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Back and forth through my mind behind a cigarette...
I officially turn fifteen one month from today. Finally. God... I'm tired of everything. I just want to be 13 again. I want to be in 8th grade. When all that high school drama bullshit wasn't going on. It's not real, why does everyone pretend? It isn't and it won't ever be. The only person I cared about in the midst of all this left me for the exact same thing we were supposed to oppose, to get caught up in all of this materialistic falsehood. The one person I thought I absolutely knew everything about turned out to be the person I knew nothing of. She's not free. She's absorbed in her work, her 'status', her 'popularity'. She's everything she swore to hate with me. We were supposed to be the two, but it's much harder to lead a revolution with just one person. So I guess I'm alone with this one. No matter how many friends I have, I'm always the only one I trust. I've got so many good friends, and yet I feel like I can't talk to any of them about anything because of the previous year. Well, finally, it's all over. I can start this all over without her. She forgot about me and never tried to consolidate, or even apologize. She'll never understand what she's done to me. She's messed with my ******** mental health. I'm paranoid, I'm two-faced, I'm going insane. I'll talk to my friends and goof off, but then... I can't ever really be myself anymore. How are you supposed to feel like yourself when you don't even know yourself anymore? This isn't even about Clark anymore. Clark is history. But... Valerie? I don't want her to be my history. Nor my present or future, but there's nothing I can do to change that now, can I? She thinks she's got it grand. She thinks she's so good without me. She thinks she's a hippie, but she'll never be a hippie. How can you be a peace-loving person who is absorbed in an Algebra 2 book all of your life? She's so awesome to everyone else, but no one but me has seen her dark side. Her dark side? She's suicidal, she's controlling, she's paranoid, she's an addict to attention, marijuana, spit, and Smirnoff. I want to kill myself for getting involved with that.
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