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:: angsty artist ahead: take with a grain of salt :: |
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[ mood : <img src="http://www.waterbead.net/nj%20floaties/sad.gif"> contemplative ] [ music : Metroid Metal - The Ending ]
Forgive me, I know this journal has been particularly angst-ridden lately, but I need some place to vent, and this happens to be it.
I talked to Puchi about this yesterday, but I'm just not sure I'm the right person for the Mendels anymore. We keep getting all these incredible offers for guest artists,... artists who could probably just do a much better job than I could. Perhaps I just feel threatened as an artist, I know it's silly. But the truth is I just can't keep up with it all. Back when I was in the middle of school and had limited classes and homework, I could work so fast. And now I draw for work for 8-9 hours a day and then move to my new apartment for the rest of it. It's hard to find time to squeeze in a full mendel.
Not to mention the time it takes to complete a Mendel has practically skyrocketed in the past several months. A mendel illustration used to take me only 2-3 hours, on average. Now, I spend at least six hours on one alone, and it more often ends up going in the 10s and 15s of hours. It's SO MUCH HARDER to squeeze in a 13 hour illustration than it is a 2 hour one. At a standard commission rate of $10/hr, that's a $130 illustration.
Puchi's right though, there's no reason I should spend that much time on one Mendel. They were just as popular, if not more, when I only spent 3 hours on one. But that's so much harder than it sounds. It's like I've managed to set this unbelievably high standard for myself. People expect a certain degree of originality, dynamicism, quality, painting,... a standard I've set for myself, yet a really difficult standard to meet every time. And not just people in general, because quite frankly, the general Gaian populus' opinion means next to zilch for me, but people whose opinion's I respect, people who I like, that for some unexplainable reason, as long as those few people like it, I succeed. People who I need to approve of my work. I can't explain it.
Should I care? Really? I mean, I certainly feel like I should, but maybe not. Perhaps I'm an over-sensitive artist. I try not to be. I absolutely hate it when an artist gets their feathers ruffled because one RANDOM person doesn't like their artwork. Someone they don't know. Someone who's intelligence probably doesn't measure up to a fifth grader. Someone's who's opinion doesn't honestly matter when it comes to your artwork. But I don't really consider these people to be random, and their opinion means a lot.
I digress, however. But perhaps someone else could do a better job -- provide a freshness to the Mendel illustrations that I seem to be incapable of pulling off as of late. And probably do it much faster.
Maybe I need to step down as the Mendels' primary artist. I could still do guest illustrations sometimes. I can't drag the Mendels down with me. I feel so horrible if my slowness is holding its potential back. If the shop could do better with a different artist, ... I should step back.
Perhaps I'm just freaking out. Overreacting to something that I really shouldn't. I don't want to bail on the Mendels. I feel so bad for so many of the things I've done to hurt it. But the guilt and stress of continuing to hurt the shop would be more overpowering than stepping down to let someone else shine.
Maybe the Mendels just need a refreshing change, as much as I fear it. Puchi and I have run the shop for nearly a year now. I'd be so sad to see that end...
Anywhoo. I'll quit angsting about that now. Don't take this as a plea for attention or compliments. I really appreciate all the comments left in my last entry. You're all wonderful. Jaes, thanks in particular for your prolific entry. X3 I appreciate all your support. But thanks to all of you for the hugs and kind words. This entry was not made ignoring your remarks. heart
nightmare jester · Tue Dec 21, 2004 @ 06:18pm · 9 Comments |
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