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AstralSamurai Vice Captain
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 Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2004 6:52 pm
Under this thread will lie every PSA written and preserved. Thereunder to maintain the safety of the unwashed masses in the face of insurmountable odds against all things icky and supernatural.
A better introduction will be forthcoming... Um... Eventually.
Don't post here.
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Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2004 7:03 pm
(Though not monster related, this is the original PSA and, though it was written decades ago, it's message rings true even now...)
Public Service Announcement: Don't waste your insults!
Some person I never met and will most likely never meet again IMed me through AIM this evening (or, is it morning?). I'll refrain from posting their name as a matter of etiquette. Anyway, they began insulting me in the most dull and overused ways, which I found quite distressing.
Ever since my days in high school (you graduated this year, moron...), and even before that, I've been noticing the sad trend of using tired, ineffective slang and cuss words to 'insult' others. Oh, I'm insulted alright. insulted by all of these wasteful opportunities!
Now... I'm pretty sure there aren't too many random-insult-nitwits around here, or at least I hope not (I'm new here), so you must take it upon yourselves to inform any such people that you meet of the following information.
Creativity and originality are the keys. The f-word, and most other cuss words for the matter, just aren't effective anymore. They've been used up! Therefore, we must find new means to convey powerful distaste for a fellow creature’s pathetic, miserable existence and their affront to our lives by their mere drawing of breath...
Ahem... Anyway, I promise you that a clever, biting, unexpected, never before seen remark will be more memorable and more likely to touch some sort of nerve.
Please, if you meet a braindead cuss-word-monger on the net or in the 'Real World', do your civic duty and inform them of their terrible waste of both words that used to actually have meaning (most curses just don't cut it nowadays), and opportunities to leave a lasting impression upon their foes.
I tried to guide they poor young man I met today towards better use of verbal attacks, but he kept trying to push me away with dull 'colorful metaphors' and 'your mom' jokes, and sadly dated adjectives. He ended up blocking me (which I found odd . I was trying to educate him! It also seemed really ironic).
Use your insults well, my friends, and your peers thoughts on your cleverness shall be your reward! Spread the word! Down with lame, tired out, pathetic excuses for verbal joust!
Viva le Overly Verbose!
-Thaddeus
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Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2004 7:12 pm
(Short but sweet. These early PSAs really do lose something when you miss out on the replies that followed, but such is life, I guess...)
Public Service Announcement: Of Crosses and Vampires
Something was brought to my attention recently that, I believe, should be put out in the open to avoid any dangerous (possibly, life threatening) mistakes from taking place.
If you're like me, then you can hardly go through a day without running into some kind of undead creature. Now, I know what you're thinking.
"What's the big deal? They're just zombies, or skeletons mostly... nothing to be worried about, and even vampires have their weak points."
Well, this is true... to a point. One of the main things people use to protect themselves from vampires is a cross. If I'm referring to you, then you had better well make sure you're using the correct approach...
It is a fact: Crosses only repel vampires if you (the wielder of said cross), believe in what the cross represents. If you do not have sufficient belief, then you might as well be waving a trash can lid at them, because it will be just another piece of metal... or wood... or whatever.
It is important to note, however, that this rule does not work in any other direction. For example, if you are a demented Zelda fan who believes in the power of the TriForce above all things, your wooden triforce carving will not repel a vampire, no matter how much you believe it should. You'll just buy yourself a one way ticket to an all-night vampire buffet, where they'll laugh at you to your face while slowly draining your life-giving plasma. This is due to the vampire's origins being tied to Christian mythology... or something...
If you are not Christian, do not use a cross as a weapon. If you question your faith, it'd be best to save it as a last resort.
Better yet, just do what I do... whenever you go out, forget symbolism altogether and bring a 5|-|1t-load of guns, explosive projectiles, grenades, laser-sharpened swords, various magical weapons, and of course your own /\/\4D skillz!! Not only will this protect you from vampires, but they work on everything else, too.
Thank you, and good hunting.
P.S. - This message is not meant to encourage any sort of aggression against the vampire culture. All opinions expressed are mine alone and not necessarily the views of.. uhm... anybody else. I've met some cool (half-)vampires before.
You probably shouldn't just go around picking fights with vampires as a test of faith or anything else. Don't sue me if you do.
-Thaddeus
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Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2004 7:15 pm
Man... These were crazy days. This is back when we all made eek faces everytime the online user count exceeded 2000 at any given time. Oh yeah, we were also much better recieved back then.
PSA: On Nazis
In keeping with my commitment to public service and anti-Hitlerists, I am here today to spread the word of valuable anti-Nazi tactics, for those of you who prefer to not spill blood on your nice white bibs and underwear with hearts on them.
In a previous Public Service Announcement, we discussed Vampires, and the ways that crosses are not effective weaponry against them -- in this Public Service Announcement, I will be discussing Nazi's, and why Sardines are always effective against them.
You may, or may not be aware of this, but Nazi's are very, very concerned with their physical appearance. They go out of their way to appear strong, masculine, powerful, and do their very best to look like they don't enjoy the glories of fish. To this end, they wear big, puffy at the top pants, tight fitting shirts, and boots so shiny they make moonshiners appear dirty and grubby in comparison.
If you, or anyone you know, wishes to escape from Nazi's, there is one tactic that never fails (Which does not include the perhaps hundreds of tactics that involve you fighting back against the Nazi's with the full force of a thousand berserk Vikings, and/or your fists, or 7.22mm slugs). This miracle tactic, is called: Sardines.
Nazi's, with their fanaticism towards looking like they hate fish, will refuse to walk through giant piles of sardines, because it scuffs up their boots and makes them less shiny with boot-shine or whatever, and more shiny with fish oil, which as it largely omega-3 fatty acids and other assorted 'not-shinys', isn't really shiny. Nazi's are perhaps also offended by the smell, unlike kitty-cats, who will swarm to a location where you have dumped a pile of sardines. The presence of cute kitties may also thwart even the most determined of Nazis.
Of course, I'm sure you're saying to yourself, "But what if they're half-cute-kitty Nazi's? Then they'll LIKE the Sardines!" But this love of Sardines thwarts even cute-kitty Nazi's, as they will be forced to stop and lick them off of the ground.
What about half-cute-kitty Nazi's who are also vampires and eat secret-women? That will have to wait for another Public Service Announcement.
So, go forth with your new found anti-Nazi tactics and spread both joy and Sardines across the land. Just don't scuff up your own super-shiny boots!
And remember, only you can prevent ignorance from killing you.
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AstralSamurai Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2004 7:26 pm
(I'm much too lazy to try to remember the original bolds and italics in these things... sorry. Also, for those keeping score, Jared originally coined the "Only you can prevent ignorance from killing you" line in the Nazi PSA. It now follows all PSAs to date... I think.)
PSA: Unfinished Business
Driven by a commitment to excellence in public service (not to mention a powerful curse that forces me to do so), I'm here to deliver another PSA. Today I will be pulling down all pretense and talking about a very serious topic that effects the lives of everyone. This little story was originally submitted to my school paper, back when I was in high school. I could never figure out why it wasn't printed. Every word of it his honest, unbiased, and true!
Being the geek that I am, I frequently have trouble understanding the culture of the rest of the guys my age. For the most part, it's an uneasy peace. We don't bother them, and they don't bother us. Sometimes, though, an event will bring the conflict to bear once again. The mutual misunderstanding will burst free and unleash the seething fury that exists between different "social" groups.
There was no particular person that reached into the inky-black caverns of my very soul to stir the wrathful beast (a beast of pure anger and rage, that burns like a thousand volcanic blasts) from its slumber on this particular instance. It was more of a continual habit of the entire group.
Though I have long passed the age (not to mention class credit) minimums where you are required to do so, I still find myself spending five out of the seven possible days in a week at one of this country's fine centers of education (read: halls of anguish, mental poisoning, and torture). This choice on my part keeps me well acquainted with the concept of public restrooms, i.e. - restrooms shared by a group of people (general public, high school students, zombies, etc.) who inhabit a certain area. As most know, these places are rather famously unkempt.
Anyway... long story short, I'm heading to the last block of the school day (Stocks and Bonds, baby. Yeah!), which happens to be situated just a short distance away from the "men's restroom" of the hall. So, after dropping off my stuff (coat and backpack, respectively) I trudged into the blue-walled room and surveyed the options. Fate led me into the middle stall, where I was confronted with the most aggravating (and, as of late, almost constantly necessary) part of public, or at least school, restroom etiquette... the pre-flush.
I don't know if this is just a guy thing or what (I haven't asked any girls, it's not very gentlemanly to do so... or, something like that), but now-a-days it seems like every time I go into the bathroom at school, the last guy has foregone the arduous task of FLUSHING THE FREAKING TOILET!!!1 What is the deal with that? Is that some sort of macho/neanderthal concept? Do they think that one of their friends will walk in just as they push down the lever, and subsequently inform all of the other tribe-members of this grievous and blasphemous act, and thusly be exiled to the lonely, foreboding wastes of non-popularity? Or, perhaps it's just too hard. Levers, like most simple machines, do require a certain percentage of reasoning on order to operate them correctly.
This could be due to the American convenience/ laziness factor. Maybe it's all the automatic toilet and sink restrooms permeating the outside world that conditions their slow, easily impressionable brains to skip the crucial flushing (and now that we mention it, hand washing) step in the restroom equation.
In case you hadn't noticed, none of these are good reasons to be leaving a foul surprise for the next stall occupant! For pity's sake, show some higher reasoning and maturity, and flush the god-cursed toilet, you filthy half-men!
- - - - -
It is important to note that following the habit described in this announcement will cause your character class to drop to something below 'commoner' and really close to 'loathsome zombie'. When this happens, any licensed monster slayer is within their right to end your life in whatever way they see fit, with whatever tools are available (such as a squeegie or perhaps a wooden clothes-pin). This is a fact and is stated in the Monster Hunters United Handbook (I wrote it their myself, in the margins on page 117).
Remember -- only you can prevent ignorance from killing you.
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Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2004 7:30 pm
This is really the PSA that catapulted the MSU into the general public's eye. It drew something like 20 pages of response, and most of it wasn't even us talking to ourselves. We fielded responses to monster related questions for days. We even had a brief stint on a real website for a while because of this PSA. Man... That was a long time ago...
PSA: On Kitties
Greetings, Hi, Hello and Welcome to an informative Public Service Announcement, courtesy of me - the Astral Samurai.
Be warned, this service announcement requires some set up!
Imagine if you will, me, sitting at a computer, directing precision strikes against Monster Caves from my secret underground base. Suddenly, a message pops up with the word "Hi!!!!!! Want to chat with me?!" You can tell the writer of this message was excited, due to the rampant use of the exclamation mark. I should have suspected something foul. I should have replied with a simple, "No." With the period (Your friend at the end) clearly denoting my lack of interest. But being the nice guy I am, I say, "Alright, sure."
Over the next half hour I come to realize I'm dealing with a 14 year old girl from Maine, Lobster Capital of the World. No, Maine being the Lobster Capital has nothing to do with anything else, I just felt like plugging the fact that Lobster walk the streets like Gods in Maine. At some point, we began playing what I understand to be a popular game, it's called 'Questions'. In questions, for those of you not hip and 'down with it' enough to know, You ask a question, they answer, then they ask their own question, which cannot be the same question, and you are forced to answer.
Obviously, within the first 5 questions, the more traditional Getting to Know You questions were disposed of, things like What's Your Favorite Color? Favorite Movie? Favorite Type of Music? Favorite Food? Which caused me to reach into my Big Bag in order to come up with creative witticisms.
At some point, perhaps after my 6th can of Mountain Dew, I began to suspect that this 14 year old girl, was no 14 year old girl, and in fact, was some variety of monster. It wasn't due to any maliciousness on her part, nor inappropriate grammar, or really anything other than my knowledge that Monsters typically pretend to be 14 Year old Girls from Maine so that they can socialize on a normal level.
So, I ask the question, "Okay... If you were any kind-of mythological or supernatural creature, what kind would you be?" Safe and secure in my knowledge that NO Monster could resist the urge to let a little part of them sneak past in a hypothetical game. I expected the answer to be "A Skeleton" or "A Vampire" or in a worst case Scenario: "A Unicorn".
But rather than any of those obvious answers, the one I received was the one that was most earth-shattering. She said, "I'd be a kitty."
I was flabbergasted, boozenozzled, bitchnizzled, and frankly, just plain surprised. I was, up until this point, unaware that Kitties counted as Mythological/Supernatural creatures. Could this 14 year old Neophyte truly know something about Monsters that I did not? I logged off hastily with some clever remark about Folding My Sock Collection or something (HA! I only own three pairs of socks!). Turned off AIM, briefly noted that without my superb command abilities every last group of Monster Slayers was dead, frowned briefly, threw on my vest, and began a quest.
My first stop of course, was the local Public Library, a veritable wealth of information for those willing to wade knee deep in a sea of paper and ink. While the Librarian looked at me funny when I checked out 14 books with such clever titles as "Meow! All about kitties" and "Don't be mean to your kitty - We're your friends", I ignored her confused look and threatened to take her for a swim in concrete goulashes in the nearby Dam being built. Nothing is quite as horrifying as drowning in wet concrete – take it from somebody who knows. I then took my collection of books up into a dark, mysterious tower on Rent from Sears, and poured over the Tomes for probably a whole hour.
But no conclusions could be drawn from these books. So, dawning the vest again, I set out to ask a Wise Person. And who Wiser than a nearly dead Indian Chief stoked up on Weed? Crossing the US of A in a single day on foot was a daunting task, but I managed to complete it, and came out of it with an extra 15000 sweet sweet EXP in the bank. Despite my hatred for random, non-plot advancing monster battles, I cannot complain about the wealth of EXP one might get from a full day of battles.
In any case, when I reached the Indian Chief, I shifted my glasses awkwardly, wiped some of the blood off my suede vest in an attempt to not look as though I'd been slicing through hordes of monsters, and asked in a deeply reverent tone, "So, Old guy, tell me - Do Kitties count as Supernatural Creatures?"
The Indian Chief had the most long-winded approach to saying anything that I'd ever heard, using some metaphor about Stars falling, and Dragons chasing the Bear out of the sky and Moose tromping all, except the Otter and blah blah blah. I could not have succeeded at caring if there’d been a free buffet and back massages. Well... I take that back about the massages.
He kept talking for several hours, while I sat down and got halfway through James Clavell's Shogun -- Again. Eventually I heard the answer I'd been waiting for, "No." Although he may have been talking to the skinny tattooed guy that came in and asked if he wanted a Hamburger. Needless to say, answer in tow, I thanked Mr. Stoned Indian Chief, and crossed the US of A again to rest in my Underground Base.
So, the Public Service Announcement lies in this: Kitties are NOT Mythological or Supernatural Creatures, this has been confirmed by a number of sources, including stoned Indian Chiefs, 14 Books on Kitties, and my own observations of cats.
Kitties are not supernatural beings for a number of reasons. 1) They don't have special powers. Beyond being very cute and cuddly, and having Ghost Radar's genetically installed into their abnormally large ears, Kitties don't do things like fly, breathe flame, or destroy large stretches of prairie land in huge gouts of destructive rage. 2) Kitties have a relatively standard life span, as opposed to being nearly immortal like Dragons, being immortal like Vampires, or living for all of three seconds like those two poor saps being Beamed aboard in Star Trek: The Motion Picture. 3) A 14 year old Girl from Maine said so, and as we all know, 14 year old Girls from Maine are only right when they're discussing Lobster, rather than Mythological Creatures.
So, in keeping with my commitment to Public Service, Decency, God, the American Way, Fried Chicken, and Cheesecake, I have compiled a handy guide to dealing with Kitties.
If you buy a Kitty, please don't put it in one of those stupid boxes with holes in it. Kitties don't like being put in boxes anymore than I do, that is to say, not at all. Think outside the box while I continue to use tired, clichéd metaphors about boxes and the thinking outside there-of.
Make sure your kitty is well-fed at all times, has ample supplies of water, and a litter-box for it to both litter, and pee in. These are three of Kitties primary needs, another brilliant example of why they are not supernatural creatures.
Please - if you see a Kitty on your foot, touch it. In fact, you may feel the urge to actually full on stroke and pet the kitty. Please do not resist these urges. Kitties have the same need for companionship and love that humans and Monster Slayers do... So... You know... If you're not gonna stroke and pet a Monster Slayer, at least do it to a kitty. Remember -- Kitties are people too!
Do NOT be mean to your kitty. If you kick a cat, I swear by Odin and his smiling phallic shaped image that I will hunt you down and slay you in a most gruesome manner as an example to other Kitty-Kickers. Kitties, while not supernatural, are undeniably cute and loveable, with the exceptions of those who were kicked a lot as kittens, and as such have become anti-social and hate humans. Then again, when children are kicked a lot and become anti-social and wear a lot of black and hate the world, girls still seem to find a way to fall in love with them. So fall in love with an anti-social kitty instead, and save yourself a beating.
If you feel a need to harm a kitty, rather than protect it with body, mind and soul, please do all mankind a favor and shove your face into a bucket of Acid Lobsters (Which ARE Supernatural Creatures). If you do that every time you feel the urge to hurt a Kitty, I guarantee that very quickly, the need to hurt kitties will go away. Negative Reinforcement works almost ridiculously quick. On the downside, your face will be scarred and/or completely smooth, depending on the temperament of Acid Lobsters used.
And thus, ends my guide on Kitties. The lesson learned, is that Kitties are your friends, loyal if slightly prissy companions to your bitter death by falling into giant fan blades being used to produce oxygen on Mars, but are NOT Supernatural in any way, shape or form.
Remember -- Only you can prevent ignorance from killing yourself.
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AstralSamurai Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2004 7:40 pm
(What follows is something that holds a very special place in my heart... or something.)
PSA: Fortune Cookies
Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends. Or at least it doesn't seem to. Samurai was working the threads 'til 1 AM last night. Now that's dedication. Good thing we've given up on sleep. Anyway, on to today's topic...
I can probably count the different culinary styles of the world that I have tried on four fingers and a thumb. However, out of all those represented by my various digits, I must say that Chinese food has earned a very special place in my heart and/or diet. This is probably due to the fact that I earn my pocket money by working at a grocery store, which just happens to have a Chinese restaurant inside (which does seem rather odd, now that I think about it). So, after gorging myself on sesame chicken, fried rice, chicken lo-mein, and pepper beef, I am confronted with everybody's favorite part of the Chinese food experience... the fortune cookie.
C'mon, no... who doesn't love fortune cookies? I'm pretty sure that they're the world's only prophetic desserts... what's not to like? Well, sadly these cookies, much like the Mysterious East that they originate from, are full of deep, dark secrets (Side note, the fortune cookie actually has Japanese-American origins, or so say the folks at Ninja Burger, but I'm going to ignore that for dramatic purposes).
What's that? How could the pure and honest fortune cookie have ties with powers of darkness? It is quite simple. Through my many treks across the overworld map, I have noticed that the winds of change are always gusting over the lands. Rending the ways of old asunder to make room for the newer, shiner ways of the future. Remember the days when you couldn't walk through a town, be it one-horse, unnamed desert town or bustling market metropolis built around a ancient castle of magic, without bumping into a Mysterious Old Man who either informs you of secrets about you or your party's past, cryptically disperses prophesies on days to come, or gives you a good old-fashioned, gold-grabbing, EXP-building, weapon-finding, princess-saving side quest!?!?! Well those days are all gone now!! Why, you may ask? Because of fortune cookies!!
That's right, the fortune cookie manufacturers have been swiping the worlds robe-wearing, sage-like old men over the years so they can put them in warehouses that are loaded with the minuscule typing hardware that is necessary for writing on those ridiculously small pieces of paper!!! Can you image how much these warehouses smell like old people? Let alone the eyestrain!!
So what, right? There are other places to get access to the Lost Wisdom of the Ancients(TM). Well, hold on a minute there, stumpy. Are you thinking of crossing the Great Seas, braving the Pits of Eternal Flame, and climbing the craggy, treacherous, mist-shrouded Mountains of China (past all the abandoned children) to seek the ultimate knowing of The Secluded Wise Man on the Mountain? Yeah, well. Been there, done that. Bonsai trees left unkempt, incense holder knocked over, and the cushion that he eternally contemplates existence, the universe, and... other wise-sounding things is simply gone. Needless to say, I spent a good deal of my off days trying to get to that old coot and there wasn't so much as a note.
Why are they gone? Quite simple... In order to create fortunes that were both mysterious-sounding and accurate, the companies found that enslaving wise-men was the only option (At first, they tried to program an AI system, but it would keep printing fortunes about man's downfall to a race of machines. So, they sold the computer to pay for bounties on the poor old men).
The real kicker is that we can't do a thing about it. Government NPCs have made regulations allowing this sort of behavior. So, what's the PSA? Well, you must learn to discern true fortunes from false ones. Wise men have natural instincts that tell them when their advice is believed in and trusted. Delivering such advice is the reason they were put into the grand code of things in the first place, and is the only way that they are truly happy.
The first step in seeing through a false fortune is in knowing your enemy. Companies that didn't secure the services of sages or what have you, simply bought secondhand copies of Quotable Confucius or played through Metal Gear Solid and took notes on everything that Mei-Ling ever said, and just compiled these things into BS proverbs and pieces of advice that aren't really fortunes at all!
These other companies are in danger of destroying our wise men economy. If too many restaurants carry false-fortunes, then our wise men will begin to have their exp. taken away until they are demoted to the class of Old Commoner. Remember, if you get a false fortune, do your civic duty and force the owners of the restaurant to change their cookie brand.
Let's go through some example cookie statements, so you can see how to interpret them properly.
A very attractive lady has a message for you. This fortune is not only true it is life changing. You'll note that this obviously foretells the start of a Main Quest adventure!! Woo-hoo!!
Your path is arduous but will be amply rewarding. Difficult times mean sweet, sweet exp.!
You'll never know what you can do until you try. FALSE FORTUNE! Yeah, good quote there, pal. Somebody's seen a few too many Sunday Afternoon Family Movie Specials on ABC.
Your winsome smile will be your sure protection. This was an early fortune for me. It confirmed that my original character class was to be Rogue... ah, the memories...
We will not know the worth of water '�til the well is dry. Yeah, that's all well and good. What're you going to hand me next? The grass is always greener...? Every cloud has a silver lining? Don't whiz on the electric fence? Don't confuse tired cliches, or even good advice with a true fortune.
You will be traveling and coming into a fortune. Grab the bag of holding and cue the overworld music!!
Don't expect romantic attachments to be strictly logical or rational. True... not a fortune, but very true.
Your character can be described as natural and unrestrained. Ermm... I guess it's true. What does it mean by "natural"?
Nothing in the world is accomplished without passion. It's things like this that give rise to the "add 'in bed' to the end of the fortune"� rule. To be honest, I'm not sure how to take this one.
Anyway... do the best you can, and if you can't figure out the fortune then it's best to smash everything in the sight, just to be safe. Remember, every time you follow a cookie's advice to your ultimate destiny, an Old Man gains a level!!
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Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2004 7:44 pm
The Fortune Cookie PSA marked a "historic first" in the history of the MSU. It was a collaborative PSA.
PSA Addendum: On Fortune Cookies
While my faithful colleague is indeed correct about Fortune Cookies, he has, unfortunately, failed to capitalize on this opportunity to warn you, the oh-so soft and tender public, of the great threat to your person that may accompany the usage of Fortune Cookies.
You will not be saved this gruesome fate by getting a Fortune Cookie with a True Fortune in it. You will not be spared this fate by getting a Fortune Cookie with a Fake Fortune in it. You will not be spared this fate by not wearing pants. Without the proper knowledge to arm yourself with, you are as vulnerable as an adorable 8 year old girl wearing a daisy yellow sundress with pink daffodils on it wearing bunny ears.
This all-consuming fate (For All-consuming is an excellent word for the situation), is that of the Fortune Cookie Monster.
Many of you are likely familiar with his big brother, the very large Blue Furry Cookie Monster, who frequents Sesame Street with the intention of making children without all their teeth laugh at his complete inability to actually store crunched cookies in his puppet-like mouth. But if you're expecting the Fortune Cookie Monster to try and make you laugh by failing to eat a cookie, you my friend, are in for a rude awakening.
There may or may not be more than one of these vicious creatures. I have never encountered more than one at a time, but rumors persist of tandem Fortune Cookie attacks in China (Where Fortune Cookies are served in American Restaurants and called American Cookies). I have as yet, been unable to confirm or deny these rumors.
Fully 4 foot tall, with light tan to beige fur, big bulging eyes that seem to pulse with the red of evil and the tell-tale Sock-like jaw structure that indicates they are members of the Henson muppitus family. Fortune Cookie Monsters are easy to identify. But much less easy to deal with.
With it's big brother, all you had to do was tickle it or give it a hug to make it back off (Although I have never attempted either, I preferred waving C4 in it's face and informing it that I'd blow us all to hell if it ever ate another Death-Star shaped cookie in front of me again... That dang Deathstar. I cry every time it gets broken up).
However, the Fortune Cookie Monster seems to be half-crazed, moving with the startling speed of perhaps a runaway skateboard (Clearly in an attempt to prove to all of us that there is not a thirty year old man's hand shoved up it's rear), and not ceasing until every Fortune cookie in the immediate vicinity is devoured. Now, I'm sure you're blinking in confusion and saying, "But if it's just interested in Fortune Cookies, why would it be any threat to me?"
Your epidermis has come in contact with a Fortune Cookie, yes?
Yes, of course. Thus, you smell of Fortune Cookie. As the Fortune Cookie Monster must rely upon smell, due to it's eyes being large plastic balls, once you have touched a Fortune Cookie, the Monster draws no distinction between you and it's favorite variety of baked good, unless you are quite obviously a different baked good, like say... A Croissant.
As a side note, if you are a Croissant and actually reading this... Well, let me just put it this way... I haven't eaten in three days, and a bit of charity would be very appreciated.
Ahem. Back on task.
The Fortune Cookie Monster attacks mercilessly, gnawing on your hand, arm, and even your face in a desperate attempt to absorb what it perceives as a Fortune Cookie.
And unlike it's big brother and Dinosaurs, the Fortune Cookie monster has undergone considerable evolution and can actually swallow both cookies, and you, if you're not careful. This miracle of evolution is called an esophagus.
Now, all warnings aside, this is the part where you say, "Okay Mr. Professional Monster Slayer, you're really long winded and stuff, but can we just get to the 'How to get rid of them' part of your post now?"
As at least one of you asking this question will eventually be female, I'll go ahead and quit prolonging your suffering then.
I've discovered that flame is a marvelous deterrent to all members of the Henson muppitus family. Incendiary weapons are your friend in dealing with them. But do not accidentally hit Kermit with flame. As my best childhood friend, if you injure him I may be forced to split your skull with a miniature golf putter and/or golf ball.
Another weak spot my dissections have pointed out to me, is their rear. While these new brands of Cookie monsters seem to have grown out of the requirement for a thirty year old man's hand, the opening seems to be there. I suspect it may be some sort-of secret opening to let in alien symbiotes. However, you too can utilize this weakness, and take complete control over the Fortune Cookie monster by merely inserting your hand into the Out-Hole.
However, if you choose to not utilize either of these methods, be warned that the Fortune Cookie monster is both deadly and nigh invulnerable. You can fling it against rocks and walls and double-decker busses all you like, it's flexible body seems to be nearly impervious. Piercing weapons succeed only in making it bleed fortune cookie on you (Causing me to suspect they may indeed be some variety of Fortune Cookie Elemental/Golem). Slashing weapons can be effective, but only when they are wielded with great skill. If you are not positive you can decapitate a Fortune Cookie Monster in one blow, do not close with it!
In conclusion - The Fortune Cookie Monster adds a pinch of death to your otherwise spicy exotic Chinese food, and should be treated with extreme caution if not outright panic. Please be aware of the dangers of reckless fortune cookie usage!
Remember -- Only you can prevent ignorance from killing you.
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AstralSamurai Vice Captain
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AstralSamurai Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2004 7:49 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2004 7:52 pm
The closest the MSU officially ventures into the realm of Politics, involves known Monsters, like Nazis and Communists. This is one of the latter, and I've heard tell that this PSA is one of the most vicious ever written. I don't know how accurate that is, but...
PSA: On Communists
Greetings again, my comrades in arms against the monster menace! It is I, the Astral Samurai, here with another helpful dosage of my own special brand of Ignorance Enema -- Knowledge!
Over the past several years, there's been a word tossed around quite a bit, a dark, nebulous concept that creeps over the subconscious, and stares at the pristine glaciers of our oh-so-pure minds in much the same way a Child Rapist stares at a cute, innocent 8 year old girl in a light daisy sundress with pink daffodils who still sips milk from a sippy cup with her pinky out. My fists clench with rage merely thinking about it.
A few of you have wondered why I, an obviously skilled Monster Slayer would discuss Nazi's. The reason is simple, Nazis are monsters. Their diametrically opposed piece however -- are another, possibly more sinister monster -- The Communists.
For a little review, for those of you who don't know, Communism is a political/economic system whereby all of your stuff belongs to the government for them to divvy out, but in reality, they keep it all, and force you to work side by side with smelly mole-people and peel potatoes (And somewhere Dan Quayle groans with sudden indigestion), toiling away for a dark, undefined concept of the "Greater Good", while they install cameras in your bathrooms and sell pictures of you peeing to fetish sites on the internet.
I've heard, on occasion, some... Ahem, a**-hat (Which are the opposite of Chaps, for those of you who don't know) claim that Communism "would be a great idea - if it worked".
First, I would like to soundly refute this claim -- Communism and it's sense of equality is only a good idea if you are one of the following: 1) An Ant. 2) A Mole-Person. 3)A Cyborg/Robot subservient to Skynet and uncaring of your own individuality or 4)An a**-hat.
These vile, vile beings have attempted to thwart almost all that is good and sacred in the world. In China, they've attempted to put bans on having sex, thereby reducing the population growth. Also in China, they sometimes arrange the calendar just so Holidays will fall on a Weekend so they don't have to disrupt the Work Week. And who can forget the USSR, with their epic battles between the KGB and the CIA fought over the harsh dunes of Libya and the craggy... Crags of Afghanistan. More over, the USSR tried to cut in on our action, just like the Germans did. You saw what happened to them!
While it may appear that the Communist Nations of the World are in full retreat before the awesome volleys of firepower and sheer undiluted rage poured on them by the likes of myself and DragonMan Ren, now is the most critical time for us to keep up our ever vigilant gaze, lest some of the vile creatures sneak away undetected to reraise their evil hordes, only this time as undead -- and that won't be fun for anybody.
This is why I have initiated the Top Secret Operation Sverdlovsk Midget. While this very phrase was once used by the KGB to conceal their investigations of very small green things in a foam disk out in the middle of the frozen wastelands of Siberia, it is only fitting that Midgets from their own operation would one day come back with only the thought of sweet sweet vengeance in their inappropriately shaped heads.
You too can be apart of the Top Secret Operation Sverdlovsk Midget, it's very simple. If you know a Communist, you can either A) Trap it and later pit them against Nazis so you can bet serious gold on the fight or B) Do your patriotic duty and slay them in the most horribly ferocious manner known to you. This may include, but is not limited to -- gutting them and hanging them from rafters by their own entrails, feeding them super-powered laxatives mixed with acid so they end up removing their own vital organs through uncontrollable bowel movements, or placing proximity grenades in their toilets, so when they sit down to make regular bowel movements...
Now, I'm sure you're thinking to yourself, "This is a wonderful cause! I want to help Mr. Professional Monster Slayer Who Doesn't Seem to have a Normal Name, but how do I identify a Communist, and what if they don't want to be killed?"
Communists are easily identified by a number of qualities. You may safely assume a person to be a Communist if they have the acronym KGB stenciled onto their arm, and/or the patented sickle-hammer tattooed to their arm in bold, brave colors. Also, many Communists will hum the anthem of the USSR whenever they're distracted, so distracting them with something shiny should prove to be a reasonable way of identifying them as well.
Communists also have a very distinctive style of dress, typically a stupid looking beret with OR without a red star (Sneaky of them, yes?), a long gray-green coat, and those white and black camo pants.
Many people wearing white and black camo pants will claim it's "Urban Camo" and will validate it by saying, "But Commandos wear them! And uh... Trainees... And stuff... Don't give me that look! I'm not a blood-sucking communist robot!" DO NOT BELIEVE THEM. They are clearly a Communist, and should be dealt with in an appropriate manner.
If you, or a friend have any doubts as to whether or not a person is a Communist, there are two schools of thought, one is the "Better Safe than Sorry" method, which I follow, which means the moment I suspect somebody of being a Communist, I slice several of their limbs off, and as they twirl around like a wilting ballerina decapitate them and then pee on their corpse.
The other school of thought requires you to go and verify that they are a Communist. You can do this in one of three ways: 1) Ask them directly -- if they say no, you can safely assume they are a Communist, if they say yes, they are a Communist, and even worse for admitting that they rape puppies and think we should all read crappy pre-Cold War Russian Poetry, which is even worse when you don't read Russian. 2) Begin another Red Scare. This is simpler than it sounds. Despite the rapidly declining strength of the Communist States in the face of the US of A's massive Shadow Industrial Might, many Senators are still paranoid that they'll be called Communists by some random person and then they'll be tried and executed for treason in addition to having all their assets, like their prized tropical fish collection seized. Simply send them a letter claiming they are in fact, a Communist, and soon they'll be launching their OWN trials for Treason to try and dispose of their competition. During the mass of trials, sneak the suspected Communist in among the Senators on Trial. Nobody will be the wiser. 3) Send them to the Portuguese Inquisition. The Portuguese Inquisition, is the little brother to the much more famous Spanish Inquisition. But despite literary and historical evidence to the contrary, the Portuguese Inquisition is much, much more bloody, this is due to it's continuing existence in small, underdeveloped countries, such as Portugal and Greenland. The Portuguese Inquisition still tries and executes people for heresy, and Communism is ultimately a form heresy against mankind. So I figure, why not? Just tell them I sent you, they'll make sure the scales fall against the vicious vicious communist. Also make sure the guy wearing red is fully aware of the similarity between the word 'Commie' and 'Carnie'.
Now, for those of you more interested in taking the defense of Mankind into your own hands...
Communists are push-overs. They're like humans, only more evil. Which means they're veritable masses of vulnerable tissue waiting to be split open by blades and/or 7.22mm shells.
This of course, does not include the Communist Golems. Whereas Nazi's are predisposed towards Vampirism, Communists seem to be predisposed towards Golem-ism. Not that it's contracted virally or anything, they just sort-of... Turn into Golems.
But Golems, will have to wait for another Public Service Announcement, as they are a whole other pile of animated rocks.
We now return to you to your regularly scheduled forum browsing. Please keep this advice in mind!
And remember -- Only you can prevent ignorance from killing you.
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AstralSamurai Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2004 8:01 pm
(This PSA doesn't really represent anything other than the fact that I can speak at great length about any number of things, whether you want me to or not.
Actually I am rather proud of this one, because for all it's length I manage to stay on topic farely well.)
PSA: Foolish Regulations
Gah... I'm suck with this stupid early-morning foggy-feeling inside my brain. Blech... stupid sleep. I don't know why it's even necessary. I'm always more tired when I wake up, so what's the point? It's a foolish addiction, I tell you! Driven upon you when you are a defenseless baby and throughout your entire life it takes hold of you more and more, taking over your life until you sleep forever! I will be free of it; I'm not just another insomniac... I'm a free man!
Ahem, uhm... maybe I should talk about that one some other time.
Moving on, I would like to warn those out there that I will be loosely stating a video game console preference (or rather, a major problem with one of them) within the body of this PSA. I would appreciate it if nobody asked me why, told me how wrong I am, questioned my sexuality because of it, or any of the usual reactions such commentary frequently garners. It is for the purposes of explaining a very relevant social issue that I am showing this small piece of my own opinion. Console Wars belong in the video game thread, and in the far off corner of the playground during recess, where the teacher won't see what's going down.
What I'd like to inform people of today is one of the many regulations and restrictions that our secretive and shadowy employers impose upon us, and pretty much the entire monster slaying community. The rule in question is quite nasty because it's based on what all these people in charge seem to want; Namely, power. Not in the metaphorical, "Rule the World and gain Ultimate Power over all that lives and bend the petty creatures to serve my will" sense, but the actual "We need energy to use to power the shiny, convenient things that we rely on for our very (lazy) survival" sense of power.
Throughout the history of the world (Both the secret history, and the public history, really. Which makes it a pretty universal issue...) human beings have searched for the perfect power source of fuel their knik-knacks, whatnot, and occasionally their hoo-ha, as well. Things like good old fire, water, animals, slaves, fission, elemental crystals, petroleum, pure magic energy harnessed in a crystalline form, hamster wheels, and the essence of funk... just to name a few. Well it wasn't long before some genius came up with an idea that would bring huge amounts of energy for an insanely low cost. What could this idea be? Well I'm getting to that.
The answer is quite simple. I'll even give you a hint. They're frequently right in front of you, and they open very large doors. If you saw The Two Towers in theatres, then you'll know that I'm talking about Cave Trolls. Tha's right, cave troll power. Now I'm sure that some of you are saying, "Hey, that was a ruse! Cave trolls are never right in front of me! You're a heartless, deceitful, lying cur, who is merely a shell of a man with no purpose in life!!" Well, that's pretty harsh... (And a little close to home on some points.) However, you have been led astray. Cave trolls are all around you; being forced to use their brute strength to power various thingies and doo-dads, in exchange for some live goats and various other furry things to eat (poor goats).
Many objects that seem like they're too big, heavy, and unwieldy for usage by human beings, secretly house the cave troll mechanism somewhere within their unnecessarily bulky framework. Items including SUVs, Disneyland Rides, and Microsoft's X-Box all draw their energy from this ridiculous and unnecessary procedure. Not only are these things evil, but they are part of what must be a deeper and more involved plot.
Obviously, this is a plot to disperse a secret army of cave trolls throughout the world in order to set up a coup d'etat of sorts. My years of extracurricular time spent on dramatic ninja infiltration missions have proven that this network is wide and well connected. A coalition of big industries (motor companies, technology conglomerates, and fast food joints...) led by Walt Disney's disembodied head have been secretly manipulating the world for years.
Of course the real issue is what you can do about this plot which has already become intertwined with the fabric of our daily lives. Well, as usual it is always best to contact professional help to deal with situations such as these. Dealing with cave trolls (not to be confused with bridge trolls, the trolls with "the hair", or lawn gnomes) is incredibly risky. Here are a few examples of things to do to prevent putting yourself in immediate danger.
- For SUVs: Have your vehicle checked out by a certified mechanic and, once the inspection is complete, grill the sneaky devil about the current percentage of power that your SUV derives from cave trolls. If they say you are insane, call for the police, or simply say "none," they are probably lying in an attempt to throw you off track. Whomp them with a loaf of French bread (its hard, crust surface makes for a sturdy, lightweight, bashing weapon) and call your local Monster Slaying official for help in extracting the creatures. If the mechanic gives you a straight answer, tell him to remove them while swinging about some jumper-cables in a threatening, nunchaku-like manner to make sure he knows that you're serious. If he resists, call for ninja backup or MSU personnel...� whichever is the closest to your location.
- Disney Rides: Most all Disney propaganda is used to trap people into flocking to the troll-infested tourist traps that have sprung up around the world. We believe that the freezing process has caused Sir Disney to lose grip on his former, family friendly ways and fall into the deepest pits of b-movie, mad scientist insanity. Thankfully, we have placed cyborg spies within the Disney compound to insure the protection of innocent lives. If you see a troll while at Disney World/Land/or whatever, go the nearest Pirate-themed ride and scream for all that your lungs are worth. Your cries will most certainly rouse the planted agents from their silly scripted movements, and send them on an anti-troll rampage. If you cannot find this ride, start crying loudly until one of the creepy people in the huge cartoon costumes comes up and tells you to stop, and them proceed to kick them repeatedly. This may not actually solve anything, but it is best to try all options before risking human VS cave troll fights.
- Microsoft's X-Box: There is no known entirely safe method for combating this frightful creation. Its gargantuan plastic casing could hold armies of trolls within their black, twisted walls for all the average person knows. Flee! Flee for your lives! Disney may be the head, but Gates has his finger on the button. Think of it... a world where Microsoft holds all but a few rebel CPUs within the clutches of its operating systems! A world of software monopoly and bug-filled programs distributed to a pure-hearted and trusting public...
Oh, wait... uhm... nevermind.
Monsters are, by and large, not your friends (especially huge, captive, starved, crazed monsters...).
Remember -- Only you can prevent ignorance from killing you.
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Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2004 8:05 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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AstralSamurai Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2004 10:08 pm
PSA ON: Leveling up in a Reasonable Manner
Salutations sword-slingers,
Hello, and thank you for reading my first post, as you can plainly read, I am the Jon-OH, I am technically the third member of Monster Slayers United, but the fourth to post... because, you know… I suck… MOVEING ON!
In my somewhat extensive field experience in current occupation as a monster slayer for the Federated Shadow Government™ and also during my graduate work in warrior school whilst pursuing a degree in Monster Slaying (with an emphasis in 'undead' and a minor in Treasure/adventurer Based Economics). It has come to my attention that quite a large number of adventurers, especially young adventurers, (from here on referred to as “monster kibble”) seem to have tendency to battle anything that moves in order to obtain an experience that the warriors on the street call ‘Leveling up’.
Leveling up is naturally a desirable thing, as most of my readers know, it allows adventurers of all experience levels to learn new skills easily, become stronger, and even tougher than they were before. While there is certainly nothing wrong with these goals, one must consider the overall consequences of such a pursuit.
So frequently, especially with monster kibble, (for they are to whom I direct this message), the desire to ‘level up’ over rides any other thought, and actually seems to sometimes become more important than the mission the adventurer has elected to take on. And thus seems to require the senseless, wholesale slaughter of innocent, if perhaps oversized, creatures. (Such as rats, bunnies, insects, etc.) Friends, let me say frankly that there is never repeat, never a situation where seeking out, and destroying large numbers of small innocent creatures is okay, with few very few exceptions. Those of course being, if A) a bunch of these creatures has been possessed/enchanted by some demonic/darkly evil force. B) These small creatures are about to eat a (or several) baby (ies). C) Biblical scale throbbing Frog love grotto in your back yard, OR D) if it’s absolutely, positively, without a doubt, plot essential, which by the way, should never happen, unless you either classify yourself as Warrior type: Orkin Man, OR your evil rival is Morgonna, mistress of insects, rats, and bunnies, and throbbing frog love.
From one soldier of unclear motivation to another, please, don’t kill the small woodland creatures, or the sewer dwelling furry things, or bugs, unless one of the previous modifiers applies to you they are almost entirely harmless. And they certainly are not your enemies
As a secondary concern, the more often you level up, the more killing you’ll have to do in order to level up again, thus forming a never ending cycle of destruction of innocent creatures for purely selfish reasons. We’ve a word for that which pursues, not just accidentally causes, but PURSUES destruction of innocents for purely selfish reasons, and that word is “evil”.
ANYWAY, I realize that the reality of the situation is, that in order to gain new skills and strengths, you young-uns will have to fight something to improve your combative skills, (I did it, everybody does, it’s a very natural and necessary part of adventuring, especially early adventuring) I also realize that just simple mindless training will probably get in the way of your pursuit of revenge, justice, or finding that missing princess. Summarily I suggest the following solution. Only fight bad-guys. I realize that it seems like an overly simplified answer, however, if you fight everyone that you can define as a ‘bad-guy’ (thieves, bad warriors, henchmen, plot-advancing monster battles, etc) you probably will have enough experience to figure out that new technique on your own, and the cute furry woodland creatures WON’T have to die to satisfy your vicious desire for a few “EXP”.
Although, if you really feel as though you have to violently toss something from their mortal (or undead as the case may be) coil that probably doesn’t deserve it, then be sure to keep your rampage confined to either skater-kids or anybody who has a rebel flag bumper sticker/tee-shirt.
So, friends, in conclusion, leave the helpless little critters alone, they’ve not done anything to you. And so help me, if I see one more dead rabbit, with obvious sword wounds, I’m going to be forced to momentarily change my alignment form “Neutral Good” to “true neutral” and kill me some ignorant adventurers—you’ve been warned.
Love luck and lollies!!
*holds up two fingers * VEE!
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Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2004 10:10 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2004 10:11 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Reply
