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Me: -picks up poppy- Kevin, stop dropping your damn poppy! I've picked it up 7 times now!
Kevin: -drops poppy-
Me: Gah!



Ana: Those two horses in your story, one of them gets pregnant, right?
Me: Yeah, Patty bears Tempest's children.
Ana: -thinks for a moment- Can I have their babies?
Me: ... Excuse me?
Ana: Can I- Oh! -bursts out laughing-
Me: You can, but it'll be painful on your part.



Mark: Hi, Sab-ba-baba-rina-ina.
Me: That's not my name and you know it.
Mark: I know, Sab-ba-baba-rina-ina.
Me: -irritably says- I love you too dear.



(This takes place in a dream)
Unknown Person: All you have to do is jump through the elevator and you'll zoom through the whole building at the speed of light.
Me: Is that safe?
Unknown Person: As safe as jumping off a cliff.
Me: -muttering- And how often have you done that? Is that a hamburger in your bag?
Unknown Person: Yeah, but you don't want it. It's been in there for a year. I showed it to my husband earlier today. We were planning on having it for dinner tonight.



Mom: Ummi, where did Farnaz and David-
Me: Upstairs.
Mom: -park?
Me: Nevermind



Mom: Can you remember the title Planet Earth?
Me: Well, that's not going to be hard, considering that we live there.



(This is me trying to let my mind wander. I had this friend who left in Grade 6 and I was thinking about him one night, wondering where he was.)
Me (thinking): I wonder if he would be in my class. Of course he'd be in my class, everyone's in my class. I'm always in my class!



(I'm part of the Faith group at my school and the below event took place while I was selling a school bracelet to the kindergarten classes)
Me: Would anyone like to buy a bracelet?
(The children, who are about knee height all stand up and stare at me with small faces and extremely large eyes. It's a touch unsettling)



Mom: You know, you're one of the best looking girls in the class. Look at these two girls in the front row. What are their names?
Me: Well, for starters, they're not girls. Those are guys. Marc and Philip.
Mom: What!? But they're even sitting like girls! They should really cut their hair. Tell me, hubby, do these two look like boys or girls?
Dad: -just walked into the room- They look like girls. Why?



Mrs. MacDonald: Where'd you get this geode?
Me: My aunt's wife works for scholastic. -I suddenly realize what I said- No! My aunt is married to a husband! I mean, she has a husband, not she's married to one!



The result of watching too much CSI: Miami
Me: Okay, spread out and search the vacinity. That rabbits gotta be around here somewhere. Danielle, looke under the fiberglass there. I'll procede to look through that box of melted sand.
Danielle: What?
Me: Look under those surfboards and I'll look in that tinted-glass box.



Mom: Why we throw out garbage at Tim Hortons, I'll never know.
Me: Well, everyone needs a hobby. Some people bird spot, others whale watch... our hobby is garbage bin spotting.
Mom: -laughs a** off-



Mom: (in Italian) Ma, tell Zia to fax it to her.
Nonna: (also in Italian) Sylva, you should... (thinks of an appropriate word for fax. She doesn't know one in Italian, so she tries to repeat the English))... f**k the paper over to her.



Me (looking for movie theatres on the computer): Country, Canada. City, Mississauga. Province... wow.
Factori [reject]: What?
Me: I almost asked you if we were in Ontario.



Paul: Jeez, my dad said he'd wait for me.
Me: we were just inside for a second.
Paul. He said he'd wait for me right here.
Me: If he said he would, I'm sure he did. The other thing you have to look at is this: he left you here when he specifically told you that he'd wait. What does that tell you, Paul?
Paul (jokingly): Shut up!



Me (looking at watch): I gotta be heading home soon. I've only got about seven minutes left.
Falling Uphill: You should run.
Me: Home? With a bike?
Falling Uphill: Uh... (starts laughing)
Me: Uh huh. I'm not gonna ride the bike. I'm gonna run with it. Makes perfect sense.



Me (addressing my sister): Go open the front door for your tutor, please.
Sissy: (walks to front door to open it)
(doorbell rings before Sissy gets to it)
Me: Wow, I'm phsychic.



Mays: I don't want to study.
Me: So don't. I'm not.
Mays: I'll just read the textbook. (grabs textbook)
Me: Yeah, 'cause that's not studying.



This one's not exact (also over the phone last night), but you'll get the gist of it.
Me: Boredom is a beautiful thing. Some of the greatest things come out of boredom. How do you think Mary Had a Little Lamb was made up?
Factori [reject]: I'm going to say boredom. He was probably a ***** too.
Me: ... Somehow I don't think that would work well.
Factori [reject]: He was hungry too.
Me: For the little girl?
Factori [reject]: No, for the lamb. See, I'm thinking that it was actually a little lambchop.
Me: Chasing the girl?
Factori [reject]: Yeah. All cute and fuzzy like. The ***** wants it.
Me: A fuzzy lambchop. So it's gone bad, then. So the ***** is chasing the fuzzy lambchop which is chasing the girl. I feel sorry for her.
Factori [reject]: No, the ***** is chasing the girl.
Me: But you said he was hungry?
Factori [reject]: Oh... yeah.
Me: Okay, how about this. The ***** isn't chasing the girl because he very hungry. He's chasing the lambchop because it's dressed up like the girl. So the ***** is chasing the lambchop who's trying to get away, and somehow Mary was caught up in it all.
Factori [reject]: Yup, that sounds right.
Me: Ah, boredom. A wonderful thing.



This takes place in our school Milk Monitor's room. Factori and I were there distibuting the milk to the classrooms. There's a window in the back that students can look through to see us in. we don't like that pect of the room.
Me: Are they still staring at us?
Factori [reject]: Yeah. Maybe if we stack the boxes infront of the window, they'll go away.
Me: All right.
We start stacking the boxes infront of the window until there aren't anymore left.
Me: Damn, there's still a hole you can see through.
Factori [reject]: My God, they're still staring at us! We should hide!
We run around in frantic circles for a moment, looking for places to hide. Factori ends up in very good position behind some desks, and I end up beside another desk, in plain site of the hole.
Little Kids Outside the Window: Look, the milk monitors are playing! Come, look!
Factori [reject]: Argh, now they think we're playing. You gotta move from there, they can see you.
Me: Yeah. (looks around for a better place to hide. I eventually settle for the inside of the desk) Okay, when they look away, I'll crawl inside the desk.
Little Kids Outside the Window: (turns and calls more friends)
Me: (crawls hastily under the desk) Okay, I'm out of their field of view.
Little Kids Outside the Window: OMGlookitmoved! O.M.G! LOOK! KEVIN! IT MOVED!!!
Factori [reject]: What?!
Me: Great, we've become an 'it' now!




I'll add more as I remember them.