and went looking for evidence.
I found on her profile that she was infact in a relationship. It didn't say with who. I looked at her statuses to see if maybe she had said who. She had posted a status that said something about in the end she had always gotton who she wanted. One of her friends commented on it saying "so I guess youre with the redhead now?lol" Johnny had commented on it "the sexy redhead lol aka me". She had also commented saying "of course lol". What more proof did I need? The bad thing is that I gave Johnny the chance to tell me the truth and he still lied to me.
A few days later she had posted again.
"There is just somethin, about him that makes me happy all the time! I love bein around him and I love talkin to him!! Without him I dont think I could be as happy as I am now... He is my bestfriend and he is my boyfriend.... He is special to me! I dont wanna lose him either! heart and this special guy is johnny michael roberts!! smile "
Suprisingly, the next day Johnny tried talking to me. He asked why I was mad and I told him it was because he got back together with his ex girlfriend and wasn't going to tell me about it. He flipped out saying he was not back together with her. He swore swore swore that he was not back with her. I couldn't understand why he still lied to me. Later he had asked why I said that and I told him that it was on her facebook. Just yesterday he tried to tell me that it wasn't.
Now he tries to tell me that he misses me and that he still loves me. He asked if I still loved him. I told him no. I don't. To me, to love someone is to not be able to imagine living without them. I love my best friend. I love my family. I love my dog. I most definitely don't love Johnny anymore.
I hope that one day he understands that he is making a really bad mistake. I hope that he finds out that his so called "best friend" forwarded me the messages that he was sent. He risked his friendship for me because he didn't want me to find out the hard way. He didn't want me to get hurt so he sent me the messages from Johnny. The messages that said how he had gotton back together with her and that he wasn't going to tell me because he didn't want to deal with s**t from me at school. Well I wouldn't be upset if he had just told me. I'm really an understanding person. But I gave him plenty of chances to tell me the truth. I gave Johnny way more chances than he needed. I will never give him another chance. I will never forget what he did. And I will never under any circumstances ever trust Johnny Michael Roberts again!