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Dark passion burns inside of you and fills me with such terror. You profess you love to me, but only with your horror. You touch me and I tremble, you caress me and I cry. I say I love you, you slap me and it makes me want to die. How much can I take? When will my mind break? I say I won't play the victim so how do you make me quake? You bind me up and shove me against the wall, Then try to kiss my tears away when I begin to fall. No one makes me feel the way you do, or hurts me as you do. You know no love, you know no shame, you know not what you do. Oh how soon did my strong wall crumble, After our painful rough quick tumble? Leave me be for the love of God see me, Set me free for the love of God hear me. Don't obsess over me: Your Obsession Or you might very well kill me.
letsxhavexeyex__sexx · Wed Mar 30, 2005 @ 01:12am · 0 Comments |
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Sometimes I wish I could live happy in my delusions in a nice safe padded room where injections keep me from destroying what's left of myself and where I never have to think only react and where I live safely away from the things that make me so crazy. And sometimes I wish for oblivion's sweet kiss and its days like that that seem the worst to me, and then I refuse to give up or give in, but sometimes I think that it would be so much easier if I just gave in. Then it just builds up inside of me and I'm just a caged lion with no cage. Perhaps it isn't me at all- maybe it's everyone else who's all ******** up and maybe I'm the one who's fine. But I guess that couldn't be it couldn't? No I suppose not, because that'd just be too simple. So it must be me and nobody else. And sometimes I'm afraid I'll suck everyone else into my delusions but I guess it's too late to read the warning label to the people in my life, isn't it? Now they're all part of it and no matter what I try they'll be affected too, but I should have known that already, but I guess I didn't. And sometimes I wonder how much in good conscience I can dump on my friends. OR am I really dumping on them, perhaps I'm not at all maybe it's what they need or deserve. Because when I look at them and see their colors floating around them- the pink, the blue, the red and even black floating around them but never expanding as if trapped by some invisible force- but I can't see my own colors at all and maybe my protective force was shattered time and time again and the colors of my life escaped me somehow and maybe that's why I'm so drawn to people. I need color to live my life. Or maybe my lack of color draws them to me like a moth to a flame and like that moth they live a short victory before being engulfed in flames. They have their colors and ask me what's wrong with me. Why are you sad? Why aren't you happy? Why aren't you angry? Why don't you feel? Without my colors I'm empty inside and maybe that's why I can't be happy, because happy doesn't make me feel. Pain and hurt that makes me feel. I cut myself deep and let the blood trickle down my arm then I take the blade and rub it on both sides with my blood. I make a blood oath to myself that I will feel one day. I let blood run all over me and then I rub salt into the cut and sit back and revel in the ecstasy of a feeling even if it is intense pain. And maybe that's what my friends and family don't understand, I can't be truly happy because I can't feel anything- even happiness. Its the absence of feeling and I just want to feel something- but pain is the only thing that makes me react anymore- and if it's all I get then so be it- I want to have the pain. If only I could take you out of your colors and into my absence you would see that the only true color lies in that little blue pill that tastes like sugar until your mouths fills and tastes true bitterness for the first time, the bitterness that only true colors bring. I try to look at the world with rose tinted glasses but they shatter and I get shards of glass cutting my eyes and face. Am I now to be blind? Isn't that wonderful? The world tells me to look through glasses, and now I'm to be ******** blinded! What is that? Honestly! Should I then blame the world for my short sightedness? I suppose only time will tell, so lets take a good look shall we? When I was a very young I was a pretty happy kid. Nothing ever got to me, ever. Despite it all I only got more resilient and more insistent that the world was a good place. Some one said that once. Who was it- think, think- do you know? That's what I need to ground me right now- one tangible, coherent thought- I know I know this.... ANNE FRANK! Yes she said it- she said "in spite of everything I still believe people to be truly good at heart." I wonder if she still thought that when she died in a Nazi prison camp, but I digress. What was my point... ah yes? The point is up until I was ten I believed the very same thing. Then my glasses broke, and that's when my eyes were cut open, so I had no choice but to see. I couldn't shut my eyes after that. And the blow that shattered my glasses was just a simple, simple realization:
You can live your life with unhappiness, you can live your life without anger, you can live your life without hope, and you can live your life without love. Now these things remain Unhappiness, Anger, Hope, Love and Pain. And the greatest of these is pain, because it's the only one that you can't live without.
And perhaps it is this revelation that defines the meaning of the commonly used Darwinian phrase "Survival of the fittest." Who defines what the fittest is? Is it a test of pain? Because pain comes in many forms, and if you can't live without pain then survival must come from conquering the effect pain has on you, and you can't conquer something you've never dealt with. So to survive and be the fittest one must be able to take more pain then anyone else. So that means life is pain. And the world tells us differently. It says life is just living- live and let live- everything in life happens for a reason. That's a lie. So it was in fact the world that broke my glasses, it wasn't me at all!
letsxhavexeyex__sexx · Sat Mar 26, 2005 @ 04:13am · 1 Comments |
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*waves at everyone*
Hello out there to everyone in cyber land. My name is Alisha. I'm a 15 year old female. I live near Toronto.I love to Model,act and dance. I enjoy free stlye. I totally love watching movies. My favorite of all time has to be Gone With the Wind, although my close second is Dogma by Kevin Smith. I have recently also become obsessed with the movie Moulin Rouge. As for the music I like... uh... I kinda like it all.I listen to everything from Opera to Metal, I guess it just depends on my mood. I love Madonna, although I'm sure sure if that has to do with her music or just her attitude.I also love ICP,more than anything really. I also like Marylin Monroe and collect things about her.Rececntly I seem to be very focused on collecting stuff from classic hollywood. I love to read and will read almost anything. Right now I'm reading Behind The Paint. I guess I'm kinda a geek, but not in the conventional way. I'm just one of those geeks that never understood the glamour of hanging out at a closed store at all hours of the night. I'm single right now.SO anyway that's me in a brief mini-biography. Enjoy... *blows kisses*
letsxhavexeyex__sexx · Wed Mar 23, 2005 @ 09:47pm · 3 Comments |
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