|
|
|
SIDEKICKS
Issue 1
J. Jonah Jameson: Witnesses claim Thor Junior had lightning powers... That Iron Kid's armor was more advanced than Iron Man's... That Teen-Hulk was very polite... and that Lieutenant America was... According to Farrel here - extremely bossy. Kat Farrell: He told me to move, like, ten times. Jessica Jones: Where were you? Kat Farrell: In his face, asking him questions. Jessica Jones: While he was trying to put out the fire? Kat Farrell: What's your point?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
[The Young Avengers have just crashed through the window of a church.] Iron Lad: Hulkling, what did I say about coming in through the rose window? Hulkling: Patriot told me to. Patriot: I did not! I suggested it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hulkling: Thanks for watching my back. Asgardian: It's a pleasure. Patriot: Guys! Hulkling: Do you smell smoke? Asgardian: Kinda... Patriot: That's because that last lightning storm of yours kinda started a fire. Hulkling: Oh... Asgardian: My bad.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hulkling: According to the Bugle, we're the Young Avengers. Asgardian: Okay, before we call her, we have to come up with a better name.
Issue 2
Asgardian: I don't think we can afford to lose Patriot. Hulkling: What's he gonna do? Go solo? He's not ready for that. I mean, the guy's stubborn, but he's not... [They turn around to see Patriot single-handedly taking on a car of armed men] Hulkling: ... an idiot.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Asgardian: So who are these guys? Patriot: Dealers. I caught 'em selling MGH in the park. Hulkling: At the risk of sounding dangerously unhip, what's MGH?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hulkling: So what do we do with the dealers? Patriot: Leave 'em here, I guess. Asgardian: With a note saying, "From your friendly neighborhood Young Avengers"? Because that'll stand up in court. Patriot: You got a better idea? Asgardian: Gee, let me check my super hero manual. Oh, wait, it's in my other tights.
Issue 3
Jessica Jones: What about you Hulkling? Hulkling: My real name's Teddy Altman. I've got super strength. Jessica Jones: Any anger issues? Hulkling: I don't hulk-out, if that's what you mean. At least not any more than most sixteen-year-olds.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
[Growing man has split into several smaller robots] Asgardian: Okay, this completely violates Growing Man continuity. Iron Lad: What do we do? Hulkling: We're fanboys, aren't we? So, we collect them all.
Issue 4
Patriot: Hulkling, break it down. Hulkling: How? Patriot: I though you had super strength. Hulkling: I thought you had super strength.
Issue 5
[Iron Lad takes off his armor and stands there in nothing but a tank top and apparently boxer shorts]: Iron Lad: Without my armor, I'm powerless... Cassie: We'll protect you. Iron Lad: ...And a little underdressed. Asgardian: Want my cape? Iron Lad: Thanks, but it's the not-wearing-pants that concerns me.
Issue 6
Kate Bishop: We can't just stop because Captain America thinks we're too young. Cassie Lang: What about our parents? Hulkling: My mom would kill me. Asgardian: My mom would institutionalize me. My dad would kill me.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Kate Bishop: So Billy, about your new codename. Asgardian: Why do I need a new codename? Kate Bishop: Because you're not an asgardian, you're a warlock. Plus, you need a name that won't become a national joke when the press finds out about you and Teddy. Asgardian: I definitely need a new codename.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Kate Bishop: Stature and I were thinking-- Hulkling: Wait, who? Cassie Lang: That's my new codename... Stature. Asgardian: And mine is? Kate Bishop: Wiccan. Asgardian: Wiccan... I don't hate it.
SECRET IDENTITIES
Issue 7
Hulkling: Well, your parents are in a good mood. Wiccan: Annoying, isn't it? Hulkling: Which means you haven't told them yet. Wiccan: And ruin a perfectly annoying good mood?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hulkling: You come out to your folks yet? Stature: Almost. You? Hulkling: Nope. But Billy did. Wiccan: Yeah... just not in the way I intended to. Kate Bishop: Uh-oh. Wiccan: The good news is my parents think Teddy's the perfect son-in-law. Stature: That's amazing. Wiccan: That bad news is that Captain America is gonna show up and tell them he's also a shape shifter. Hulkling: And that their son is a practicing witch. Wiccan: Warlock. Hulkling: Whatever.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
[Regarding Patriot.] Wiccan: You think he told his grandma the truth and she--? Kate Bishop: What? Locked him in his room? Eli's a super-soldier. Even if his grandma wanted to stop him. There's nothing she can do. Wiccan: She can make him feel guilty. Kate Bishop: Except that. Wiccan: And grandma guilt is the worst.
FAMILY MATTERS
Issue 9
Kate Bishop: Can I ask a terrible question? Hulkling: "How do I know my mom's not a skrull?" Kate Bishop: That's the one. Hulkling: Because she's my mom. She sells real estate, she does pilates, she's not a skrull. Kate Bishop: What about your dad? Hulkling: He died before I was born, cancer. Kate Bishop: I'm sorry. Hulkling: But my mom said he was a good guy.
Issue 10
Jarvis: The Super-Skrull...? Wiccan: He kidnapped Teddy, murdered Teddy's mom, and destroyed my parents' apartment. My mom is freaking.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Vision: Thomas Shepherd. Sixteen years old. Springfield, New Jersey. Patriot: What's his speciality? Vision: According to the Avengers fail-safe program, he's a speedster. Wiccan: What's he gonna do? Outrun the Super-Skrull? Who's next on the list? Vision: Thomas can also use his speed to accelerate and destabilize atomic matter. Wiccan: What does that even mean? Kate Bishop: It means he can blow stuff up. Wiccan: Let's go get him.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Patriot: Vision, what were you thinking? Kate Bishop: Eli, relax. It's just juvi. Patriot: "Just juvi"? Vision: You wanted someone powerful. Patriot: I wanted a Young Avenger. Not a Young Master of Evil.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Wiccan: Why is Thomas here? Vision: He accidentally vaporised his school. Patriot: Accidentally? Vision: According to his attorneys.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
[Wiccan and Thomas share a strong resemblance.] Stature: Woah... you guys could be... twins. Thomas Shepherd: Wait... I know you. The Young Avengers. You're the shape-shifter, right? Stature: No, his boyfriend's the shape-shifter. He's the warlock. Wiccan: Witch, actually. "Warlock" means "Oath-Breaker." It's not a nice word.
Issue 11
Hulkling: We can't just leave. They'll kill him. Wiccan: Teddy, the Super-Skrull kidnapped you. He murdered your mom-- Hulkling: And he may have just saved my life. I'll be right back. Wiccan: No way. I'm not going to lose you again. Hulkling: Then stay close and cover me.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Wiccan: I want him to heal, I want him to heal... Hulkling: The spell isn't working. Wiccan: Probably because I don't want him to heal.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Wiccan: Why do I bother. He never listens. Hulkling: I heard that. Wiccan: Oh, sure. NOW he listens.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hulkling: HOLD YOUR FIRE! Wiccan: They're not listening. A trait which I now realise is obviously genetic on both sides.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Wiccan: Tommy--! Speed: "Speed". Wiccan: -- What did you just blow up? Speed: The United Nations building. Wiccan: WHAT!? Speed: Which I'm going to need you to magically put back together for me after we take down the Zodiac. You can do that, right?
Issue 12
Thomas Shepherd: I thought Avengers weren't supposed to kill. Wolverine: Relax junior. They're SKRULLS. They grow back. Eventually Thomas Shepherd: in that case.. (Skrull explodes) Wolverine: You're sick, kid. I like it.
YOUNG AVENGERS SPECIAL
Scarlet Witch: You're bleeding. Wiccan: Sorry. I thought it stopped. Scarlet Witch: What happened? Wiccan: I kinda got punched in the face. Repeatedly. Scarlet Witch: Why? Wiccan: Because I'm... different. Scarlet Witch: A mutant? Wiccan: I wish. Scarlet Witch: No, you don't, believe me. Being a mutant only makes people want to punch you more.
CIVIL WAR: RUNAWAYS/YOUNG AVENGERS
Issue 1
Hulkling: What'd he say? Wiccan: "No." And I don't think he's changing his mind... He had that look on his face. Speed: (pointing at Patriot) Oh, like that look?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Wiccan: IwillfindThePrideskidsIwillfindThePrideskids- Speed: Hey, do you really have to do that every time you cast a spell? Hulkling: Do you really have to complain every time he casts a spell?
Issue 2
Wiccan: Wait. You're dating a Skrull?! Karolina Dean: K-Kind of... You got a problem with that?! Wiccan: N-No! Hnn... I kind of am too...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Speed: Look, here's the deal. We've got a super-soldier, a giant girl, a robot from the 30th century, a Skrull/Kree super-soldier, Billy (who, yeah, is kind of lame, but can cast spells), an Olympic class archer and martial artist, and... me. And really, me's all you need. So tell me, whattayou got that makes you think you shouldn't just give up?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hawkeye: We're the Young Avengers... Nico Minoru: Wait, like deputies?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Xavin: I apologize for my outburst earlier. We skrulls are not known for our patience. Wiccan: Shhh. You don't have to tell me. Teddy's half Skrull himself... All of him's impatient, though.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Xavin: You are half Skrull?! Wiccan: And half Kree! Hulkling: Billy... Wiccan: What? It's cool... His mom was a Skrull empress and his dad was Captain Marvel! Xavin: Y-you are Dorrek VII? The Great Unifier who will bring union to the Skrull member worlds? I am at your service, my savior. Hulkling: Oh, well... Actually... I kind of passed on the job, so...
Issue 4
[The Warden is disecting Hulkling in stocks, realizing that his shifting biomass means he will continue to heal and protect himself, while Wiccan, also in stocks, is forced to watch.] Warden: It just means I get to cut and cut and cut for days on end and he won't die. Wiccan: IwanthimtogotosleepIwanthimtogotosleep Warden: And you get to watch. Isn't that grand? Wiccan: Iwanthimtogotosleep... Warden: Come now... surely you have something to say to me. Wiccan: (in tears) I want you to die.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hulkling: The Young Avengers don't kill... Xavin: Your own team-mate wanted this insect dead just minutes ago! Wiccan: I thought he was going to kill Teddy... That wasn't me talking. God, I hope that wasn't me...
YOUNG AVENGERS PRESENTS
Wiccan: I'll text you... Speed: Come on, Romeos. Between my speed and Billy's magic, this should be cake. First stop -- Genosha, right? Wiccan: Actually... [Speed already vanished] Hulkling: Remind me again: Do we like him? Wiccan: To be determined.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hulkling: Well... Wiccan: Well... Hulkling: You know, right? I don't have to say it? Wiccan: Me too. And then some.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Speed: Slowpoke. What took you so long? Wiccan: I... was saying bye. Speed: Right, to the-- *coughcough* Skrull. You guys're getting pretty hot and heavy, huh? Watch it, bro; Remeber what they say about mixed marriages... They never work. Wiccan: A) I'm not going there with you, Thomas Speed: Thomas? Wiccan: And B) A moment of silence, please. Don't forget where we are.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Speed: Okay, whatta we got here? Flames... Sulfur... Demons... Souls in Torment... -- Ahhh, I'm in trouble, aren't I? Oh, man, Billy, whatever's going on with you, don't forget your big brother...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hulkling: And how was Tommy? Wiccan: Fine. He was... We do like him. Sorta. Hulkling: Hey... Wiccan: Yeah? Hulkling: I like you. A lot. I'm glad you weren't gone long.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
[Kate inner monologue] Of course, that's not how it works. There are no secrets between couples like Billy and Teddy. Teddy might be half-alien but he's all sweetheart, and he'll want to tell my best friend so she can help me. But Cassie won't want to upset me any more and won't know what to do. So she'll ask her robot supercomputer boyfriend for advice, and he... well, The Vision doesn't understand human nuance sometimes. The minute Eli senses everybody talking about something he doesn't know, he'll go to him to get it straight. And then... Then I'm in for a little payback.
SECRET INVASION RUNAWAYS/YOUNG AVENGERS
Issue 2
Wiccan: GET AWAY FROM HIM!! Speed: "Get away from him?" Seriously, little brother? Not exactly "Avengers assemble", is it? Wiccan: JUST TAKE THEM DOWN, TOMMY!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Speed: Billy, wait! How can you tell it's Xavin? Does he have a mole or something I'm missing?! [...] Xavin: WE HAVE TO GET DORREK TO SAFETY! THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS!! Speed: Oh, right. It is you, I can tell now from the stick up your--
Issue 3
Speed: ONE SIDE PEOPLE!! ALIENS AND MUTANTS COMING THROUGH!! Xavin: I said "low profile"! Is he insane? Hulkling: Possibly. Wiccan: Probably.
DARK REIGN
Issue 2
Patriot: Okay, so this "Hey, attack them" order I didn't give... Hawkeye: He pulled a gun. My fingers: Tiny brains of their own. Like an archery dinosaur. It's a failed metaphor. Can we move on? Patriot: This isn't going to plan. Hawkeye: So start talking. Impress them. But only the boys. Patriot: All right--!
Issue 3
Speed: ... An Avenger, Coat. Seriously, I think you'd rock. I mean, I know my guys can be pretty judgmental-- Internet Taliban judgmental-- But that's just 'cause they're a little innocent, a little naive. I kind of like that about them. And FYI, you are so hot.
Issue 4
Enchantress: Hey, so it's just us now. You know, I think I'm magic enough already. I don't need any more teaching. How's about... I get to know you better. Wiccan: I'm... erm... I'm with someone! And gay! Did I not indicate that?! Very, very gay! Enchantress: Well, d'uh! Does that make a difference?
SIEGE
Hulkling: You're saying my boyfriend's a closeted Norse Nerd? What, were you afraid I'd pee myself laughing?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hulkling: Hey... Billy... I don't know what your whole Norse thing is about-- not to be passive-aggressive but, y'know, 'cause you never told me-- But the best thing for you and for Asgard right now is to help each other.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Wiccan: They're looting it. Hulkling: Well, okay... That's sucky, but they're no pushovers and there's still the injured out there in need of help, so I'm thinking we-- [Turns to see Billy is no longer there.] Hulkling: Billy? Ah. Crap.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
PABOOOOM Hulkling: I sure hope this isn't more evil buttheads being buttheady. Wiccan: And evil.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hulkling: So all this time I've known you... Wiccan: Don't... Hulkling: Norse Nerd. Wiccan: Remember that lightning? More where that came from, Teddy. That's all I'm saying.
THE CHILDREN'S CRUSADE
Issue 1
Hulkling: Can we talk about the fact that you just walked out on the Avengers? Wiccan: I did not. I walked out on Cap and Iron Man and... Hulkling: Like I said... Wiccan: They were going to take me prisoner. Hulkling: They were going to take your temperature. Wiccan: You think? Hulkling: I think. Wiccan: Oh my God. I just walked out on the Avengers.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hulkling: Can we please just talk about this like the mature, semi-adult Super Heroes we want the Avengers to think we are? Wiccan: I'm not interested in what the Avengers think anymore. I'm going home.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Captain America:: Hulkling, I understand you want to protect your friend, but… Hulkling:: Captain, I understand you’re concerned about Billy, but if anything happens to him… your primary concern should be me.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Wiccan: Sorry about today. Hulkling: You couldn't help yourself. Wiccan: What do you think they'll do to me? Hulkling: They'll run some tests... You'll sit down with Dr. Strange and then we're out of here. Wiccan: Promise? Hulkling: Promise. Wiccan: Are we about to make out in Avengers Headquarters? Hulkling: The minute you stop talking. Wiccan: I'm not talking. As of now. That was the last talking. Speed: What the hell are you idiots doing? Wiccan: Tommy-... Speed: I go to all the trouble to rescue you, and you two are in here making out? You're prisoners. Prisoners don't stand around making out with each other. Do they?
Issue 2
Hulkling: Magneto, STOP! Hawkeye: He's a terrorist, Ted. They're not the best listeners.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Wiccan: She's right. We have to stop this. Hulkling: Any idea how we do that? Wiccan: By finding the Scarlet Witch Hulkling: I don't think the Avengers will approve. Wiccan: I don't think I care. Hulkling: I don't think I've ever been more attracted to you. Wiccan: Try to hold on to that feeling in case this doesn't work.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hawkeye: Billy Kaplan, did you just magic us halfway around the world? Patriot: He just made us all fugitives, is what he did. Thanks to Billy we just teamed up with Magneto, fought the Avengers and fled the country. We're not the Young Avengers anymore. We're the Young... Brotherhood of Evil Mutants!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
[Wiccan changes the wardrobe of the Young Avengers and Magneto to appear less conspicuous.] Kate Bishop: Really, Billy? "The Sound of Music?" Thomas Shepherd: What are we? The Uncanny von Trapps? Hulkling: It's his favorite movie. Wiccan: It is not. It's one of my favorite movies.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Wiccan: Maybe if we joined hands and... I don't know-- Reached out with our... feelings? Speed: I don't have feelings. And I don't hold hands.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
[Quicksilver has kidnapped Wiccan and is making a run for it as Speed catches up to them.] Speed: I have to say, I'm a little offended you didn't kidnap both of us. After all, you and I have so much in common, uncle Pete. The Super-Speed, the brooding bad-boy thing, the weird white-headed-ness... though I suppose it must be a blow to the old ego, knowing there's a version of you out there that's younger, better looking... and faster. Quicksilver: If it's a race you want nephew... Wiccan: Do I get a say in this? Quicksilver: ... Then a race you shall have. Wiccan: Yeah, I didn't think so.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Speed: I'm faster than Quicksilver. Wiccan: Looking on the bright side... Quicksilver: If only to distract me from your brother's yammering. Wiccan: ... It's not as if your father just tried to kill you. Speed: Race you back to the village? Wiccan: Maybe he actually does want to make up for his past. Quicksilver: Nephew, the last time I allowed myself to believe that... my father tried to kill me. Speed: I'll even give you a head start. Quicksilver: So, this time I intend to make sure... Speed: Best two out of three? Quicksilver: ... That he never has the opportunity.
Issue 3
Patriot: We may be children... But even we're not stupid enough to risk starting another world war by engaging Doom. Wiccan: I am. Speed: Wiccan is. Wiccan: No, I mean, I'll go. Hulkling: I'm with Tommy on this one. Wiccan: Why risk sending everybody when I can magic my way in, get the lay of the land, and get out? Doom will never even know I was there. Hulkling: That's because you're not going.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Cassie Lang: Where's Billy? Kate Bishop: You don't think he's...? Patriot: Casting a Latverian Travel spell? Hulkling: He'd better not be... or I'll kick his a** so hard, Doom won't have to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
[Quicksilver catches Wiccan trying to cast a Latverian Travel spell] Quicksilver: I have to admit, I thought I'd have more in common with your brother, the Speedster... But here you are, disobeying my father the moment he turns his back. I'm impressed. Hulkling: Really? I'm disappointed... And not just because my idiot boyfriend is behaving every bit as irresponsibly as the Avengers predicted he would, but because you're encouraging him, Quicksilver.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hulkling: You want to sneak off to Latveria without us? Please do. The less my friends and I have to do with you-- or your father-- or Doctor Doom-- the better. But if you somehow manage to convince my idiot boyfriend to go with you... I will rip your legs off.
Issue 4
Magneto: Shall we review the plan? Quicksilver: What plan father? This isn't a plan, it's a stunt. You're going to create some kind of distraction while we try not to get caught and/or killed searching the corridors of Castle Doom for Wanda and Wiccan. Speed: Sounds like a plan to me. Quicksilver: That's because you're twelve. Speed: Sixteen. Quicksilver: Like I said-... Hulkling: Guys, can we please just go rescue my idiot boyfriend?
Issue 5
Captain America: And we've got--... Patriot: We've got Wolverine flying through the air backwards. Captain America: Where did he come from?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Wanda: I can't just leave him. Wiccan: Believe me, Doom can take care of himself. We have to get you some place safe where no one will try to capture you-- or kill you-- or marry you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Wiccan: I am so happy to see you people right now, I almost don't even care that you're about to start yelling at me. Hulkling: Good, because-- Wiccan: I said "almost".
EXTRA
Hulkling: Anybody else wish they'd gone to the bathroom first? Wiccan: My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen. Hulkling: Just sayin'. Cassie: You'll be fine, Teddy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Wiccan: Teddy, you okay? Hulkling: Yeah. Lucky your brother's missing his brains. Weighs less when he gets thrown at you. Speed: I'm fine, if anyone cared.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Wiccan: You guys, this is it. We're going to the mansion! Can we focus on the awesome for a second? Speed: I can think of a different mansion I'd way rather be in... But I doubt you'd be as excited, bro. Wiccan: Shut up. Please?
Teddy AItman · Wed Jan 16, 2013 @ 12:30am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|