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::Music: Violent Pornography -- System of a Down:: ::Mood: happyish, but sad too::
A very special entry I am writing. I will now reveal the reason I was soooooooooooooo happy.
So...last night...somethings were happening with Ruka...so I turned to Luke for comfort and to help me get through it. I told him about a lot of things...things I thought would make him hate me or something. And then I told him even more today... Also I told him that part of the reason I was hesitant to tell him was because I liked him a lot.
This is the cuteness of our convo. *smiles some*
Me (5:02:00 PM): *figures i might as well tell you all my secrets* Luke (5:02:22 PM): shoot, honey Me (5:02:45 PM): cuaseee...I like you >_<' Me (5:02:49 PM): *hides now* Luke (5:03:53 PM): maybe i like you too Me (5:04:01 PM): O.o Me (5:04:08 PM): maybe? Luke (5:04:31 PM): -grin- maybe Me (5:04:35 PM): do youuuuu? Me (5:04:45 PM): crying don't tease me you big meanie Luke (5:05:06 PM): -whistels innocently- Me (5:05:13 PM): *pouts* tellll Luke (5:05:29 PM): but youre so cute when you're desperate Me (5:05:44 PM): wahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You're so meannnnnnn! Luke (5:05:55 PM): -giggles- uh-huh Me (5:06:01 PM): ._. tell meeee you meanie Luke (5:06:23 PM): i do Luke (5:06:25 PM): i like you Me (5:06:32 PM): O.O *shock shock* Me (5:06:49 PM): *giggles and blushes* crying awww so we like each other mutually lol Me (5:06:54 PM): how cute crying Luke (5:06:58 PM): mutual likeness Me (5:07:05 PM): mutual likeness is good >_>
Luke is veryyyyy nice. <3 I likkkkkke him. In case it's not obvious. He's very good looking. Hell ******** that, he's hot. And he has this great great personality...and he's so sweettt Wah...he's just...so....so...Wah! I should write this when I'm not so gushy and then I will able to put my thoughts about him down in a clear manner!
I can't believe someone as wonderful as him could LIKE me. Things like that just DON'T happen to me! And...I'm pretty sure there isn't a catch...I think something truly good has happened to me. I'm glad I trusted him and myself and shared things with him t hat only few people know. I feel like an elementary schoolgirl or something.
*bites my lip, trying not to smile* I really like Luke a lot...and the great thing is...he likes me...that is one of the best things that's ever happened to me...and that is the sum of this post.
TheEndofDreams · Mon Jan 23, 2006 @ 07:16am · 1 Comments |
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::Music: End Roll -- Ayumi Hamasaki:: ::Mood: giddy::
WAH WAH WAH
So upset about things!
But THEN TEHN THEN WAHH *cries in happiness* i dunno when something so good happened to me last!
TheEndofDreams · Sun Jan 22, 2006 @ 10:44pm · 1 Comments |
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::Music: Under the Rose -- HIM:: ::Mood: Shitty::
I'm still coughing up some blood...and feeling...really shitty.
*rubs my head* and this headache. ugh.
I just wanna crawl back into bed and sleep but I have things I gotta go do...so I gotta get up and do them. >_<
I talked to Enj's friend Luke a lot last night. He's really nice. *yawns a little and sighs*
Meh...I missed Ruka....
TheEndofDreams · Sun Jan 08, 2006 @ 02:16pm · 1 Comments |
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::Music: Face of God -- HIM:: ::Mood: shitty, sick::
Well, I think I'm quite literally dying. Inside and out. I've been coughing and throwing up blood since last night. I took a shower...and I ended up throwing up blood during it and seeing the blood running down the white surface...my mind flashed to a bloody scene with my arms butchered up and me lying in the tub, my body cold as ice. The sight at the moment is almost welcoming.
I'd get to escape the guilt of betraying the only person that really gives two shits about me. And I didn't even mean too...The whole time I fought it and was tryin gto say no but yes is what came out of me...and I ******** know why. I know that Haku is my weak spot...and Kunyio konws that too...and he used it against me. Anything else, I would have been strong enough...
I don't and didn't want to hurt Ruka...and I want to make it all better and make it all go away. *rubs my arms, blinking back tears* I loved the time Haku and I talked together...it made me so happy...even though I know what is behind it. *looks towards the window* But my happiness is not enough cause to hurt Ruka...and I shouldn't have let myself go weak. I should have fought with it more. I never meant to hurt my best friend...
I can't change the past, but god I want too. I want to punish myself...and I have been...even if not on purpose. I think how my physical state has deterioated is by my own doing somehow...and *looks down* I'm not blocking Haku, but I'm not going to talk to him...When he's on...I want to know...so I can torture myself with the knowledge that he's so close to me but yet so far...
I'm scared i've damaged my friendship with Ruka beyond true repair. And it's killing me, because he's the only reason I'm living. I won't lose him...and he still loves me...but I don't know if he'll ever trust me again. I don't know if the hurt will ever heal. *swallows and stares at the floor* I'm so selfish...I want Haku...I love him...and I wanted to be happy...and I let that get in the way of what's truly important...Ruka...who really does love me and cares for me...and wanted me to be happy...He wanted to help me even though I frustrated him and drove him crazy...he never abandoned me...
I'm a horrible friend...I feel like I know how Judas Iscariot must of felt...I think I can understand why he hung himself instead of finding forgiveness...When you betray someone you love so much...and I not only betrayed Ruka I betrayed Haku...when you betray people you care about...all you want to do is hurt yourself...and make yourself pay for what you've done...as much as you want their forgiveness and love and acceptance back...You scorn yourself...and I'm trying so hard, because I don't wanna hurt my Nii-chan more...
And I promised him I wouldn't kill myself...that i wouldn't hurt myself...But how I feel I should...And as horrible as it is...I still want Haku...but I can't have him...and it isn't possible. I don't even deserve his hate, because to hate me he has to acknowledge I exist...
I'm filled with so much self-loathing right now...and I feel in shreadsy, physically, mentally and emotionally. And I don't know what to do...because I can't make Ruka feel better...and I can't help myself...and I can't undo what Kunyio's done. I don't wanna hurt anyone again...I don't wanna hurt Ruka...I wanna make the hurt I caused all ready to go away...
But I don't know how...
TheEndofDreams · Sat Jan 07, 2006 @ 04:03am · 2 Comments |
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::Music: Be That GIrl -- Asyln:: ::Mood: contemplative::
My tarot reading said to be patient and not rush into anything and for once I think it's actually damn accurate and helpful.
I also did another reading on a site that also gives you advice on something to DO...and it has a prayer to say to the Earth Goddess(and yess I'm begining to believe in stuff like that). So I'm actually thinking about doing it. And yeah, another reading said to meditate...which I've been doing lately. It's pretty nice.
I went pretty much a whole night without getting depressed over Haku...almost a whole night. Probably because of Enjolras...he cheers me up a lot. lol and is distracting. I like talking to him. ^-^
TheEndofDreams · Wed Jan 04, 2006 @ 08:27am · 1 Comments |
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::Music: Goumon Yaburi Nogareru Jutsu Arimasu ka -- Aushvitz:: ::Mood: annoyed, tired, pissy::
I'm stuck doing s**t for someone...I don't really want to do anything. A little part of me says...they're life is so good right now they can ******** do this not fun s**t themselves...but I know that's just the part of me that's angry at life and the world and everything...
So I'll try and finish this s**t so I can go to bed. I'm trying not to cry in the meantime...Because I know if I start crying I'll say ******** it and just go to bed. I'm not jealous...just it brought back what I've been trying to avoid all day. And now I'm a lone and left with it and the pain and nothing that will actually distract me.
I wish Haku hadn't signed on yesterday...because it just hurts more now that he isn't going to be around...to just be given a nother reminder. I still am jumping everytime someone signs in or PMs me...And then I'm just disappointed time and time agian...
If it weren't for Ruka I probably would just turn off my computer and curl up under the blankets. But for now...
I'm gonna go take a long shower...or maybe a bath...Then i'll come back and work on my friend's s**t. All I'm good for afterall.
TheEndofDreams · Sat Dec 31, 2005 @ 09:46pm · 2 Comments |
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::Music: The Face of God -- HIM and Rinse -- Vanessa Carlton(on repeat):: ::Mood: realistic::
Haku...actually came on.
Spending just a few minutes with him and not even having a real conversation made me happy beyond belief...Truly happy.
But I was bound to hit the ground at some point. *laughs weakly* Of course he didn't want to talk to me...and of course he's not gonna be back again. *looks down at my hands* If he does come back...I won't talk to him...
It hurts to feel so happy...and know there is nothing to be happy about...and then you hit the ground again and you have to try and put yourself back together and continue as you had been.
If I thought he cared even a little for me I'd beg him...but I know that it is useless. He told me before he doesn't care if people fall in love with him and if they ******** kill themselves because of htem. He only tried to deal with me because Ji cared about me so much...
I'm not stupid...*looks out at the pouring rain* I don't know what I am doing...I don't really hope or expect...I just want...I wish...I dream...but i'm still falling apart.
Feeling that echo of how happy I could have been...if things had gone better...just another chip against my sanity.
TheEndofDreams · Sat Dec 31, 2005 @ 07:31am · 1 Comments |
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