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"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." Rodney Dangerfield. "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." Ellen DeGeners.
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac." George Carlin.
"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?" Paul Merton.
"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that." Steve Martin.
"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own." Les Dawson.
"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..." Steven Wright (...more Steven Wright Quotes).
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down." George Burns.
"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with." Marty Feldman.
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture." Robin Williams.
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" Steven Wright (...more Steven Wright Quotes). "For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off." Johnny Carson.
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' " Charlie Brown.
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." David Letterman.
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches." Jim Carrey.
"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps." Emo Philips (...more Emo Philips Quotes).
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." d**k Cavett.
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." Dave Edison.
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." Sue Murphy.
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." Jerry Seinfeld.
"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree." Spike Milligan (...more Spike Milligan Quotes). "Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff." Steven Wright (...more Steven Wright Quotes).
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die." Mel Brooks.
"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet." Henry Youngman.
"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper." Emo Philips (...more Emo Philips Quotes).
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time." Steven Wright (...more Steven Wright Quotes).
"I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb." Freddie Starr.
"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven." Spike Milligan (...more Spike Milligan Quotes).
"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden." Eric Morecambe.
"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest." Rowan Atkinson.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps." Emo Philips (...more Emo Philips Quotes). "Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." Douglas Adams.
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." Rita Mae Brown.
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." George Gobol.
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." WC Fields.
"There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all." Robert Orben.
"Not only is life a b***h, it has puppies." Adrienne Gusoff.
"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police." Jeff Marder.
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." d**k Cavett.
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." Dave Edison.
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." Sue Murphy. "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." Jerry Seinfeld.
"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label" Mark Twain (...more Mark Twain Quotes).
"An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex." Edgar Wallace.
"A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth." Patrick Murray.
"This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two." George Burns.
"I like children - fried." W.C. Fields.
"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." Sacha Guitry.
"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers." Daniel J. Boorstin.
"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree." Spike Milligan (...more Spike Milligan Quotes).
If bullshit was music, that fellow would be a brass band." Paddy Crosbie. "The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet." Oliver Herford.
"All are lunatics, but he who can analyse his delusions is called a philosopher" Ambrose Bierce.
"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff." Steven Wright (...more Steven Wright Quotes).
"You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." Al Capone.
"I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out." Rodney Dangerfield.
"Sarah Brightman couldn't act scared on the New York subway at 4 o'clock in the morning." Joel Segal.
"The most hazardous part of our expedition to Africa was crossing Piccadilly Circus." Joseph Thomson.
"No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas." Ashleigh Brilliant.
"Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent." R.D. Laing.
I rob banks because that's where the money is." Willie Sutton. "A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you." B.L. Taylor.
"Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me." G.W. Hegel.
"Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera." James Stephens.
"To write a diary every day is like returning to one's own vomit." Enoch Powell.
"It's not enough to succeed. Others must fail." Gore Vidal.
"If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow." John Wayne.
"You cannot have everything. I mean, where would you put it?" Steven Wright (...more Steven Wright Quotes).
"The trouble with children is that they're not returnable." Quentin Crisp.
"Where there is no patrol car, there is no speed limit." Peter Beckmann.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."
"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."
"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."
"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."
"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them."
"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
"People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi."
"You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back."
"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."
"I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"
"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."
"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."
"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."
"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."
"I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them."
"I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something..."
"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil."
"People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas..."
"I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."
"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."
"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My n****e was getting quite soggy."
"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."
"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
"I'm a great lover, I'll bet."
A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstein but with the attention span of Daffy Duck." Tom Shales talking about Robin Williams "When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in." Bob Hope talking about Jack Benny
"Martin's acting is so inept that even his impersonation of a lush seems unconvincing." Harry Medved on Dean Martin
"Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress." Joan Rivers
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." WC Fields.
"He moves like a parody between a majorette girl and Fred Astaire." Truman Capote on Mick Jagger
"Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper." Rex Reed talking about Marlon Brando
"Spielberg isn't a filmmaker, he's a confectioner." Alex Cox on Steven Spielberg
"What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?" Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel
"It's like kissing Hitler." Tony Curtis talking about Marilyn Monroe
She was good at being inarticulately abstracted for the same reason that midgets are good at being short." Clive James talking about Marilyn Monroe "I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was - an Arctic region covered with ice." Steve Martin
"A plumber's idea of cleopatra." W. C. Fields talking about Mae West
"I couldn't stand Janis Joplin's voice. . .She was just a screaming little loudmouthed chick." Arthur Lee on Janis Joplin
"A hack writer who would have been considered fourth rate in Europe, who tried out a few of the old proven 'sure-fire' literary skeletons with sufficient local color to intrigue the superficial and the lazy." William Faulkner on Mark Twain
"Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way?" Freddie Mercury on Billy Idol
"I knew right away that Rock Hudson was gay when he did not fall in love with me" Gina Lollogrigida on Rock Hudson
"If pople don't sit at Chaplin's feet, he goes out and stands where they are sitting." Herman J. Mankiewicz
"The biggest no-talent I ever worked with." Paul Cohen on Buddy Holly
"The stupid person's idea of a clever person." Elizabeth Bowen on Aldous Huxley
-nasu ariki- · Sat Jan 06, 2007 @ 11:12pm · 0 Comments |
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