last thread in here..Update:
My mom's been great putting up with my crazy-lady crying jags every odd night, but I've successfully burnt her out completely today (and have nobody to hear me whine about how empty and restricting/lonely my day-to-day life is, etc., etc.)
NOW that my top-of-the-line gastrointestinal doc. has told us how I'd be better off having my stupid intestines replaced with a bag. I'm not sure how that'd effect my tread-milling, but it couldn't hurt worse than what I do for I know it's stupid and pathetic, but it makes my body work well enough to tread-mill for another day, and that's what life is all about, so I wanna to talk to somebody.. but I don't wanna resort to calling up my peers on those "help" lines, completely ridding myself of whatever shred of self-respect I have for myself. My every minute of life is full of contradictions and both physical and mental pain that is crippling my sanity more than it has been thus far these past few long years of stupid health issues that dominate everything I do and isolate me no matter how hard I try, what I try, and how long and far I stick it out.
I lose sleep when I don't do it all perfectly and gas/thin poop gets trapped behind my unhealing large-intestine injury ("ulcer").
I spend hours every morning waiting (lying horizontally & kneading my stomach & holding in my pee) so that I MIGHT poop; if I don't do this, I will simply not poop.
I (usually over-eating due to anxiety so I almost-always gotta tread-mill even MORE hours at 4.5 MPH on 5% incline) prepare/wrap my battered feet for treading( for hours).
Then I finally get on my tread-mill, with my sleepiness, my sickliness, my lethargic/naturally-sedentary nature, my intestines trying to work while I'm on my tread-mill-- and I can't get off until I'm done or else I'll possibly hit "the wall," or at the very least waste time I could be spending tread-milling even more. I think I tread-mill more and more miles/hours so that I can eat more; I have been lately having issues with that. But I mostly worry about the day when I'm too achy to tread-mill: when will it come??
I wind up spending all my time either prepping for my tread-mill, being on my tread-mill, or healing from my tread-mill.
And if I don't tread-mill, I don't poop. I haven't tried, but it happened this way when I
When I tread more, I poop more frequently, so I know it's still effecting me the same way.
But I want to call my friend(s?), assuming they still remember me (and perhaps still might respect me after I've become THIS freak) and I want to be more productive and I want to get ready for my college entrance exams and then go into college.
I'm going to have to go off all my anti-depressants soon, which will probably make my daily hours of 4.5 MPH 5% incline tread-milling much harder and more tedious, but it must be done if we (my family & I) are to see if changes in those meds were the cause of my "sluggish intestines," rather than this "ulcer."
At the very least, you guys, if nobody talks with me, at least pray to.. I dunno, fate, for me.
I feel like a prisoner and I just want somebody to talk to now while I cry or something; my doctors, every one of them, are telling me it is all hopeless; today, I was looking forward to more than my nineteenth birthday which is in six days. I'm crying crocodile tears, but my parents are both sickly as well, my dad on heavy pain pills & my mom anemic and sick/tired. It's selfish, but every day is painfully empty, my tread-milling/intestines dominating everything I think & do, and it is so pathetic and stupid despite my trying my best. I want to spend time with other people but my parents won't get me into college until my intestines start functioning and my tread-milling is under control and somehow taking up less of my breathing time. I'm alone and trapped and I don't know what to do, now that my gastro doc. has told me it is looking hopeless. I have nobody to talk to. If I were to get my tread-milling out of the way, sacrificing the chance to poop tomorrow, it would have only earned me an hour or two extra to spend alone or pretending to be doing something that makes me happy. I'm crying now. Help. My mom says it is hurting her health to hear me saying that I have no life or will to live anymore. I try but even when I fake it I'm not happy at all.
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