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It occurred to me that I had not update my journal on the most recent changes in who I am. Well...here we are:

--Finally found a Pagan group to go to holidays with. I'm not Wiccan anymore though. I've been a Neo-Pagan based of off Hinduism and Egyptian deities for quite some time now.
--I'm still my parents' lapdog, even though I'm almost 20. Turns out 18 wasn't this magical age where everything starts going your way after all...
--I am contemplating fleeing to Russia for a year or so. Not sure when but I want to be around strangers and far away from places that hold bad memories to me. And Russians are of my bloodline so it seems natural.

--My immune system still sucks a**
--I have now learned that even if I try to take time off away from men, they will follow me like ******** dogs. The only one I don't push away is B.
--(in reference to entries 'memories' and 'time'): the January guy ended up sexually and physically abusing me. He wasn't the savior of my sanity I thought he'd be. He destroyed it instead.
--My fighting skills are now rusty at best
--I drink as much as I can afford to and have been trying to quit smoking. I always succeed to when I'm around B but as soon as I feel like I'm losing him, the cigarettes come right back out
--My little sister is still funny as hell. And she still plays the role of boyfriend/ love interest critic. haha
--I still freak the ******** out whenever people try to pick me up. Except B. B can pick me up all he wants and I just squeal. I don't like heights but I know he won't drop me.
--Still a major insomniac. Just about 20 times worse than I was before.
--I had to put my kitty down. Broke my heart to watch her die.
--I did end up buying the sexy gothic skirt referenced in the entry 'Closer' but I don't wear it in public or really at all because I don't like to attract that kind of attention. I try to blend in and dress as boringly as possible usually.
--(in reference to entry 'Wow'): Ahahaha! I shopped at Hot Topic! And I wasn't lying about not being depressed in that entry. I wasn't depressed when I wrote it, just blissfully embittered by humanity.
--(referencing 'Beltane Approaching'): I made good for a while on my promise to make a game out of human emotions. However, it didn't last into college. I decided I'm too empathetic to not feel bad when I make people care for me. Plus, now that I care for B, I am painfully aware of how it feels to have one's heartstrings tugged.
--(referencing entry '4-22-09') My friend did end up slipping away in this entry. In other news, my drink of choice is now tequila and my body temperature still makes me feel like a corpse.
--(referencing entry '4-23-09') My parents invited that same damn ex to the mountains where he tried to make moves on me the whole time. It got to the point where he tackled me, mounted me, and pinned me down. Thanks to B helping me remember some of my old Jiu-Jitsu training, I was able to throw the ******** jerk off of me before he could do anything.
--I still spoil my loved ones with gifts
--(referencing entry ''Vision) Yep, still objectified by men. No longer a virgin. And not really sure I believe in "True Love" anymore. And I'm certainly not as stuck up about morals.
--(referencing entry 'Hmmmmm') My two guy friends are long gone. One just seemed to give up on life, talks to nobody, and is moving away. The other tried to deal drugs to my little sister and tried to wake me up at a sleepover with his d**k in my face. ...Let's say that didn't go well for him and I haven't spoke to him since.
--(referencing entry 'screw it!') Thanks to B, I feel safe enough to cry around him. It kind of sucks though because now that I can cry around someone, I cry about the dumbest things.
--(referencing entry 'By the Noose') I'm not so stuck up about suicide anymore. Having been suicidal for quite some time now, I have no room to judge. I wish those I loved didn't want to die but it isn't my right to tell them not to. After all, I want to die. And if I ever lose Gamma, my little sister, or B...I may just do it. I can't imagine living without them. My world would shatter.


Well that's it for updates. I'm looped out on anxiety meds right now but I'll write an actual entry that doesn't deal so much in catching up on old stuff later...
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