well, no more missizoncania. hes right, jess knows to much not to come with us so well have to change a few things. it was a nice thought, a nice memory to look back on tho. sitting on the bus smiling and without a care past the next pop quiz. but life isnt so simple anymore. i wish it was. i know im different now, but no one els seems to notice. that may b a good thing. i still wish they did. it would b nice to have some pple care again. but they asked me what was wrong once, and i guess thats all i should expect them to do. they tried, and i wouldnt give in. i cant b mad at them for trying, but if it were my friend i would try harder. its not like i would tell them tho, so i guess it really doesnt matter. all them asking me repetively whats wrong does is make an uneeded scene. although my soul has been screaming to tell them, i cant. i wouldnt even begin to know where to begin to wonder where to begin. thats how complicated this is. i cant risk them knowing eather, it just keeps postponing what needs to b done. but ive been having doubts about what needs to b done lately. he says i shouldnt, that truely i would know whats best for us because i love him so incredably much. and i do. i love him more than that and i would go to the ends of the earth and back again if he just needed reassurance. but what if this isnt whats best for us. what if i could stand to wait somehow. he doesnt understand y i have these doubts, he always asks me y im still here if it could risk them finding me again whenever i bring it up. he says, " what if they got to u this time? what if u couldnt reach me?" hes right tho, but i want to wait. i love jessica and kassie and amber and beth. i couldnt just leave them. but i love him more. thats just the way i feel.
heart jess
Vailah · Sun Feb 27, 2005 @ 08:46am · 1 Comments |