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[sigh] these past few days have been rather hectic in my life....and I feel like it's mostly my fault....maybe that's why I told Mike to hit me today...and I thank him for it...

let's start off with the weekend....

Saturday....sucked....Carla was gone in Austin, and they had changed our plans...she had a bad day and seemed to be calling out for me...but in turn I did nothing...I'm such a fool...It's funny, because I've established this...sort of bond with her, that I can feel her emotions, and they have effect on me as well....like when she cries...I do...and when she wants to cry, or needs to I do...that night, I cried again for her, though for other reasons....

Sunday...I had been anticipating this day for a week, and thought finally it was my day to make up to Carla for being a fool on Saturday...and it turned out to be one of the happiest days of my life ^.^ Carla can bring me so much pain...suffering...misery....but undying happiness at the same time...everytime I see her my heart pounds faster, and I feel warmer inside, rather than being cold and alone like I have been for so long...and even though she may not feel the same, it's my love for her and she knows it...she brings this smile to my face when I see her, especially when she smiles back...Aside from that, it was just a happy day ^.^

Monday...yesterday...It seemed to be....let's see an "ugly" day....so much tension, and confusion....and so much pain....My whole body hurt, mainly my chest....My chest hurt from both emotional and physical pain...emotionally because of Carla (don't really want to get into details) and physically because I pulled something in football....so afterwards everywhere I went was excrutiating pain...I coughed so much, almost passed out a dozen times...but of course, like my love...i drove on...last night, is when all the "secrets" came out which created a lot of tension, but in this triangle, all three points must be on the same plane....and if we hadn't told him now...it would've been catostrophic in the future for everyone involved...

Tuesday...today...Today was alright....it seems that in the morning I tend to feel pain in my heart and chest, and then I will go "mute" for the first two periods of the day, then in 3rd I'll be cheered up by her....even just the sight of her makes my heart go a flutter... and then on I went, slightly cheered up to 4th where I can't do crap because I've wasted my body physically training over the limit...then the rest of the day was fairly eventless...

And now that leads up to now...hopefully this'll get sorted out in the best way possible (even though I'll lose in one way or another....)

All I need to say, is that I'll never stop loving her, and nothing anyone will do can stop it....though that may sound selfish, it's only the truth...I can only hope that one day....we can all be happy...

heart Jiin