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So lastnight, I sat up in bed thinking about everything; my past, my future, my friends, etc. & I thought about the recent me and how I've been cold to some people and said things I shouldn't have said. I'm a pretty impulsive person, if you haven't noticed. I speak before I think, and I act before I think. But, I just thought about mostly religion. I mean, I've been going up and down about it. I've gone from Christian to Wiccan, to being an Atheist, & I don't want to live my life going up and down. To be honest I don't think I deserve a second, third, or whatever number I'm on, chance from God. I let other people think for me and I became a follower. I don't want to be a follower. It's not me.
So, I went to church tonight and like, I feel like, between the songs and the preaching, I wasn't there just to be there. I feel like I was ment to be there. Everything sung, everything spoken, just went through me. Through my heart, my mind, my soul. Everything preached, perfectly described the situation I was in. It made me think a lot. & at first I was real edgy about what I was going to listen to. I just expected to go and listen to the music, and just listen to what was being said and just forget about it. But I just can't seem to not think about it. Personally, I take this night as a sign. No, I'm not speaking in tounges and being a perfect person. But after tonight, I do believe that there is a God. Now, I do still question a lot of things. But slowly I'm starting to realize why things happen. Why so and so died, why me and this person are arguing, etc. and in the end of all these things I realise, I wouldn't be where I am if these things didn't happen.
People talk, people lie, people decieve. There isn't anything I can do about it. Wether people choose to believe in God, or the Devil. Honestly, it doesn't affect me. What people believe is what people believe. I can honestly say, people's views on things don't affect me. I don't believe in peer presure, people do things on their own.
Tonight, there was a lot of things going through my mind, and there still is. & some people won't understand how I feel now, since I went from Atheist to Christan, but I feel like I am changing. Now, don't get me wrong I didn't go from Devil to Jesus freak in less than five hours, but I'm thinking now. I'm don't plan on dramatically taking 5 steps at a time. I plan to go one at a time.
In general, when I first got there and people started coming, and a couple were shocked to see me, I felt like I meant something. I realised, people do care about me and people are there for me. When I'm in church, I just get this overwhelming feeling that I never felt before and I can't even begin to describe it. No worries past my mind. Nothing bad seems to rack my mind. Everything is just....calm and soothing.
There was a reason for my actions lastnight, even though most people saw right through it. I'm trying to learn on my own. I don't want someone to have to be there every step I take. I just want to beable to live MY life and not someone elses. If I said don't try to save me, I mean it. I'm not saying it like it disgusts me or anything. I want to make it through myself. If I feel something is necessary, I'll do it. Such as going to church tonight, which I'm glad I did.
Well, I don't think this is going anywhere else, haha. But I want to thank Norman, if he ever reads this :: He was there for me when I needed a light to help me see. When I went to camp over the summer, he talked about a lot of things with me, a lot of things I don't share with other people. & he never jumped down my throat or got dissapointed in me for something I did. He just helped and talked to me. Which is what I needed. Not someone to look at me and say if I keep going at this rate I'll go to hell. That doesn't help me in any way what-so-ever. Anyway, thank you again, Norman.
Also, I want to thank Samantha. I know most people aren't in whole-sum gratitude for you exsisting, lol, but you were always there when I needed a talk. Don't get me wrong a lot of my other friends where there too. But I pretty much grew up with Sam, even when she was a cussing away middle schooler, haha. She's gone through a lot, and pulled through everything with God. And that truly has always inspired me. I really with I could be like that and can live with just having God there. ily Sammi.
Elvira____Sachiko · Mon Apr 02, 2007 @ 12:39am · 0 Comments |
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