Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I have spent the last few days in bed with Luke. We didn't have sex. Just laying in bed with eachother. Sleeping and cuddling. I also did alot of thinking. Luke really gave me something to think about. We were talking about relations. I was thinking sexual relations and he may have been too but he brought up something of interest.

Apparently in his culture they don't have those kind of relations until after something called a joining. From what I can gather its like marriage but more spiritual or mystical. He said these joinings lasted where marriages fail. A joining of body and soul or something.

I feel I really have been pushing it with my openess. He doesn't show it but He may be hiding his true feelings about it. I mean I know he cares for me. and I feel its a deep caring but my ways of showing how I feel and how much I want to be with him are the wrong ways. I think I need to talk to someone about this. If only Owle was still around.

Maybe not taking the pills was a bad idea. It didn't take long before I was in bad shape. Not just the headaches. This was much worse. My whole body felt on fire and the pain was intense. I think I passed out several times. Apparently we had someone that was able to whip something up to help.

I have been doing better since it seems. I still get the headaches from time to time but they are more easily dealt with. A couple aspirin seem to take care of them now. I feel good. I also have not been having the nightmares. Sleep has been more peaceful.

On a side note I think I might be scaring Luke. Or maybe scarring him. I took my clothes of in front of him. I'm not sure why. It is how I usually sleep. Did I do it to try and seduce him? Does he think me one of those Slutty city girls his daddy probably warned him about? He hasn't said much but I think he likes it. He's just nervous and embarassed.

I haven't written in awhile. Haven't really felt there was anything to write. Unfortunately thats not the case now. I lost a friend yesterday well two really.

Owle is dead. Someone killed her I'm not sure who but I think it was that Monk woman. It is sad but I feel I didn't do enough to honor her death. Today a friend of hers came in and said Owle wanted Luke and I to have her stuff. It was the least I could do to honor those wishes. I didn't know her long but I wil miss her.

My doctor also showed up last night. I guess she was concerned about my prescription being filled so soon. Luke did not get along well with her. There was something he wanted to know though and she could tell him. I wasn't privy to their discussion but she did something to him. Something that hurt him. Something that changed the way he sees me.

I feel maybe he doesn't completely trust me anymore if he ever did. I know when he looks at me sometimes he is trying to hide it. Mainly because I asked him too. I hope he can forget what he knows or at least not let it get to him. I care so much for him I can't lose him now. I need him.

I've decided to stop taking the pills. Luke thinks I don't need them so to show I trust him I will not take them anymore. I hope I'm hiding the pain from him well enough. I know we promised not to. I just don't like him worrying about me. Its too painful to see.

I'm not exactly sure why she did it. I got the sense that sometime in my past I hurt or killled someone she cared for. But she certainly has a hard on for me. Sorry heard that on a TV show I watched the other night. Anyway she really wanted to kill me.

I was more concerned for my friends then myself but they seemed to want to help me. I'm not sure why. If I truly did something awful to her or hers she deserves vengeance. Yet with everything she through at me I somehow survived. Was it devine intervention? If I am truly a monster I can't see how.

The Saloon was destroyed by her actions and Luke was hurt pretty badly. I wish I couild have kept him from harm but there was nothing I could do. My injuries took some time to heal but they did heal. I heard there was some healer or something that came to help. Maybe he helped me recover.

The thing I can't get over is why. The woman never said and if I see her again I doubt she would tell me. There is something in my past that is evil. I just know there is. What that is however I may never know. DO I want to? What would I do with that knowledge? Someone somewhere doesn't want me to know. Maybe they are right.

Sleep took its time to come to me last night. There was Luke laying in the bed beside me sleeping. What did I get myself into? I had a man in my bed. I lay there watching him sleep for the longest time before sleep claimed me.

I must have had one of those Nightmares again. The doc's callled them Night Terrors. I guess they are different from nightmares. You don't recall what happened while you were sleeping and it happens before REM sleep. Whatever that is. All I know is I Awake in a pool of sweat and don't remember a thing.

This night was differnet from others though. Luke was there when I awoke. Already comforting me and telling me everything was ok it was just a nightmare. I think they are worse otherwise why would your mind chose to forget it. It was very nice laying there in his arms. I was able to fall asleep much easier then other nights.

I've asked Luke if he'd like to stay in my room. I don't know where the question came from but I said it. Its just that he sleeps in the saloon and alot of times its sitting at the bar that he falls asleep. It can't be comfortable. He did say yes which made me happy but also worried.

I spent that first night away from the saloon. Asking him to stay in my room may have been the stupidest thing I've done. What if he sees? What will he think? I think I've left myself exposed in some way here. I couldn't face him.

I hardly got any sleep last night. I spent the night thinking about him. The way he talks. The way he smiles. The way he eats like he hasn't had a meal in ages. The way I feel when he puts his arms around me in a hug. Even the way he sleeps. I don't understand it.

I have to admit I am not sure if I ever felt this way before but it feels like the first time. When he hugs me I feel all warm and tingly. When I see him I get flush and my stomach feels like butterflies are flittering inside. He makes me feel like I belong.

Look at me. I am acting like a school Girl with a crush on a classmate. I really don't know if these feelings are good or not. I don't know really who or what I am. I don't want to hurt anyone. Especially him.

I find myself wondering if despite my feelings I shouldn't just leave and never come back to this place. Yet I am not sure I will be able to do that. I fear I would miss seeing his smile.

I think I found a place to stay. I came into a place called Washu's Saloon Yesterday. It wasn't very busy just a few people here. They were very nice however.

Owle seemed nice mostly. I think from what I heard she's a shape shifter. She unfortunately has been confined to a wheelchair. Someone crippled her badly. She seems to be taking it fairly well at least better then I would. She's a mess.

Wendigo. He asked me to call him Wen is co-owner of the place. He was very nice to me and gave me a job tending bar and a very nice room to stay in. He also helped me to my room when I got a migraine. Others have let me lay in the middle of the walk.

Then there is Luke. I'm unsure what he does but he was extremely nice to me. I'm not sure what is going on but I think I like him. I enjoy seeing him even though I've only known him 2 days.

I think Owle doessn't like him much though. She seems to yell at him alot and poke him. Of course he says some bad things to her as well. Or maybe they are related I should ask. I've heard siblings sometimes act that way.

Anyways I think I might like it here. Hopefully it will be safe to stay.

I haven't wrote for weeks. I've hardly had time to sit. I thought I saw the woman outside my window of the room I rented. I decided it was best to leaveand have been on the move since. I can't go on much longer. I'm nearly broke I'm tired and I'm hungry.

I haven't seen her since then so maybe I'm just paranoid and its time to stop running and find some work and a place to stay. That is if I can find someone willing to hire me.