i don't know how to start it. I guess I can say i reached my breaking point last night. I cut the ******** out of myself and wouldn't stop. I almost passed out from the blood loss, but the scary thing is I was so happy. I was actually happy that I was slowly killing myself and I was only caring about what I wanted. That was when I texted everyone, almost making sure that no one would hate me for what I was doing, even if they had no idea. I was almost asking for a distraction from it all, but it never came. My mind slowly began to break down and I began to hear everything everyone has ever told me. About how my grandma told me that if my mom didn't move out, it would have been my fault that she killed herself, my dad yelling at me for telling my mom about him over dosing, my sisters yelling at me on a daily basis about every little thing I do wrong, my moms boyfriend being a d**k and all the stupid ******** standards everyone has set for me. Mully and Quinn yelling at me for taking pills, people telling me to go to god for help and how he hasn't done a ******** thing to help me until now. All of it just made me want to have the blood flow more and more. My mom walked in and I couldn't hold back anymore. I told her about how all I want to do is ******** kill myself and stop ******** up like I always do. I want to take pills and every other thing that could make everything just ******** go away and let me finally be happy with looking in the ******** mirror. Every little thing, I even told her about the voices that I've been hearing in my head telling me how much of a piece of s**t I am. Of course she cried and asked me why I never told her sooner, but then she told me that she wants me to stay with her until monday, then I'm going to see a doctor and they'll tell me what they think I should do. I know they'll send me away and put me on medication of some sort, but what else can I do? Even now, I'm cutting myself. I don't care anymore. I'm just an empty shell at this point.
jemkochi: And that's what happened
(Figured I'd let everyone know about my little break down and realization.)
 Splatfest · Fri Mar 16, 2012 @ 09:09pm · 0 Comments |
