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I've been thinking a lot lately.
I've been thinking about what I was taught and I've been reading the Bible a lot. And, sad to say, the demon makes sense. If God didn't give the angels free will, then how did Satan ever even get the idea to rebel in the first place? And why didn't God just poof him away if he was upset? It seems odd, almost like he WANTS people to rebel. We can think for ourselves, and yet he keeps throwing s**t into our paths.
I know I'm already going to hell, not just for what I've done, but because of the sins of someone from so long ago, people aren't even sure if he's real. Maybe God really does need to see that we're not going to take it anymore, right?
There are a lot of other things I've been thinking about, but I'm a bit too scared to put them on paper just yet.
Tell's been even quieter than before. Well, he had been, I mean. He's gone into torpor, I don't know for how long. We talked for a while about how tired he was and how difficult it had become to control himself. He asked me not leave him and I won't. But I'm not just going to sit around the haven, watching him sleep and waiting forever, without doing anything else. I know he'll understand, even if he doesn't understand what I'm doing.
-D
 Duessa · Wed Jul 19, 2006 @ 06:09am · 0 Comments |
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More bad news. What more would you expect from me?
A few weeks ago, Ashley Styge told me about Tell sliding down the wasale/wasail/wassail - however it's spelled. He told me Tell is dying and that he would be getting more and more violent as he succombed to the beast. I didn't want to believe him, but Tell really has been getting meaner and more violent. He kills, I've seen him do it. And he isn't sorry at all. It's scary. But he had never attacked me, not until last night. The look in his eyes. He just wasn't himself. I don't know if there's anyway to help him now.
He came back last night, right before morning, but I don't think he was concious of it. I staked him, just in case. He's in torpor now, but I don't know what to do now.
If he has to die, I hope he takes me with him.
I probably wouldn't be able to live very long without his help, anyway. Not that I'd want to.
Duessa · Tue Oct 18, 2005 @ 04:12am · 0 Comments |
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Today's my 18th birthday. Woopee.
Or at least, it WOULD have been.
It's not fair. I've been looking forward to this day for years and years. The day that I would finally be an adult. I'd finally be free from that b***h of a mother and I'd finally be legal. But no. I'm stuck like this forever. I hate it.
I found out two days ago how much holy water hurts things like me. My hands were burned horribly. But I got rid of Fred. I'm glad to be rid of that demon. Like it isn't bad enough being damned.
It's been a whole years since I was changed. I still haven't gotten over it or gotten used to it. I actually like the taste of blood now, though. That scares the hell out of me. I've been being careful. I don't want to kill anyone ever again. I don't want to be a murderer. I know that I already am, but at least I can try and stop from becoming a monster.
I'm making a new outfit for the next gallery opening. I've decided not to stop going to those. The priest won't talk. Going to those parties are my only chance to at least pretend to be normal. I like talking to Jessica. I didn't tell her about my birthday. The last thing I want is for her to start thinking about visiting my "dad's" place.
-D
Duessa · Wed Sep 14, 2005 @ 04:42am · 0 Comments |
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I don't remember it. I was feeding from this guy from a nightclub. He was a little drunk, which is sort of why I fed from him. I don't remember much after that. I went to the Vampire Bar. Tell met me there. He told me to be more careful with what I do with dead bodies. I don't remember killing him. I didn't mean to! What scares me more is how calm everyone around me took it. I just kept quiet. They always get mad at me, or worse, tease me, everytime I make a fuss about something like this. I can't forget or forgive myself as easily as they seem to be able to.
This guy named Conri, a Garou, brought Cliff to the bar. He's still stuck as a wolf, acting like a wild wolf, except that his fur is metallic. He tried to bite Aoi. The idiot hit him, so he tried to bite her again. I made a ball out of a shadow, like I do for Sinatra. It worked and everyone kept telling me how good with animals. I guess I never realized it before. I just usually hang out with cats or dogs more than people. At least with animals, I know for sure that they're using me, but only for food. Anyways, Cliff let me pet him, he even licked my hand. That part was really weird. His fur is amazingly soft. He was like a really big puppy. I hope he gets better soon.
Tell's been acting strange, I don't know why.
-D
Duessa · Sun Aug 07, 2005 @ 03:36am · 0 Comments |
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It's not fair! All I want is to have maybe just a little while where things are normal, where I can understand everything. I hate this. Sometimes I just want to wait for sunrise and just see what happens after that, but I'm scared of hell.
Bryce found me in the bar last night. He explained to me, or tried to explain that he's not a ghost, but he's not exactly alive. He's not a vampire, but now he's something like an angel, almost. I thought it was just nice having him back. But then I showed him that stuffed cat. He says it's a demon. A demon bound to ME and he has a great urge to cleanse it or something, destroy it. That'd be nice, but he says he can't destroy it without destroying me too. He said he wishes I had never shown him that stuffed animal and he started backing up. That means I'll never see him unless he wants to come after me and destroy me. I don't see why he shouldn't. He's the good guy now. I'm just a vampire. He's already tried and maybe even succeeded in killing Sesh. I don't know.
I'm living with Tell again. He gave me canvases and paint, so I think I'm going to go paint something fast and violent before I put another hole in the wall. Thank God Tell was nice to me.
-D
Duessa · Wed Aug 03, 2005 @ 09:56pm · 0 Comments |
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Last night was interesting. And painful.
I went to the bar, because, let's face it, I have nothing better to do. I've given up on going back to the haven so that Tell can have it. It's obvious he wants nothing to do with me, probably because I'm moody and I have a lot of questions and I'm inexperienced and, oh yes, let's not forget <u>crazy</u>. I've taken Frankie with me so that he doesn't have to worry about feeding him, since apparently he doesn't trust me to do even that right.
But anyway, back to last night. I was just sitting there, or rather, I had been arguing with Gwen, who decided it was first alright to poke me with a tentacle-looking thing then insult my courage. Then these three people came in. All blonde and all wearing some heavy-duty blades and fighting s**t. The leader told us that a temple of Setites were all killed and he wanted information about it. I was worried about Sesh, but hopefully, he wasn't in there, whatever it is a temple is, anyway.
David had to act all tough-s**t as usual, so the man decided to show that he wasn't someone to mess with. He apparently can shape light like we can shadow. I know now that he was only trying to scare David, but apparently, being a Lasombra means it doesn't matter how thin the ray of sunlight (I'm assuming it was sunlight), you still get burned. It hurt so bad! I'm still seeing spots, too. What a wonderful night to forget my shades.
David didn't care, but apparently it woke up Aoi. I'm still trying to figure out why she had a feeding tube in her mouth. I thought she was a vampire?
Anyways, the dude, I can't remember his name, it was Lord K - something, told me he was sorry - that he didn't mean to hurt me. He made this little dark sheild around me, which was nice, but I still didn't trust the woman enough to let her use some kind of magic on me.
We didn't have any information, but before he left, Lord K told me to be real still because there was something he wanted to do. He made another flash of light to burn David and Aoi, but luckily I was still protected. David didn't really make a fuss, so I guess burning skin doesn't hurt all vampires. Aoi screamed, but I'm still not sure if she is a vampire or something that's just kind of like a vampire.
I don't like to admit it, but I miss Tell. I'm worried about him. Ken said Cliff is acting weird and attacking people. If he's attacking humans, then he really isn't going to think twice about attacking a Cainite.
And what if Sesh killed him? What if he killed Sesh? Why were he and Bryce after Sesh, anyway? Was that really Bryce?
~D
Duessa · Wed Jul 27, 2005 @ 07:13pm · 0 Comments |
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That a*****e! I should have known he would act this way! And really, it's all this stupid cat toy's fault. It's ******** alive and now no one will believe me since the thing has gone into some kind of forced torpor. I'M NOT CRAZY!
I'm not going back. I'm so sick of him treating me like a helpless little baby vamp and THEN thinking I've gone nuts!! Like weird things never happened to him.
Maybe he'll just find another helpless new vamp to take care of and will FORGET. ME.
-D
Duessa · Wed Jul 06, 2005 @ 03:10am · 0 Comments |
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Things just seem to get freakier and freakier around here. A few days ago, while Tell and I were sleeping, I heard someone coughing then going through my stuff. I grabbed a gun and went go find out who it was, but the only thing I found was this little white stuffed cat that Tell had found like a couple weeks ago. The weird thing is, there was one of my cigerettes in its paw. I carry the toy back to bed when it started squirming then pretty much hacking up its cotton lungs in my arms! Of course, I drop it, fall over, all those stupid things that happen. I fell on top of Tell, who wrapped his arms around my leg and went on sleeping. I hope I never actually NEED him when I scream!! The ******** cat toy ran away and Sintra was too scared of it or something. I just wanted Tell to either let me go or wake the hell up, so I whacked him over the head. I didn't know I was developing Potence. I really didn't mean to hurt Tell and I definately didn't mean to make him go into torpor. I'm just glad he's okay AND not mad at me. He says we have to talk to the Malks about this cat thing, but he still won't believe that Ashley Styge is the reason I've become a human moth. Okay, not human, but whatever.
I hope this Potence thing comes in some use later. I wouldn't mind kicking the s**t out of a few people.
-D
Duessa · Fri Jun 24, 2005 @ 04:14am · 0 Comments |
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A couple nights ago, I went to the Vampire Bar out of boredom. Let's face it, I don't have much to do lately. When I got there, of all weird things in there, there was a human. I wouldn't say she's stupid, she just didn't know better. She thought it was some nerdy club where people pretend to be vampires and werewolves. I think not.
I don't know why everyone was so hard on the girl. Maybe they've forgotten that, once upon time, we were all ignorant and definately not these freaky things we are now. There was a spider lady there - I didn't even know there were things like that. She was scary-looking. The small scattering spiders crawling all over the place was just gross.
Anyways, I helped that girl out a bit, but I bet if Tell had been there, he'd have teased and scared her just as much as everyone else.
-D
Duessa · Mon Jun 06, 2005 @ 10:04pm · 0 Comments |
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