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I did it... I've become, a summoner... |
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I finally let go... What a release! I burnt most of it... It's nice to have him out of my room, and partially out of my head. It's easier to push back the memories when they're not staring me in the face everytime I walk into my room...
It's kinda nice to be able to look at someone and not see a part of him...
It feels good to have let go....
riahnnons_fury · Sat Nov 26, 2005 @ 04:25am · 1 Comments |
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To you.... you know what it means... |
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I want to look like this soooooo bad!!! |
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You.... you you you you you..... gah!!!!! Why do you do this to meh? I've already taken the dive off the edge and fallen head first so far into the water for you that it's driving me crazy.... I can't stop thinking about you... I can't ever wait to hear your voice... I'm so happy for every moment I get to talk to you at all... And the best part about this water, is that it's clear... It's not murky and cloudy and dark like other waters have been... It's blue... And it's bright... And it's nice....
I miss you so much when I have to leave you for the night, and go to bed by my lonesome, only to wake up alone and go to work, having the whole day to only think about you... I swear it's torture....
It's all your fault, huney...
I swear it's all your fault.....
/).(
I love you, huney.... I do... And it's your fault...
You started it....
Thanks wink
heart heart heart
riahnnons_fury · Mon Nov 14, 2005 @ 04:42am · 0 Comments |
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Rock Bottom here I come... |
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I went to the mall today with my sister, brother, and my sister's boyfriend... We went looking all around at the sexy stores that she wanted to look at, and by the time we were done, I felt like 10 times my size, and like I was a walking can of interest repellent. My sister is a teenincy little 128lbs... I... am about 204lbs... Ashamed as I am to say it, it's true. So I felt terrible as it was. My sister did kinda get mad at me before we left, which completely killed my mood. And then she got mad that I was mad.
I don't mean to be the way I am. I honestly don't. But part of it's not my fault, and that's the truth. Bipolar disorder doesn't wait for you to accept it before it takes over. Moodswings happen, and they can't be controlled. But I do try to be happy. I really do. I want to be happy and fun and make friends and find love, and be loved, and get to be comfortable in my skin and in my head. But you know? ... It's hard when you're me.
I see myself heading downward. I'm tired emotionally. I'm really lonely lately, especially after that dream I had about Chris. I'm missing Krishna bad, and trying really hard to occupy myself with Chris and Jeff and work and things like that. I don't know how well it's working. Everything's ok until moonrise. I get into bed and memories come flooding back. His poetry, his box, everything he gave me, the roses, all the emails he's sent me, his pictures, my letters to him, all the times we had, and the love we made in that same bed... ... v.v ... ... It kills me... It absolutely kills me.
It's... Killing... Me...
On another note, my sister's 18th birthday is Friday. That also kinda makes me sad, just thinking about that she's all grown up and such, and it feels like not too long ago we were just little kids, y'know? 5 and 6 years old playing with dolls and playing dress up and such. It makes me really sad. My oldest sister is moving back home. She'll be living next door. I'm happy to see her coming back.
I've begun putting myself in what could lead to a pretty tight spot. A downward spiral, if you will. I'm really trying to stop it though. And I'm glad for people like Jeff and Chris to talk to, to kinda take my mind off of it, and give me a few minutes of peace, or a few minutes of something other than what has become my norm.
I'm glad for both of you boys... Granted the situation between the three of us may seem a little off (Jeff, you know what I'm talking about). I love you both. Very much.
Chris... You drive me completely crazy... You make me upset, you make me cry, and half the time you're completely oblivious to how you're making me feel... But alot of the time you do make me feel very good about me. And you make me feel like I'm something special... Which I haven't had in such a long time. When you actually try, when you put in a little effort, you can become the sweetest guy ever. And I think it's that part of you, those few glimpses of that, that keeps me waiting and waiting, miserable as the waiting may be. I absolutely adore you Chris. Head over heels, 100%. And that's why I try so hard, that's why I get so mad, y'know?
Jeff... You remind me of everything good that made me fall for the greatest love I've ever had. And that both attracts me and scares me. You're very special to me, and you mean so much in my eyes. You're always so concerned with how I'm feeling, and that makes me feel wonderful. You're awesome to me... You're so sweet to me, and the great thing is, is that I don't have to drag it out of you when I want some form of attention. You always seem to say the right thing right when I need it to be said. You help me forget about the things that are hurting me inside, and for the moments that we talk, it's just us, y'know? And that's so nice....
I love you boys... As of right now I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have either of you...
riahnnons_fury · Tue Nov 08, 2005 @ 01:26am · 4 Comments |
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Riahnnon says: i'm getting sad now Riahnnon says: lol Jeff says: why? Riahnnon says: because...... *singing* i'm lonely...... i am so lonelyyyyyy.... i have no body.... to call mah ownn..... ooooweeee!!!!!! Jeff says: O_O Riahnnon says: hehehe
riahnnons_fury · Thu Oct 20, 2005 @ 03:25am · 1 Comments |
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