i've just been feeling so lonely recently.
i don't feel like i fit in or belong anywhere.
It feels as though all but two or so of my friends have deserted me, and although i honestly can't blame them, i need them more than ever now.
i am beyond depressed about "college" next semester. At this very moment, i don't even know if i am going to graduate. i come home to an empty house, every day, depressed, lonely, and empty. i don't want to reach out to those that have left me behind, for i am not only too embarrased, but hurt too much to do so.
i am pathetic.
Half of the time, i don't even know myself anymore.
i say and think and do things that shock and disgust myself. i find myself thinking, "Why on earth did i just do that?!" more than i think of self-loathing prophecies, which is a lot.
i just feel abandoned.
i don't feel wronged, i just feel empty.
And i am scared.
i need a familliar hand that has left me to reach back out and help me though this.
i need an answer.
i wish that i was capable of doing something that would make me proud of myself, however i know this is utterly impossible to even hope for.
Most of all, i want to celebrate what should be celebrated with those that i should be celebrating with, however i feel that not only am i not worth celebrating, but even if i wanted to celebrate another, they are not there anymore to value my celebrating their accomplishments.
i feel lost.
i know this is a typical teenage stage to go through, however this is much too late in the game for me to just be expirencing these emotions sinking in. Even though it has been almost 6 months since these tulmolturous thoughts have been encurring, these ideas should have begun years ago if there were ever going to rise at all.
i feel like a worthless, ugly, pathetic freak.
And although i have been trying to change my faults, i find myself even incapable of changing what i know needs to be changed.
There are so many things i need to change and grow out of, however death will become me before i am capable of any change or growth.
...i just want to clear my mind...
*
i don't feel like i fit in or belong anywhere.
It feels as though all but two or so of my friends have deserted me, and although i honestly can't blame them, i need them more than ever now.
i am beyond depressed about "college" next semester. At this very moment, i don't even know if i am going to graduate. i come home to an empty house, every day, depressed, lonely, and empty. i don't want to reach out to those that have left me behind, for i am not only too embarrased, but hurt too much to do so.
i am pathetic.
Half of the time, i don't even know myself anymore.
i say and think and do things that shock and disgust myself. i find myself thinking, "Why on earth did i just do that?!" more than i think of self-loathing prophecies, which is a lot.
i just feel abandoned.
i don't feel wronged, i just feel empty.
And i am scared.
i need a familliar hand that has left me to reach back out and help me though this.
i need an answer.
i wish that i was capable of doing something that would make me proud of myself, however i know this is utterly impossible to even hope for.
Most of all, i want to celebrate what should be celebrated with those that i should be celebrating with, however i feel that not only am i not worth celebrating, but even if i wanted to celebrate another, they are not there anymore to value my celebrating their accomplishments.
i feel lost.
i know this is a typical teenage stage to go through, however this is much too late in the game for me to just be expirencing these emotions sinking in. Even though it has been almost 6 months since these tulmolturous thoughts have been encurring, these ideas should have begun years ago if there were ever going to rise at all.
i feel like a worthless, ugly, pathetic freak.
And although i have been trying to change my faults, i find myself even incapable of changing what i know needs to be changed.
There are so many things i need to change and grow out of, however death will become me before i am capable of any change or growth.
...i just want to clear my mind...
*
