About a year ago, my lil brother (who's was in 10th grade) had an assignment to do a 20 page short story (double-spaced) based off anything. His grading wouldn't be about substance, only grammarical errors and sentence structures.
He's a procrastinator, much like myself, and put it off until the night before. Begging and pleading he asked me to write his story for him and hearing that I had complete liberty to do whatever I please how could I resist.
This is how the WORST short story on the face of the planet was made.
Until now, this paper has only been read by three eyes: Me, my brother, and his english teacher who has not been SEEN since reading this.
For those who dare to tempt fate and look studpidity directly in the eyes, read on. But, for fair warning, don't except to come out of this the same way ever again..
Disclaimer: For those of you taking this seriously, please stop reading. It's suppose to be fun based of it's complete randomness and lack of any structure whatsoever.
So, without further adieu, I give you..
Skippy Dean and Midnight Shuffle
Wet Floor Signs Aren’t a Luxury
Prologue
“Oh my god, this can’t be. Oh god! Why! It hurts! I’ve never felt sure pain. Oh the humanity!”
“Sir, do I have to get security?”
Jake stared at the cashier blankly for a moment, contemplating her words. His gaze then moved around the small shop he had come to know as the wallet drainer, or to other’s the college book shop. He had decided to pick up his book for the upcoming semester and the total was just outrageous, hence the giant scene he had just created. By the looks he was given by other students in line for the registers you’d think he had just dropped his pants and began screaming about how the Furbies were going to invade our microwave ovens.
“Oh, ha,” he replied sheepishly as his view turned back upon the cashier, she was definitely not impressed. “No need for that, do you take cards?” As the young lad held out his card to the glaring retailer she snatched it up in the blink of an eye and ran it through the machine. After signing the small receipt, Jake grabbed his books and made his way towards the exit of the establishment.
“Stupid publishers,” he muttered as he looked down at carpeted floor and his scuffling feet. “I’d rather give up my arm then to pay these outrageous prices. Well, maybe. On one hand the chicks like two arms on guys, but on the other I could pull off a pretty convincing Vietnam impersonator for loose change. But, if I was missing an arm I wouldn’t have two hands to contemplate pros and cons. So which decision is accurate and which one doesn’t exist.”
Just then Jake’s books flew from his arm as he ran into an unknown object.
“Charlie wouldn’t put up with this,” he said with a puzzled look on his face.
“Well tell Charlie to piss off because he hasn’t had some gooned out crazy walk into him lately I’d assume.”
Jake looked up to see Kristen, a girl he had admired from afar, and up close too with his awesome telescope goggle he had purchased last spring.
“Sorry Kirsten,” he said as he helped her gather her things and his as well. “Nam flashbacks aren’t cool, or are they?” He looked at her with a cheesy grin and she all she could do was laugh.
“Oh Jake, you’re so crazy,” she replied as she giggled. “Let’s get coffee and you can tell be about Charlie.”
“Oh boy,” Jake said with a chuckle as he gave Kristen an all-American grin to lead the government away from his communist record, “that’d be mighty swell!”
So the two skipped off into the sunset in search of coffee, good times, and Weapons of Mass Destruction.
Chapter 9
Jake was grunting with great pleasure as sweat slid down his brow. Up and down he went, he was the man, no one could tell him otherwise. His muscles ached as he continued to press against him, it was the only love he needed in the crazy world and it felt so gratifying.
“Jake,” his partner said softly. “You’re a god.”
“I know,” Jake replied with another grunt as he thrusted himself up once again. “Never leave me.”
“You know I can’t, not in the state your in. No matter how many push-ups and reps you do on that old workout mat it will never bring Suzie back!”
“Never say that! Never!“ Jake jumped to his feet, interrupting his workout and looked at his drill partner who stood in the doorway. His footsteps echoing atop the cold empty floor of the barracks. “She was my only love, except for the Army, and my cabbage patch doll but you promised you wouldn’t speak of that! How could you bring something like that up you insensitive pig! Don‘t you insult Mr. T either,” the recruit scream as he rolled up his workout mat and stroked it aimlessly. “He didn’t do anything to you.”
Just as Billy Ray was about to retaliate with a momma joke that was totally out of taste, the army base’s sirens went off to the boy‘s surprise. Rushing out of the barracks, the two men joined the rest of their squad who looked on in confusion.
“What’s going on,” Jake exclaimed as his gazed darted about like drunken yeti watching a ping pong tournament.
“What are we going to do,” another officer yelled out in confusion while another lit a horse on fire and whistled Dixie.
“Where are my pants,” Billy Ray asked as he scratched his head, oh how he hated drafts.
Just then a large whistle was heard much like a over-heated kettle or an over-eager NASCAR fan when the nacho guy passes.
“Oh my gonads,” Jake said dramatically. He had watched enough cartoon to know when a whistle could be heard from over head it only meant one thing- Caesar had came back to life and enlisted the help of several red-throated whistles, the most deadly cranes from Uganda. What? Oh, that’s not what the next line is suppose to be. Oh, I see. Ahem, I mean, it could only mean one thing- it was a nuclear attack!
Chapter 23
The nombies were close behind on Jack’s tail but he refused to give in. He has wasted to much time to use a cheat code and the hidden level wouldn’t show itself if he did. But that was the least of his worries, he had mutated monsters chasing him.
“Take cover,” Jake exclaimed ran with great speed across the vacant post-apocalyptic wasteland.
Nana-J and Joshy Jones were lagging behind ever since the caslare attack took off Joshy’s third leg. Nana-J had to carry Joshy in his stump-like arm; not from the nombies, he had a bad run in with a circus monkey back in the day. Both tried to find a safe haven from the decaying monsters which were in hot pursuit of the two.
“Get behind those trees, come on.” Jack told his platoon on 2-disc special edition Blu-Ray DVD.
Jake found an old abandoned pineapple tree and took cover under a blanket. The nombies were slowly approaching his position while Nana-J and Joshy Jones took cover besides a hilly hill. The three men waited from there positions quietly and ever vigilant to the dangers around them. Pinned down against the tree, things looked hopeless for Jake and his radical companions as well as the fall line up for NBC. However, he remembered the nombies one weakness, bullets.
Jake got up and aimed his gun, “This is for ruining the Sixth Since,” he shouted with get vigor.
“Oh what a play. Look right here Bob he spelled ‘sense’ wrong to avoid a copyright infringement.”
“And Tom, I haven’t seen a save as great as this one since the 1965 Blanski case.”
The noise bellowed out of his gun and the bullets sprayed out killing all the nombies. Jake sat there looking at the 152 nombies that laid on the ground motionless.
“Wow,” Nana-J said as he and Johnny look up over the hill, “how’d you do that?”
“Easy,” Jake replied with a fantastic smile. “I am the hero.”
“Yeah.” Joshy said in a daze, deep within Jake’s gaze.
So the three continued on the yellow brick road to see the wizard and get what they needed.. I mean go save the princess.. No, how about go save the world. Yeah that’s a good one. Now they have to go save the world. Yep, that should drag this out longer.
Chapter 29
Chasing the crew with great speed down in a field, the crazed aliens used their Fast Acting Reactant Tazar or F.A.R.T.. Seeing the danger and deadly toxic emissions on the weaponry, Jake had to find somewhere to hide or the F.A.R.T. fumes would kill him for sure. Truly what he needed to find was an old nuclear shelter from the 1960’s or it was all over for him, and no one what‘ the hero to die this earlier on.
Luckily, Jake saw a V.W. van and knew that these vile contraptions can withstand the dread smell of the hippie populace, the lad knew that he could take cover within safely. The F.A.R.T. was getting ready to fire so with immense speed and grace Jake leapt into the van and slammed the door behind him just as the F.A.R.T. left the smelly hole from which it was fired. Seriously, this is no laughing matter, F.A.R.T.s are nothing to joke around about or to be take lightly in the least.
His strategy worked flawlessly, except for the millions of orphans that were fire, and he lived to fight another day. But just as he thought everything was alright he opened up the door to see a blue creature and Jake knew instantly that it was an alien. With speed, the macho man drew his weapon and aimed it straight at his foe, fear in his hazel eyes and a really odd and smelly present in his trousers.
“We don’t want to cause you harm hu-mun,” the odd looking creature said as the words left it‘s distorted maw. It’s eyes glimmered within the sun light and for a moment Jake thought he was at the beach with his sweetie from salsa dance academy. Oh how he missed though carefree days and afternoon delights. Ice cream always rules. Never the less, his shook his head and spoke to the alien in front of him.
“What are you?” Jake demanded, his gun still holding fast on the otherworldly monster that rested before him.
“We are the Johntins,” the creature replied, “an alien group that has been fighting the alien race that has invaded your planet for eons. We want to crush them as much as you do if not more. This I can promise you, for we are allies in this war”
“So you’re on my side?” Jake raised his brow, still unsure of the aliens motives.
“You have that correct Hu-mun.” The creature then bowed slightly to the man. “Now, come,” he continued as he motioned for the man to exit his smelly hippie haven. “Let us discuses our plans aboard our lead ship.”
“I thought aliens called it a mother ship,” John said as he lower his weapon and placed it away.
“Why would we call our number one battleship a mother ship,” the alien questioned as he furrowed his brow. “That sounds like we are pansy aliens.”
“Wow, I never thought of that,” Jake replied scratching his head. “I guess you’re right admiral Usher.”
So Jake left the beat up wagon and followed the aliens to ship. When they arrived the two then went aboard in slow motion. Why? Because slow motion is way cooler then beating up P.E.T.A. activists.
“Why did he call you admiral Usher,” one alien asked the commanding official aboard the vessel.
“I don’t know,” the ambassador said as the door closed behind the two. “Maybe because I didn’t get around to telling him my name was actually Admiral Adsasmfnuschkist.”
Chapter 36
Looking out into the deep abyss of the sea, Jake ponder his next move. He then looked over his shoulder to the weeping widow who had just lost he husband of sixteen minutes.
“Are you alright,” our hero asked, his eyes full of sympathy towards the brown-head lady behind him.
“Well, it’s been so hard,” she explained, her tear falling to the ground forming a puddle at her feet.
“Oh well, that’s good,” Jake replied as he walked away. However, he glanced back over his shoulder and gave the widow a sympathetic glance. “Oh,” he began softly. The widow listened intently as he continued. “Remember to alert the janitor. That puddle of stupid tears needs a wet floor sign. That crap is dangerous. Seriously, I lost my mother to it. I swear to god, I’ll kill you if anything happens to Fasto, because you know, he‘s fast and O.”
With that, Jake lit his cigarette and then put it out dramatically for effect. He really wanted to his point across in a really cool way. Take up smoking kids, it makes you cool, like Jake.
Jake then began running, running for his life which wasn’t in danger for once, he just felt like running. He soon came to captain’s quarters and laid in a manger, because there was no room for him in the inn.
“Jake,” the captain yelled, “get out of my manger! I have six easy installments left and I don’t want your F.A.R.T. smelling hippie loving posterior all over the fresh hay. Plus my wife Betty wouldn‘t like it.”
“Sir,” Jake began, “Betty’s just a cow.”
“Don’t insult my wife,” the captain screamed once more, his pipe falling to the ground and parrot dying. “Just because she’s overweigh doesn’t make her a cow.”
“Moo,” Betty said nonchalantly from the corner.
“I know dear,” the captain retorted and stroked her nostrils, “we’ll cuddle later.”
Shaking off the captain’s words and the mashed hay from his butt, Jake began to speak to ship’s crazed leader on the subject of what he really came to ask him.
“Sir,” he began, “why are we hear exactly? I mean on the sea. All ports are overrun with aliens all over the globe. Well, except for France, and no one likes France.”
“Arrg,” the captain said with distain, however he soon put his retainer back in to be understood better. “Sorry, I meant to say, we’re under Signs rules.”
“Sign rules sir,” Jake asked, a confused look upon his perfectly chiseled face.
“You don’t know what Signs rule is my boy,” the old man questioned. “Alas, the public school system fails again.” With a sigh he continued on. “Water you idiot. Signs rules dictate that no alien likes water, hence us being surrounded by the ocean. Damn kids and their e-pods and hippie hoop music. Get off my lawn!”
“Who the heck came up with this stupid rule,” Jake said as he crossed his arms, adding to his bad apple motif with a heart of gold he’s been going with this whole story.
“M. Night Shalamadamadingdongdodewydecimalsystemcat,” the captain replied.
“Oh Salle! Will you look at the that. He once again misspelled the appropriate director and writer’s name wrong to once again evade copyright infringement! Did you see that!?”
“Yes I did Cory, it was beautifully executed. I mean you had the original movie with the aliens and the water and the ’swing away Meryl.’ Then you have the court system over here and as you can see by the drawing I just made the name goes nowhere near the lawyer’s dean. This causing one lawyer to go without hot water or life for a year but still a brilliant play.”
“Salle, that’s not a doodle, it’s you mother’s undergarments. Furthermore, I‘m not Cory, I‘m a ghost of the Kristen girl in the first act and a very odd figment of your imagination.”
Just then a scream could be heard from the janitor’s quarters. He had been killed with a tire iron. Oh yes, and a baby was born from the widow, she had cheated on her husband.
Chapter 41
Waking up in daze, Jake staggered to his feet, he was wet and not in the good way when you usually wake up. All he could remember was a giant sea monster had attacked their vessel and the captain was dead. Not really by the sea monster, that man just didn’t know how to shut his mouth. Shifty-eyed, Jake recovered and began walking the beaches of France, god how he hated France even though they had tasty croissants.
Looking around he was less cautious because no one liked France even aliens, so Jake found his dead friend on shore.
“Damnit,” he replied with a grimace, “I told that skanky widow to put up a wet floor sign. See! Do you see?! This is what happens when you screw around!” However, the moment was short lived and he soon used his fellow dead cast mates as fodder to build a raft. It was made of poor engineered dental floss and human remains, the minty extract of the floss counterbalanced the smell of rotting flesh, it’d make a dentist proud.
Finding an open canal, Jake placed his human raft upon it and rode it right into the capital of France, Berlin. Once there, to Jake’s surprise it wasn’t Berlin, it was Paris. Also, many men and woman began surrounding his raft, malice on their faces.
“My god,” one of them proclaimed as he looked at the raft and it’s contents. He paused for a moment before looking at Jake. “No one put up the wet floor sign did they?”
“Exactly,” Jake replied throwing his arms into the air. “When will people learn.”
“I hear that,” the stranger said with a laugh. “I was just telling my wife, Karen, that you can’t be to careful. I mean wet floors are nothing to joke around about. You know?”
“Totally,” Jake said with a laugh.
“Agree,” Jason said, staring at Jake.
“Of course,” Jake answered, then a long pause ensued just to make things awkward for them both, and the enormous pink elephant dinking cocktails in the corner.
“Anyway,” the stranger continued. “I am Jason, leader of the alien resistance group. Are you with us brother?” He then extended his hand to the Jake, hoping that he’d take it. Not only would he like to have another resistance member but he just needed to be held for just moment.
Jake pondered the man’s offer for a moment before grasping his hand. However he did find it strange that the man grinned awkwardly afterwards.
“Uh yes,” he replied with a puzzled look upon his face. “I’d like to be a little teapot, I mean, a resistance member.”
“Good, then it’s settled,” Jason replied as he hoisted Jake up to the banks. The two then began to walk around the base which was conveniently located two feet away.
“Wow, that was convenient,” Jake replied with a smile as well as a laugh for good measure.
“Indeed,” the commander replied as he held open the tent flap to let the man inside. “Here is our home base, our well oiled cog of justice. We work here day in and day out to save people around the globe, destroy the aliens, and combat the gum disease known as gingivitis.”
“I see,” Jake said as he looked around the tent. It was quite in disarray to many people’s taste however after an apocalyptic war between planets one would have to be pretty shallow to judge it on appearance. “This place is crappy,” Jake continued.
“Uh, well,” Jason said, brushing off Jake’s hurtful words and holding back tears. There would never be need for a wet floor sign. Never, especially since Korea. “Anyway,” he continued, “let’s get you acquainted with other members shall we?” The two then walked deeper into the tent and stopped at a young man upon a cot, his back to them. “This here is Derek, our ambassador and spokesperson.”
Derek then swung around to show his face which had been ravaged, not by plagues but by hungry, hungry hippos.
“Unfortunately,” Jason continued, “he has lost his ability to speak. Moving on.” The two then continued onward into the tent to a lass who was shaking badly. Jake was confused because if wasn’t cold, or was it?
“This is Anne,” Jason began again as he continued with the tour. “She’s out communication specialist.”
Eyeing the girl oddly, Jake gave her a small wave that would make even Shamoo jealous.
“Salle! Incredible! Another typo diversion! This kid’s on fire with the copyright bypasses.”
“I agree Cory, now you see, this is where it’s his time to shine and man he does I’ll tell you what!”
“Who the hell are you guys,” Jake asked as he looked at the two men in the corner who had been following him his whole trip. “I mean seriously guys, what the hell?”
“Oh no, he’s seen our true form,” the men exclaimed before bursting into flames.
“This is a sad day in baseball,” one said as he fell to his knees and vomited chocolate syrup.
“Football, Football, Football!” The other rolled around frantically and began changing colors and reciting the Magna Carta.
However, the moment was short-lived and the two were soon eaten by the hungry, hungry hippo in the corner. Derek just laugh inside, because he couldn‘t do anything else. Get it, he’s deformed.
“Anyway,” Jake said as he turned away from the gross yet arousing spectacle and looked to Anne. “It’s nice meeting you Anne, what are you working on?”
In horror, Anne just looked on at Jake for a good two minutes. Her gaze never faltering she held up two aluminum cans and a string between them.
“This,” she muttered as her eyes widened. “It will let us talk to Mars so that we can regain the candy bar our forefathers lost in the war of galactic star five.”
Hearing Anne’s words, Jake looked around once more at the compound. His eyes widened in shock; from all reaches he realized something that something wasn’t right, not when no one mentioned that he was wearing Billy Ray’s pants.
“My god,” he proclaimed. “I get what’s going on here.” Jake throw a table and hit poor Derek. In retrospect though it was probably for the best. I mean the kid was going anywhere. His face was like rawhide and even the wolves wouldn’t take him. That’s no way to live. I know if a wolf wouldn’t take me I’d be pretty depressed and want my life to be ended by a stranger throwing a table at me.
“As I was saying,” Jake continued, “I know what’s going on here! You’re all throwing me a birthday party aren’t you.”
“How did you know,” Jason replied holding out a balloon. It wasn’t really a balloon though, it was a steering wheel and Jake was driving it. What the hell his cake was that spilt on his lap.
“Oh,” Jake said depressively, “Billy Ray isn’t going to want these back now. Unless he likes cake in liquid form, and yellow.”
So, onward the crowd of resistance people went, through Europe and driving in their V.W. Van since it could withstand the F.A.R.T.s. Onward they went, crossing the Rubicon, scaling the Alps, running over werewolf Hitler and saving a cat from a tree. Soon though, the trip was over and someone needed to develop the vacation photos, but sadly there was no camera corner. It’s ok though, because there wasn’t a camera either.
“There,” Jake said as he exited the vehicle. “Russia, Motherland. Let’s get ready to rumble.”
With their slingshots loaded, guns cocked, and knickers in a twist, our heroes ventured onwards into the fields were the most epic of battles would be fought. If this would ever be documented in something like a paper or manuscript, it’d be legendary. I mean, there are millions of aliens and tons of humans. They know kung-fu and some have dragons. Legendary.
So here we go, into battle.
Chapter 52
“That was epic,” Jake muttered as he exhaled heavily. The battle was almost over. He was the last human standing and had used up all his shields, well comrades in the process.
“Seriously,” he continued to himself, “I can’t believe I did that. Then that thing went off and they all did that thing. Wow, just wow. I am god.”
Around the shattered shell of a man which laid an oddly confused otter was a vapid wasteland of sorts. The fields were nothing more then dust that blew around upon the horizon. Bones and bodies scattered through the plain, their stench incredible and their wallets now emptied; Jake couldn’t wait to by that gold-plated Dalmatian he had always dreamed of. The vivid lush landscape of snow was now just an empty dust bowl, the sun red for some reason, probably because it sets the mood.
“Huh?” Jake looked out once again to see a solemn figure on the horizon. He laughed, it was a small little thing, he could crush it with his fingertips if he wanted too. However, the figure moved closer, and closer and soon his fingertips would not longer do the job.
“Curse you Physics and all that other scientific mojo Jesus warned us of in the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Globe,” Jake exclaimed. “Why didn’t you give it that award that all the book fair books had on them!”
“Pipe down mortal,” the alien said as he stopped a few meters before Jake. The alien was bright red and had horns like that of the largest bull, even a cowboy wouldn’t dare ride, and they’re cowboys. He was awkward, like most aliens, but who the hell thought we were so great. I mean elbows, what the hell are those?
“I’ll speak when I want,” he replied, “because I have the right. The Beastie Boys gave it to me and you will not take away my porno mag!”
“What is this Beast and why does he pour on this mag you speak of,” the alien warlord asked.
“Your mom,” Jake replied with a smug grin. Oh yes, he went there, and he liked it.
“Don’t be player hating,” the warlord replied. “I’ve been representing for years that I’ve been blasting you momma through the cosmos. I get her tail faster then Hale’s Comet, went up on Uranus, and my trigger is so hung large it was what made Pluto inferior to be kick out of planet status.”
Jake just stood there in awe and disbelief, the alien‘s words were well executed and hit right where it counts, once the warlord’s hand slapped him upside the face.
“Ouch,” Jake said as he recovered, “but I’m yuppie, I know how to take a hit.”
With that the two paired off, ready to face one another. Another epic battle was brewing on the horizon. If you missed the last one I feel so sorry for you but this will redeem it. It shall be so righteous the heaven will part and the sea with sparkle with flakes of hope and wonder.
So there they stood: Jake, the warlord, and the a line up of pretty girl. But only one of them will continue on to become America’s Next Top Model.
Chapter 61
The damage had been done. Gathering around the crowd just couldn’t believe what had happened. Alas, it was futile, all the king’s horse and all the king’s men couldn’t put humpty dumpty back together again. Unfortunately for Jake it was the same sad story, except he couldn’t be fired and served to orphans the next day without felony charges in place. However, Jake wasn’t dead so that’s a whole other story.
Arising from the ashes, Jake made his way to the highest mountain. He had done it, he had overcome everything. He had slain aliens, avenged the fallen, and informed other of the dangers of wet floors. He was a hero and no one could take that away, except for a vengeful god or former lover but that wouldn’t happen, Jake only liked cupcakes. As he scaled the mountain, he thought about his journey and what he’s overcome. He was proud, and god knows that so he made Jake once again spill imaginary birthday cake in his pants.
“Man,” Jake said with a sigh, “Billy Ray really won’t want these back now, at least I hope not. That‘d just be weird.”
As he reached the top Jake looked into the red sun and smile victoriously. He had done the impossible, and possible, and was still confused to his hand conundrum. However, he pushed the thoughts aside and screamed out into the heavens.
“Know this,” he proclaimed with gusto, because strength just wasn’t a cool enough adjective to describe his might at the time. “I am Jake, hero of earth, and no man or alien will take that away from me.”
As he spoke the vapid wasteland of sand began to mutate. Apparently alien blood and nuclear fission don’t go together so well for the earth’s environment. Soon, little buds were growing every which way and the earth was evolving rapidly.
“What the,” Jake said as he watched the plants grow into shrubs and then into lions, but they were eaten by more shrubs. “How can this be,” he questioned for dramatic effect.
The shrubs then formed into trees, trees that were so great and so evil even Paul Bunnoy wouldn’t cut them down, and he was like seventy feet tall or something.
“Ha,” Jake said with a small laugh. “Plant’s can’t kill me. I kill plants, with these lusciously white choppers.
However, the trees became to smart, and read this confusing novel. They began growing feet at the end of their roots, making their total feet count high. Higher feet count mean the greater the properties to kick one’s butt, or crotch if they really wanted to fight dirty.
“What,” Jake looked on in shook. “How? This isn’t possible. Why did Rosie get kicked off the View!”
With that the trees went on a rampage. They grew lasers for branches and soon took over the globe. They skinned Jake and wore his carcass in a mating dance to attract a mate. However that was short-lived, no one wanted to make out with someone who smelled like carcass, even trees. So please, hippies of America stop hugging trees, trees don’t like rotten dead people smell so how do you think they like your smelliness. Not very much I can assure you, and that‘s a fact.
So, with Jake dead and the rest of the human race, the trees thrived and found solace in the fact that no one love them. So, that is how the first Arbor day began and now we follow Zulu!
Thank you for watching our broadcast tonight and stay tuned when next week we explain where St. Patrick’s Day originated, the results are shocking. Well, unless you think it’s Ireland then maybe not, it really won‘t be shocking because you‘ll just know. Please stay tuned for an all new Ally McBeal! She’s back and saucier then ever, shame though spaghetti stains will never come out.
