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 Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 7:58 pm
Writing protégés of Poetess Laureate should post their work here for critique.
Most of my life is centered around writing. I take on freelance proofreading and editing work, have had some very modest success in various contests and publishing my work, and am hard at work on, you guessed it, new writing projects.
Much more importantly, my writing throughout my life has been about improvement. I've written poetry as long as I can remember, and that does not mean the things I wrote when I was very inexperienced were high quality. It does mean I've worked, worked, and worked harder until it has become at least something much better. That's really the point.
My major focus in writing and critique is on craft. While I acknowledge the importance of emotion and heart in poetry, I feel these are best expressed when the technical and stylistic details are sharply honed.
* I am also the owner of the dreaded Poetess Ego.
** The Poetess Ego is primarily persona.
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Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 9:05 am
Quote: You went from eligible to illegitimate, a child of bastardized and double-edged tongues. Lay down your sword into a corrosive lye, so that you might be clean. Albeit, dry. The original title of this poem was "You", but I'm not happy with how it is mirrored into the first line... I'll think about a different title soon. Quote: Milk in my Coffee She called me an ignorant dog, and I worried her. Beneath the crown of my skull, and beneath the curling of sheets; clenched tight in my singular sleep. She was dazzling, the epiphany of the Golden Spiral, held unwound within a box, sealed with a da Vinci kiss. Her schematics were abstract mathematics and the way she was spun through, she rivalled the Milky Way. Her skeleton was a dance, one that whirled uncontrollably, but was so systematically predictable. I saw her in the sea, housing hermits, eroding rocks, and stealing the sky with her waterspouts. She controlled my time, piece by piece she integrated herself, until I could speak of nothing less. I began to wonder how to overcome her, and slowly I built my plan's edifice. I wondered how naked she would look, what with her creamy skin; swirling on a brown velvet columbian chaise. She would be too weak to maintain her delicate poise. My eyes glittered with the thought of her murder; So I chased her, through the crowded city, to a small corner shop, where beatniks were sighing heavily, and pressed suits were ironing the headlines with their sweaty nervous palms. I ordered a casing for her delicacy: porcelain, flowering with patterns to her homage. I toyed with her, and suddenly, I was no longer an ignorant dog. I was a cat, and she was my muse. My adrenaline raged like wildfires, and nothing straight would sate me. Soon, she complained of being sick and tired, and promptly fell asleep in my coffee. She became a whorl, a milky wet whore, spinning in my cup. It tasted so good, (I only could manage a sip) and I walked away. This poem was created fro Zoh(Ostrich Sex & Tequila)'s Mangled Glory Contest. It was incredibly fun to write! Her condition was that we had to write a poem or piece of prose from these lines: Quote: Soon, she complained of being sick and tired, and promptly fell asleep in my coffee. It tasted so good, I walked away.
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Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 10:19 am
Definitely avoid echoing the title immediately. Besides, 'You' is one of those titles that crops up very frequently but only 'sounds deep' and really says nothing. That said, this puts to shame a piece I did on a similar theme once. *grin* Why not play with the words even more strongly: "bastardized child" of double-edged tongues? love the pun on lye. heart Exercise: Find two obviously titled poems in the OP/L -- that is, poems with titles that are overused or that already tell us everything about the poem. Provide links, not poems, to save space. Re-title them (privately, here) to be more interesting and attention-grabbing.Suggested Format *link* Title: *fill in title here* New Title: *fill in your re-title idea here*
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Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 10:34 am
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Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 10:39 am
Much more interesting title. biggrin Quote: She called me an ignorant dog, and I worried her. Awesome word-play. Quote: Beneath the crown of my skull, and beneath the curling of sheets; clenched tight in my singular sleep. Why do we need "singular"? Quote: She was dazzling, the epiphany of the Golden Spiral, held unwound within a box, What is this trying to say? Quote: sealed with a da Vinci kiss. Heh heh. Lovely. Quote: Her schematics were abstract mathematics Awesome sound-play. Quote: and the way she was spun through, she rivalled the Milky Way. Her skeleton was a dance, one that whirled uncontrollably, Why skeleton? That suggests 'incomplete' or 'unfulfilled' or something creepy depending on context. Here the context is... just... body? So why skeleton and not some other word? 'whirl' already contains the connotation of out-of-control, so do we need uncontrollably? Quote: but was so systematically predictable. Predictable is contained within systemic; why do we need both? Quote: I saw her in the sea, housing hermits, eroding rocks, and stealing the sky with her waterspouts. The itsy-bitsy spider... Quote: She controlled my time, piece by piece she integrated herself, Love the enjambment play, BUT: what does it bring relevant to this piece? We don't seem to have much of a setup of time imagery or time as one of its themes. Quote: until I could speak of nothing less. I began to wonder how to overcome her, and slowly I built my plan's edifice. I wondered how naked she would look, what with her creamy skin; swirling on a brown velvet columbian chaise. Why is Columbian not capitalized? 'how naked she would look' is trying to make itself into 'how she would look naked' and this is a natural reading as well as relevant to the piece -- without much added by the word-order change. Quote: She would be too weak to maintain her delicate poise. Weak things are delicate? Who knew! (Redundant) wink Quote: My eyes glittered with the thought of her murder; Why 'the thought of'? "My eyes glittered with her murder" is stronger and less melodramatic, oddly. Quote: So I chased her, through the crowded city, to a small corner shop, where beatniks were sighing heavily, and pressed suits were ironing the headlines with their sweaty nervous palms. You're getting too in love with your own word-play by now. Which is an issue I have myself at times. were...were... be careful of lines beginning with the same word next to each other. Quote: I ordered a casing for her delicacy: This is actually what prompted the 'too in love with your word-play' comment; the earlier was borderline and this pushes us across the line. Quote: porcelain, flowering with patterns to her homage. I toyed with her, and suddenly, I was no longer an ignorant dog. I was a cat, and she was my muse. Heh heh. More amused-with-yourself wordplay, but it works here. Muse-Mouse. Heh heh. Quote: My adrenaline raged like wildfires, and nothing straight would sate me. VERY common image/line/idea. Wildfires are difficult to sate/end/put out? Who knew! (redundant, self-evident) biggrin Quote: Soon, she complained of being sick and tired, and promptly fell asleep in my coffee. She became a whorl, a milky wet whore, spinning in my cup. It tasted so good, (I only could manage a sip) and I walked away. I'm not sure the most effective way to work in the prompt idea was to toss it in at the end. I mean sure, you've got a developed poem, but then we're hit with ... pretty much the prompt exactly. Overall: This is close to tl;dr but only because of aesthetics. Find some stanza breaks. biggrin Exercise: Write a few lines -- prose or poetry is irrelevant for now, but probably poetry -- without using any modifiers. Nouns, verbs, subjects/objects.
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Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 10:40 am
Love the "Snow Coffin" title. Why "Rusted"? That one wasn't as readily apparent/appropriate to me. I am interested now! biggrin Edit: And just to tease about the titling issue, we even currently have a "You" poem in the OP/L! Yeah I'm gonna go with Cliche Title. biggrin
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Posted: Sun Jun 17, 2007 1:48 pm
Quote: Beneath the crown of my skull, and beneath the curling of sheets; clenched tight in my singular sleep. Why do we need "singular"? It's supposed to allude to the fact that this entire time, the speaker is alone.Quote: She was dazzling, the epiphany of the Golden Spiral, held unwound within a box, What is this trying to say? The Golden Spiral is a mathematical term, which is this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golden_spiral
One of the most common examples of the golden spiral is used with da Vinci's :
Quote: sealed with a da Vinci kiss. Heh heh. Lovely. Quote: Her schematics were abstract mathematics Awesome sound-play. Quote: and the way she was spun through, she rivalled the Milky Way. Her skeleton was a dance, one that whirled uncontrollably, Why skeleton? That suggests 'incomplete' or 'unfulfilled' or something creepy depending on context. Here the context is... just... body? So why skeleton and not some other word? 'whirl' already contains the connotation of out-of-control, so do we need uncontrollably? Good point. Quote: but was so systematically predictable. Predictable is contained within systemic; why do we need both? Never thought of that. Quote: I saw her in the sea, housing hermits, eroding rocks, and stealing the sky with her waterspouts. The itsy-bitsy spider... When I refer to waterspouts here, I'm taking about tornadoes in the sea. whee Swirling sea storms! biggrin Quote: She controlled my time, piece by piece she integrated herself, Love the enjambment play, BUT: what does it bring relevant to this piece? We don't seem to have much of a setup of time imagery or time as one of its themes. It's showing you how many different places The Golden Spiral can show up in everyday life. In this instance, a watch mainspring. Quote: until I could speak of nothing less. I began to wonder how to overcome her, and slowly I built my plan's edifice. I wondered how naked she would look, what with her creamy skin; swirling on a brown velvet columbian chaise. Why is Columbian not capitalized? 'how naked she would look' is trying to make itself into 'how she would look naked' and this is a natural reading as well as relevant to the piece -- without much added by the word-order change. Hmmm. I didn't see any reason to capitalize it. Thanks for pointing out the naked bits. whee Quote: She would be too weak to maintain her delicate poise. Weak things are delicate? Who knew! (Redundant) wink Quote: My eyes glittered with the thought of her murder; Why 'the thought of'? "My eyes glittered with her murder" is stronger and less melodramatic, oddly. surprised Thanks!Quote: So I chased her, through the crowded city, to a small corner shop, where beatniks were sighing heavily, and pressed suits were ironing the headlines with their sweaty nervous palms. You're getting too in love with your own word-play by now. Which is an issue I have myself at times. were...were... be careful of lines beginning with the same word next to each other. Okay. sad Quote: I ordered a casing for her delicacy: This is actually what prompted the 'too in love with your word-play' comment; the earlier was borderline and this pushes us across the line. Perhaps. I should think of an easier way to say this.Quote: porcelain, flowering with patterns to her homage. I toyed with her, and suddenly, I was no longer an ignorant dog. I was a cat, and she was my muse. Heh heh. More amused-with-yourself wordplay, but it works here. Muse-Mouse. Heh heh. Haha! Yeah. It amused me.Quote: My adrenaline raged like wildfires, and nothing straight would sate me. VERY common image/line/idea. Wildfires are difficult to sate/end/put out? Who knew! (redundant, self-evident) biggrin Straight, meaning not a spiral. I had to have my spirals!!! mad xp Quote: Soon, she complained of being sick and tired, and promptly fell asleep in my coffee. She became a whorl, a milky wet whore, spinning in my cup. It tasted so good, (I only could manage a sip) and I walked away. I'm not sure the most effective way to work in the prompt idea was to toss it in at the end. I mean sure, you've got a developed poem, but then we're hit with ... pretty much the prompt exactly. When I read the prompt, it seemed like such a final thing to say, that I automatically gave the role as clincher. Overall: This is close to tl;dr but only because of aesthetics. Find some stanza breaks. biggrin Exercise: Write a few lines -- prose or poetry is irrelevant for now, but probably poetry -- without using any modifiers. Nouns, verbs, subjects/objects.
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Posted: Tue Jun 19, 2007 4:07 pm
the sun is a penny in a pocket
making music in a coppertone
sweatdrop
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Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 11:56 am
Aehlae the sun is a penny in a pocket making music in a coppertone sweatdrop Oh man. I love that. heart
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Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2007 9:17 am
whee
I have another I'd like for you to look at. I have been unsuccessful with getting much crit on it. sad There's a lot that can be slimmed and finetuned, I'm sure.
Peaches
I fell -- an undefined method
of rewinding unraveled reels
of memories spliced with a sex life
that wasn't mine.
Vaguely, the frames fell
in shards like the crystal plumage of your hair
spilling across a temple's
steepled cheekbones -- pigeons.
Pillowing lips rivalling any
prayer knee rest
and sweetholywater bowls for eyes,
filled up and whole or perhaps --
Your eyes were the finest
robin's egg blue, clouded slightly
as if wrapped delicately within
the thinnest gossamer paper .
No matter, your farmer's hands
were a Georgian peach
with a simple cupped palm.
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Posted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 4:53 am
Hello! I guess it would be my first time posting in the thread. Sorry I haven't posted much lately but, I've been busy. I'll post more after this week.
WIP:
The circles under my eyes grow deep
As I sit in the moonlight and weep
Do you guys think it sounds like forced ryme? I don't because I was thinking about the first line and the second line just came to me...
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Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2007 11:09 am
summer spells lethargic and i've never eaten so many cheerios without sugar
pass vicodin between peace signs and
trade claspless hair ties because
summer has to be rainbow.
shake the hair down and
color it blue to
blend into sky tops and
cruise alki without tickets and
may be see how summer selves
don't melt
like black.
cities and stars were made for each other
just like best friends and go getters.
you know when summer has found her rainbow:
no city lights love you and
all of them are stars.
don't self medicate.
I Tried
Consonants:
count the vowels
(onetwothree) and
include n since it's
flat and doesn't bite
(like vowels).
Funny how the con-so-nants are
the sharp ones while
vowELS sound funny
(like hitting sharps instead of flats).
See, consonants-
they click
(phonetically speaking).
I'm talking music. It's
always more fun to reach up and
be sharp instead of down and
flat.
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