People wil often say that life is a game... but the reality is, life is not a game. You don't gamble people's lives, you can't just restart when you mess up. And you know what? In games, people don't kill themselves. And when my friend Cody did the unthinkable, drew the noose on his life, it seemed to open my eyes.
Yes, I admit that when things got hard I use to think about that option alot. Those years ago I really had nothing to hold onto, nothing to keep me going. I wasn't living, I was just there. It felt like I was all alone in the world. I had no one to talk to, and I was going through each day just to get it over with. But when things took a turn in my life, things got better, it felt like I woke up. I wasn't alone anymore, I had people who would listen to what I needed to say. And for the first time in many, many years, I was living life. I was going through each day with a smile on my face, going through each day happy as can be.
But certain things, I've learned, don't go away as easily as I had thought they had. And before you read further, I will state it plainly: No, I am not thinking about sucuide again. And I don't want sympathy if anyone here feels like giving me that - that was actually the whole reason I never talked to anyone before. And I'm simply writing this because once again I have no one I can turn to, and some things you can't just keep to yourself for long. But it feels, now, as If I'm awake while the others are all asleep. It just seems I think very differently from the way all my friends do. And now I can barely relate to them. Hanging out is no longer fun, life is just day rolling into day. I enjoy sleeping when it's possible, because I can escape into my dreams. At least in my dreams..... at least there things are different. They're not perfect to everyone, but to me it is.
Imagine your trapped in a glass box. Three of the walls are covered and you can't see out of them. The one you can see out of is the one that reflects into your own life. it seems as if you, the true you, is invisible. While you have many friends, you feel alone, because you cannot relate or be yourself with anyone. This, my friend, is exactly as I feel. well, atleast its the best I can describe how I feel. Things go wrong often for me, and I hide behind sarcasm and witty remarks to escape sympathy or pitying looks. No one is there for me to talk to, and while writing things out helps, it's only a short term relief. A while ago, when I felt like this before, I had more friends then I have now. Everyone in the class was real close, we were all good friends. But I pushed them all away, I was alone by choice. After a little while, they left. It seemed that none of them cared enough to perservere and be there for me. But why should they? My life = my problem.
I believe things aren't going to work out, I set myself up and push those around me away. And none of them seem to care enough to stay. And what scares me is that when things go wrong, I almost like it in some saddistic sort of way. A couple years ago, I really opened my heart and soul up. And no one cared. I felt like it was impossible for me to become.... become normal, like all the kids in my class. So I embrace each new challenge now, because it builds up endurance and willpower. It makes you stronger, less vulnerable. Those I know in real life and have read my writing might find this familiar to certain characters. Those who know me in real life and read this might say "But she can talk to me!". And no, no, no I can't. The only people I can talk to is the people who live in my head (And before anyone says anything, no I do not hear voices. In this way I'm solely talking to myself I can trust myself. I can't trust anyone else. I've learned that the hard way.
And now all I'm wondering is if I'll ever be able to break through this glass box. If I'll ever just be happy with life. If I'll ever leave the security of my loneliness and imagination, and break free.
Sadly, I don't think I will....
Yes, I admit that when things got hard I use to think about that option alot. Those years ago I really had nothing to hold onto, nothing to keep me going. I wasn't living, I was just there. It felt like I was all alone in the world. I had no one to talk to, and I was going through each day just to get it over with. But when things took a turn in my life, things got better, it felt like I woke up. I wasn't alone anymore, I had people who would listen to what I needed to say. And for the first time in many, many years, I was living life. I was going through each day with a smile on my face, going through each day happy as can be.
But certain things, I've learned, don't go away as easily as I had thought they had. And before you read further, I will state it plainly: No, I am not thinking about sucuide again. And I don't want sympathy if anyone here feels like giving me that - that was actually the whole reason I never talked to anyone before. And I'm simply writing this because once again I have no one I can turn to, and some things you can't just keep to yourself for long. But it feels, now, as If I'm awake while the others are all asleep. It just seems I think very differently from the way all my friends do. And now I can barely relate to them. Hanging out is no longer fun, life is just day rolling into day. I enjoy sleeping when it's possible, because I can escape into my dreams. At least in my dreams..... at least there things are different. They're not perfect to everyone, but to me it is.
Imagine your trapped in a glass box. Three of the walls are covered and you can't see out of them. The one you can see out of is the one that reflects into your own life. it seems as if you, the true you, is invisible. While you have many friends, you feel alone, because you cannot relate or be yourself with anyone. This, my friend, is exactly as I feel. well, atleast its the best I can describe how I feel. Things go wrong often for me, and I hide behind sarcasm and witty remarks to escape sympathy or pitying looks. No one is there for me to talk to, and while writing things out helps, it's only a short term relief. A while ago, when I felt like this before, I had more friends then I have now. Everyone in the class was real close, we were all good friends. But I pushed them all away, I was alone by choice. After a little while, they left. It seemed that none of them cared enough to perservere and be there for me. But why should they? My life = my problem.
I believe things aren't going to work out, I set myself up and push those around me away. And none of them seem to care enough to stay. And what scares me is that when things go wrong, I almost like it in some saddistic sort of way. A couple years ago, I really opened my heart and soul up. And no one cared. I felt like it was impossible for me to become.... become normal, like all the kids in my class. So I embrace each new challenge now, because it builds up endurance and willpower. It makes you stronger, less vulnerable. Those I know in real life and have read my writing might find this familiar to certain characters. Those who know me in real life and read this might say "But she can talk to me!". And no, no, no I can't. The only people I can talk to is the people who live in my head (And before anyone says anything, no I do not hear voices. In this way I'm solely talking to myself I can trust myself. I can't trust anyone else. I've learned that the hard way.
And now all I'm wondering is if I'll ever be able to break through this glass box. If I'll ever just be happy with life. If I'll ever leave the security of my loneliness and imagination, and break free.
Sadly, I don't think I will....
