This is probably the only time I will admit to this. Its pretty horrid. You see once upon a time there was the young lady who found herself dating this young man. He was everything she had ever wanted in a partner. Strong minded, smart, witty, a beleife system about life and how to treat women that she truly thought no living man had. But she promised herself she wouldn't fall in love with him.
Why? simple. She had just been hurt one to many times. Not just by boyfriends or girlfriends. But by all those she had loved so dearly. If one holds ones self back logicaly others can't hurt you as much correct?
So a few months passed and the few thing he did wrong to her, the things that cut her and their girlfriend began to fester. So tired of the waiting game she took him aside and they both agreed it would be a good thing to go their own ways for a while. At that point she realized she loved him very much, much more than she had expected to. But becauseof that love she was willingt o walk away and so she did. She didn't cry, she didn't even take a close look at her heart. In short she did what had to be done and pushed everything else away from her.
Alot happened after that, to much to tell you. But now she finds herself in apickle, living with him and afew others has forced her to admit to some thing. She did the one thing she promised herself not to do. She fell in love with him. ANd mixed in with that love is gaping grasping hole of pain. It is with her at all times, this constent hurt. ANd he doesn't know, she really doesn't want him to know.
Every time she see's him she want to make him smile. Everytime she geta hug from him her heart just about bursts with joy and then withers when he elts her go. Everytime he tells her he loves her its arush of joy and agony. Because he will never, can never, know how much she cares for him. Even when she is angery as hell at him, as soon as she see's his pain over another matter she simply isn't angery any more.
That the truly horriable thing. Her love isn't about the things he can do for her or what she gets from him. Its about seeing him smile when he saw her. Its about taking showers in candle light because it was beautiful. Its about singing songs to each other and whispering sweet little nothings just because you could. Its about holding that person when they are upset and not needing to know why, you just knowing they need you is enough. Its about being woken up on a dingy little love seat early in the morning with a hug and a kiss. Its about playing in the rain with a twister coming and laughing when its passed.
Its about that look he gives her even today that says there are so many things one wishes they could change, so many hurts they wish they could heal and so much love yet left. Its about waking up in the night crying because that person isn't there and never will be again. Its about a kiss on the forhead, its about dragging each other through the book store by the hand laughing at silly covers. Its about so many many things....the thing i miss the most is knowing that i could hold him at any time....i miss having him....see ing him... doing all that silly s**t with him.
I read some where that if you broke some ones heart they are still hurting inside. But how can a heart break multipual times? It sbroke when i left and it breaks every day when i see him.....
Shadesnightmare Community Member 
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