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Today, in the guild of the Goddess, and my current GF, SamiwaVamp94, I posted a lot of things about my past, and then I realized, there really is something wrong with me. I started off complaining about all that is wrong with me....then I began to enjoy those very things that I despised within myself. Thanks to the one who often reads my journal, Ghost Lover 1, I have been writing in my real life journal more often than not, and only questions none can answer are in there. Along with some more explicit thinking as well. Back on subject, I remember telling one person of my sadism, and how much I despised it. Within that very same post, I begin to think deeper on the subject, and realize that I'm enjoying what I'm typing. I read over it again, and I feel....happy about tales of slaughter. They....make me feel.....important? I don't know the word for the feeling I get when I think back, and remember the blood on my hands, the feeling of tissues of other beings grasped in my hands, internal tissue, pounding away at my grip, just the thought of it causes a grin on my face. The realization of fear in another being, and hopelessness, just being near it, was almost a high for me. I could feel it's feeling of loss, confusion, pain, I could feel it as I'm squeezing the life out of it, and I couldn't help but smile at all the energies that it was giving off, and how quickly the energies faded. I wish to describe killing more. I wish to know, and let others know, the pleasure of the pain of others. I wish to tell tales, of my true nature.....but, I feel like, this isn't who I want to be. I close my eyes, remember that day, that I killed that creature with my bare hands, and I feel....happy.....I want to....make humans feel that same pain. I want to inflict pain, on other humans. I want to grab the still beating heart of a human, as I did to that creature so long ago. I wish to squeeze it in my hands, and stop it with pure force! I want the pleasure of causing everything pain! I WANT TO DESTROY EVERYTHING AROUND ME!

If I do....what would I have left....? Who would I talk to?.......As said by Angelous from Drakengard, "One cannot live on hatred alone." I fear that is all that is left in me, in the real world. I can only feel hatred anymore. I either feel hatred, numbness, or the pain of living that we all do......Am I normal yet?