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Hola everyone. . .
Well . . . I haven't written a journal entry in such a long time, but this time I think I need to.

I have had alot of stuff going on in my life lately. My Great Grandma passed away a month ago, we knew she would not last very much longer but to see her go down hill so fast scared me. I went to see her the night she died, I hardly even recognised her, she didn't have her false teeth in and it looked like her whole face had just melted. She was just lying there on the bed, struggling to breath, groaning in pain. I couldn't handle it. I was so distraught I could not even say goodbye to her when I left. And she died only about an hour after I left her. I didn't say goodbye. I spoke at her funeral, I said my goodbye then but as I said "I did not get the chance to say goodbye the last I saw you, so goodbye Great Grandma. We love you." I burst into tears. And to see my three year old cousin Joanna standing beside the coffin before the service with my uncle, asking him if she could please see Grandma, and her clinging to my dress as we both waved goodbye to the hearse driving away. I couldn't cope. I still see us waving goodbye, I still can see the look on Great Gradma's face when I left her side. I can't get those sights out of my head. I am not going to be able to cope at my birthday or christmas. I will not be able to do anything without seeing her sitting there looking on.

And to add to all of that, the next weekend I had my first babysitting job with a new family. My second cousin's wedding the next day - where my mum met her new boyfriend- and then the next day I went to a craft fair with my best friend and her family.

After all of that I now have end of year exams. Physics, English, Chemistry, Maths and Biology all in the space of less than two weeks. I am not coping with anything now. I emerse myself in household jobs just so I can try and feel normal but nothing works.

I just want to be able to talk to the one person who fully understands me and who can make me feel human again. I miss him so much. I need to talk to him. I want to feel normal again. I want to leave and never return, to travel and see, to find my place in the world, I want to find my home. A home with someone who loves me, who will make me feel as if I mean the world to them. If only for a while.

I found this poem in an email, it made me think.
Tell the one you love how you feel, do not wait for tomorrow because tomorrow might never come.

IF I KNEW

If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.

If I knew it would be the last time I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.

There will always be another day
to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance
to say our "Anything I can do?"

But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day,

That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you'll alway s hold them dear

Take time to say "I'm sorry,"
"Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.



I only hope there is a tomorrow for me to tell him again that I love him and that I miss him more than words can say.

All I can say is I hope you are alright,
I love you, I miss you.
Goodbye. -but not goodbye-

Au revoir, until I see you again.
=^-^=