Hmm... The Thoughts That Go Through My Head
There's alot going on in my head.So much I can barely hold it in.I wish I could just tell everyone everything that's in my head.I just can't though.It would take too long to do that.I mean my head is jam-packed with thoughts and emotions.I just wanna tell someone everything that is going on in my head.I mean no one will listen anyway to me. I can tell alittle bit.
Well I guess to start I'm afraid of things.I'm afraid that my boyfriend will leave me for someone closer to him in Virginia.I mean I'm so far away from him so I can't keep my eyes on him all the time.I'm just scared he'll leave me for a girl near him.That's one reason why I get jealous when he talks to girls near him.I get scared that he'll fall madly in love with this girl and she'll like him as well.I just don't wanna lose him.
I'm also scared that my boyfriend will fall in love with this girl that he liked before me.I'm afraid he'll leave me for her.I just don't wanna see that happen to me.I couldn't live with knowing they were together.I mean the only reason is because when I was dating my ex she had her mind set on me from the beginning.She didn't even wanna get to know me one bit.She judged me before hand.That's why I don't like her.
Being a third wheel gets me upset.I would never tell my boyfriend that at all.I mean for one I'm always a third wheel when his friends are over.I never talk to him when his friends are at his house.I get comepletely cut off when I'm talking.I just can't be a third wheel with him.I wanna come first before everything but I know I can't.
I'm afraid that when my boyfriend comes up north to see me he won't like what he sees.I mean, technically speaking, we've never actually met in real life.It would be better but we haven't.We know what each other look like but I'm afraid that he won't like me.I'm afraid that when he sees me he'll turn around and walk away from me.That makes me upset.
I'm also self-concious about my weight.I weight alot.I'm, what you would call, fat.I'm not thin or alittle fat, I'm fat.Some days I wanna just kill myself.I mean on some days I cut myself.I've cut my wrist a few times and I've also cut above my breast a few times.That's wear I've cut the most though, above my breast. It helps get rid of the pain somedays when I feel like my boyfriend would be better off without me in his life.I wanna kill myself somedays too.
I guess there's more but too much to say right now.So many emotions for one person to handle all by herself.I won't tell any of this to my boyfriend though.He'd get worried about me.I don't want him more worried than he already is.I'll talk to him Sunday when he gets back from camping with his boy scouts(how cute!).I miss him already.I love him so much.Let's just hope that I don't die before sunday.
Fallynfromgrace · Sat May 19, 2007 @ 02:32am · 0 Comments |