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Today just sucks. It started sucking when I didn't sleep all night, over the prospect of telling someone that they couldn't be here because I have to protect my family. Now I feel like I'VE done something wrong, and even though I haven't its driving me insane. I would rather have no help at all than bring someone here who really doesn't care about me or my family. I just couldn't do it, even if this person could have gotten work, or potentially helped us get a home. In the end, I was about to bank, AGAIN, on a big fat maybe, and a complete unknown, and I had to do what I felt was right. My empathic sense was SCREAMING at me "don't do it, this is wrong, this is not what you should do." And I had to listen. Now I have to deal with yet more guilt and shame and feeling miserable because I made the choice I had to. I feel like I'm losing my mind, and I HATE it. I went from thinking things would be good, and I could be safe, to more complete disaster, and I just don't know how to DEAL. I'm TRYING, I really AM, but every time I think I have the answer all I have is more problems.

I will tell you something that you already know, but you always have to listen to your heart and your gut. If your instincts are screaming at you that something is wrong, then it is. You made absolutely the right choice, and guilt is really hard to get over, but I'd rather you feel guilt than to get hurt in the long run. Hope is a good thing, hold on to that hope even if things didn't work out this time, darling.

Oh god, my manager knows. This coworker has been an issue since we started, but I think that we're so desperate for people that we're keeping her. Who knows. Her probation is up in about 2 weeks, so we'll see what happens.

I just feel so run down, exhausted, frustrated, and like I can't scream any louder that work needs to get done! I just got my blood work done yesterday, so we'll see how I feel in about a week. I love both my jobs, and working on the weekend is great because we all work as a solid unit and stuff gets done, but I don't know if working 7 days a week is going to keep me sane for my other job with the freeloaders.

I wish I could say it was an isolated thing, but I always was when I was there. I don't say it to be petty, or squabble over things, its just simple fact. I would post when I needed help badly, and it sat unanswered for days on end.

The last day and a half have driven me half, or maybe ALL the way out of my mind. My anxiety is out of control, massively, and the trigger for it is not even something I can change. My boyfriend and one of his ex's have become best friends again. They talk from morning till night, every single day. I keep getting told nothing is going on, but that is not how it FEELS to me, not what my paranoid mind is telling me. We fight constantly over the endless parade of women that I feel jealous of for being so close to him. I haven't slept the last 2 nights because of the way my mind is tearing me apart.

I think its maybe a little of all 3, really. We have talked it over so many times, but the situation keeps coming back up, mostly because the anxiety and fear keep taking me over, and I see things happening where they are not. My fears are not ungrounded, but they still are the driving force behind a great deal of my issues.

Forgiveness takes a very great deal of strength. But even forgiveness doesn't undo psychological trauma, as I can personally attest. I have been going through something VERY similar for the last several years, just waiting for the day when I would be the only one, and I could stop being afraid and in pain. If you need someone to talk to, I AM here, and I want to help if I can. I have never found a way to recover myself, but maybe together we can find an answer.